4 Tools for Managing Toxic Relationships Over the Holidays

Although culturally we are conditioned to believe we should be full of joy and peace throughout the holiday season, for many the holidays bring on a sense of sadness, frustration, and even hopelessness. This can be the result of the feeling that the people we are close to aren’t treating us the way we deserve or need to be treated. Participating in annual holiday events and recognizing the passage of yet another year cause people to take stock not necessarily of what is good, but of what and who is bothersome in their lives. It can be tempting to use annual holiday events, family gatherings, work parties, vacation time with your partner, to torture yourself with what is wrong or even toxic about your relationship(s).

Here are four tools for managing unsatisfying relationships over the holidays without making things worse than perhaps they already are.

1. Remember this too will pass: It’s easy to build up the holidays as a bad thing. You start to think of who you don’t want to deal with or all that “forced together time” and you become overwhelmed, maybe even panicked. Remember, although the holidays often mean we are around certain others more frequently, it’s usually only for a week or so and then you will return to your regular life. You may, at that time, need to make some changes so you don’t feel the way you do now next year, but it’s hard to do all that work in a week’s time. When spending increased time with your family or your partner and recognizing that a relationship is toxic or harmful or simply unfulfilling to you, comfort yourself that it will not always be the way it is in this very moment. Life is change, everything is temporary—“this too shall pass.” When it feels awful remind yourself that you can change your unhealthy relationship dynamics through communicating, boundary development or even leaving a relationship altogether if necessary. But for now, take the holiday time to relax and find peace wherever you can--even if it is not in your close relationships.

2. Not a time for confrontation: As the end of the year approaches you may find yourself mentally replaying past upsets with someone you are close to. After a while you may convince yourself that now is the time for a reckoning. Stop and reconsider this idea. Confronting family and/or close others over the holiday can sometimes make a bad situation worse. You very well may need to let the person in your life know how you feel and what you need but now is not the time. Everyone’s tension is higher around the holidays and your problem other may be too overwhelmed and disappointed that the “festive” time has turned dark to be able to respond to you appropriately. Emotionally exploding at your close other(s) over the holidays won’t actually get your out of the negative relationship dynamic in the long term but will serve as a self defeating release valve in the short term.

3. Surviving the holidays is not enough: Catch yourself if you tell yourself that you just need to accept the suffering, hold it in and somehow “survive” the holidays. The grit your teeth and bare it approach could cause you to emotionally explode in a way that you later regret. It’s okay to tell people that you are struggling with something or not feeling as festive and jovial as you wish. Also consider finding meaning in other aspects of the holidays separate from your relationship(s). Spend time in nature, meditate, or if you are religious go to church. Consider volunteering your time or giving back in a way that may give you the fuel of positive accomplishment to power through the holidays. Doing something for others and connecting with a higher meaning will help you stay grateful for what you have in the present as opposed to being stuck in your mind replaying your upset.

4. Turn self-torture into self-reflection: You’re beating yourself up with all that is wrong with this relationship and what to do or asking where you went wrong. Start reflecting on what you want to improve next year. Search your core self for what is ultimately going to be fulfilling in your relationship(s) and what your role may be in perpetuating negative dynamics. Look at the holidays and end of the year not as a time to torture yourself with what is wrong in your life or as an opportunity to parade your regrets, but as a time to take stock of what you want and the kind of person you want to be going forward into 2019. Whatever the relationship dynamics are that are plaguing you, consider how you can start altering not the other but yourself to have a more peaceful emotional and social life.

In my book, Toxic Love: 5 Steps, I offer specific strategies for breaking the pattern and moving on to more trusting, mutually rewarding relationships.