Attention Ambitious Young Women

I’m going to be writing for the next few weeks about how to build a successful personal life at the same time that you’re building a career, and why you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, in your twenties.

When I set out to do research on 20-something women and how they’re navigating the sexual freedom of their twenties, I didn’t expect that I’d spend so much time talking about career and relationship development. I thought this was going to be a book about women’s sex lives. But it turned out that for all the public and media fascination about young women’s sex lives, young women were actually much more interested in talking with me about their struggles to have what Freud defined as the two key aspects of life—love and work —in their twenties. Not that we didn’t talk about sex, we did, but it wasn’t the only thing!

In the course of my research, I spoke with Katie, a 25-year-old very accomplished graduate student in the sciences. When it came to career, Katie was the picture of success —prestigious fellowships, competitive graduate program, great mentors, publication in the best journals. But when it came to her personal life, Katie confided that she worried her single-minded pursuit of a graduate degree might limit her ability to meet a man with whom she could build a life. This realization—that she might want to prioritize a relationship over a career—felt shocking to Katie, and she did not admit to it easily. She felt deeply ashamed by such thoughts, worried that they signaled weakness and dependence, qualities she did not admire. To put such a high premium on relationships was frightening to Katie. She worried that it meant she wasn't liberated and was still defined by traditional expectations of women.

Katie is not alone. Too many of the young women I spoke with in the course of researching my book, and in my psychotherapy practice, feel guilty about prioritizing a relationship—particularly with a man. They wonder, why should a young and ambitious woman in the 21st century care so much about relationships? To do so feels like a betrayal of themselves, of their education, and of their achievements. I argue that young women should care about relationships because the most important career choice a young woman will make is whom she will marry – this according to Sheryl Sandberg and many other women at the height of their professions.

Why is this the case? Because a partner who does two things:

1. Supports your career development and doesn’t feel threatened by it, and

2. Shares half of the work of taking care of the house, family, and children

Makes it possible for a woman to have a successful career without giving up on having a rich and successful personal and family life. Before having a family yourself, this may not feel quite so crucial, but believe me —it is!

But what kind of training do young women get in how to build a professional life and a relationship at the same time?

• Advice to focus on your careers now, that relationships will detract from career success

• Advice that your 20s are the time to play the field, you don’t need to find a partner now

• At the same time, you’d best be married by the time you’re 30 or the pool of eligible men and women will have dried up

So how are you likely to feel in the face of this conflicting advice?

• Ashamed of wanting a relationship

• Confused about what to want

In fact, many of the women I spoke with in their twenties in the course of researching my book actually concluded— and this was not a conclusion they were happy about—that they wouldn’t be able to have both a successful career and a relationship

I’m aware that not all of you may want to get married. But most of you will marry - either a man or a woman. And whom you marry will have enormous consequences for your career.

The way that you handle your desires —for a successful career, for a relationship —will make a big difference in how you go about choosing your future partner.

If you're reading this blog post, chances are you're clear about your desire for a successful career. But my research has shown me that most of us have mixed feelings about even the things we want most clearly.

So what should you do about all of this if you do in fact want to build a relationship that will support your professional development? Or if you’re not sure if you should be wanting a relationships in your 20s?

Stay tuned next week and I’ll post the three things you need to do to navigate your multiple desires and get more of what you want.

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