Turning a Fight Into a Connection

Andy couldn’t believe he and his partner Ellie were still fighting two days after a minor misunderstanding. He thought Ellie was going out, and so he made other plans, while Ellie thought they were spending the evening together. Before he even knew what happened, he found himself yelling and frustrated. Ellie was shutting down and pushing him away, which only made Andy more frustrated. For the past few days, they both had their walls up, and neither knew how things got so bad so quickly.

Sound familiar? It is normal for couples to argue. And it’s not necessarily arguing or disagreeing that causes relationships to end. However, what does determine whether relationships end is a couple’s ability, or lack thereof, to repair the conflict in the moment.

Repair attempts are statements or behaviors that soften tension, de-escalate conflict, or help two people feel connected again emotionally. Repair attempts make a couple feel better and help the other feel understood rather than defensive.

When in the heat of an argument, if you and your partner can drop the gun and instead connect through a soft statement or nonverbal gesture, the escalation of the conflict almost immediately evaporates.

Why Repair Attempts Work

In a widely recognized longitudinal study, the Gottman Institute observed 130 newlywed couples in their “Love Lab” and followed them for six years. Gottman found that marital happiness and stability were predicted not by couples fighting less, but by their making regular and effective repair attempts, even during intense arguments. Couples who went on to divorce tended to either not implement repair attempts, or their partners didn’t accept these attempts as sincere.

That little pause of seeing your partner and their experience helps them to still feel connected and loved by you, and this takes them off the defensive. Repair attempts show your partner that you are more interested in them being OK and your partnership being OK than you being right or you “winning” the argument. As soon as you soften, your partner will likely be more vulnerable and less defensive because they feel seen and understood by you.

There will probably still be things to work out, but without stress hormones raging, you will both be better able to listen, understand, explain your point of view, and find common ground.

The best news about a repair tactic is that all you have to do is say something small, a micro-repair, to take you and your partner away from the cliff.

How to Effectively Use a Repair Attempt

1. Build self-awareness for when conflict is starting to spiral. Notice the cues and signals that things are escalating.
2. Instead of continuing to escalate, offer a repair attempt (see examples below).
3. Don’t overthink the repair attempt; generally, trying to say something softer, however it comes out, is enough to shift the tension.
4. If your partner offers a repair attempt, accept it as real and respond in kind.

Next time you feel the tension between you and your partner escalating, try one of these repair attempts:

Examples of Verbal Repair Attempts:

• “I didn’t say that in the way I meant to, let me try that again.”
• “I am realizing I am really heated. Let me take a break for a second, and I will come back.”
• “Wait, let me slow down a bit. I am going too fast.”
• “I get what you are saying.”
• “I can see I am hurting you; I am sorry.”
• “I am upset, but I do care about you and want you to be happy too.”
• “OK, I see what you are saying.”
• “We are getting really upset; let’s pause for a minute.”
• “I am not hearing you; let me slow down and listen.”
• “I do see what you are saying.”
• “That was unfair, let me start again.”
• “I am sorry.”

Examples of Nonverbal Repair Attempts:

• A touch of your partner’s hand
• Offering a hug
• A softer tone
• Suggesting a walk while you talk
• Nodding and giving good eye contact
• Showing nonverbally that you are empathic to your partner through your facial expression