Feeling Badly About Yourself Again?

It can happen to anyone. They feel pretty good because they are not really aware of how they feel. Their attention is focused on work or some interesting diversion or conversation. Then comes a pause in the activity and with that pause feelings of inadequacy sweep in and take control.

In your world, does it seem that too often you find yourself slipping into feeling badly about yourself? Perhaps you start the day fairly sunny or even content, only to crumble when confronted with the slightest criticism. Or maybe you walk around your city, go to work, interact with people, all the while appearing fine on the outside, but on the inside feeling a heavy sense of worthlessness.

It is surprising how often people who carry this heavy load report that it makes them feel invisible. This is because feelings of worthlessness can cause a person to begin to believe that they are utterly inconsequential. Feeling that way can make anyone’s self-concept shrink to something approaching nothingness. Of course, in reality you only seem invisible to yourself.

When you think you are not good enough, you don’t see yourself as belonging to the larger whole. You feel different, like an outsider. Deep down you believe that if others really knew you, they would turn away and you would be cast out.

So you may work to avoid anything that you imagine will trigger these painful feelings. Yet, at the same time, you recognize that every time you think you are safe the feelings come again. In the worst case, a person may find themselves trapped in a insular world of miserable feelings.

Every now and again you may get a glimmer of hope or force yourself to come out of this funk, but at the first sign of setback you give up. You return to the shell of presenting yourself to the world as being just fine, but in actuality feeling far from fine.

No matter how long this has been going on in your life you can take control. You are not insignificant. You matter. Call yourself to action. You can pull up and away from the low self esteem downward spiral. As I describe in Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps, improvement is within reach if you are willing to try, and to continue to try, even when you want to give up.

Declare, first to yourself, that you are committed to working on you. Then take this work public. Show others through your actions and speech that you have marshaled the self-confidence to fully engage life.

Say Out Loud: “I will see myself.” Experience who you are and what you feel by starting each day with 10 minutes of quiet breathing and reflection. When you become aware that you are slipping into negative thought spirals, gently refocus your attention on your breathing and the sensation of your chest rising and falling.

Say Out Loud: “I am a part of the whole.” You are not so different. I know you feel different but to a degree being different is a part of the human experience. Therefore, the experience of feeling different doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Everyone experiences it, maybe some deny it or push it away (with drugs, alcohol, technology, constant activity) but being different is part of what we all experience. In this way, you are just like everyone else.

Say Out Loud: “I will allow new energy in.” You will remain trapped in the spiral of self-doubt until you allow new energy in. Show up, talk, interact, make yourself visible to others. Initiate new work projects, actively take on your interests, suggest social outings. Over and over, jar yourself back to the present. Remind yourself the current moment is what matters most of all.

Say Out Loud: “If at first I don’t succeed, I will try, try, try again.” There will be setbacks. Feeling better is not a light switch. But each day, no matter what happened the day before, try again by saying these things out loud. And if you do that and act on these words, even if only a little at first, improvement will come.

Jill Weber, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C. and the author of Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps: How to Feel "Good Enough" and Breaking Up and Divorce 5 Steps: How to Heal and be Comfortable Alone. For more, follow her on Twitter @DrJillWeber and on Facebook, or check out drjillweber.com.