20 Minutes to Greater Social Connection

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“I’m so busy, I barely have time to breathe!”

“Yes, let’s have lunch! Let me check my calendar. Hmmm....maybe in a month?”

“It would be great to see my friends, but they just never seem to have the time.”

We’ve all been there: work and family obligations pile up while we try to squeeze in time for exercise, “self-care,” and housework. Suddenly, the calendar is full and we feel overwhelmed. It’s no wonder that casual socializing feels like a luxury that can easily be put off until later. However, by doing this, we are depriving ourselves of a key ingredient of happiness and health—moments of social connection.

In our new book, Our New Social Life: Science-Backed Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection, we examine some of the common barriers that keep people from connecting in the ways they’d like. And belief that “I’m too busy” is certainly one of these barriers.

Studies show that, as a population, we have more free time than we have in decades. That’s right! Careful time diary studies, where participants keep an account of exactly how they spend their time, reveal that over a given day, the total amount of free time is greater than in previous decades.

Why do we feel so busy? Part of the problem is that this free time exists in small, fragmented sprinkles rather than in large chunks. Researchers call this free time “time confetti”—for instance, 20 minutes here and there, rather than a full afternoon or weekend. And this time confetti is very easy to squander; we seldom plan for it and we don’t recognize its value.

So, if you’re a little lonely or disconnected but also feel too busy to invest in relationships, here are some ideas for how to use your little sprinkles of time a bit more intentionally.

• Consider a brief phone call. Many of us are averse to phone calls. However, one 2021 study revealed that when participants received brief phone calls a few times a week, their levels of depression, loneliness, and anxiety were reduced compared with people who didn’t receive such calls. And the calls don’t need to be long! Consider this idea for an eight-minute phone call.
• Dash off a message of gratitude. It takes very little time to tell someone why you appreciate them. Expressing gratitude brings people together, even if it’s in the form of an email or text message. And research shows that doing this is far less awkward than people expect. Think of someone you value, and tell them so!
• Seize natural social opportunities. Think about all the people you see in your daily life: in line at the store, walking their dogs in the neighborhood, or waiting to pick up their kids at school. Talking to them, even about seemingly trivial topics, can give a real boost to your mood. And most people are more open to conversation than we expect.
• Listen. As you have brief conversations throughout the day, try your best to be present and give the gift of your full attention. With your technology out of sight, ask open-ended questions. Offer positive nonverbals like nodding and smiling. In the small amount of time that you have, you can build a deeper relationship—and make someone else feel great!
• Do a loving-kindness meditation. Did you know that you can feel connected even when you’re alone? One way to foster this feeling is through loving-kindness meditation, or metta, in which you envision various people in your life and send them authentic wishes of warmth and wellness. Countless examples exist; here is one 20-minute version you can start with.

While there’s certainly value in a long, drawn-out dinner or a weekend away with friends, we can’t always make that happen. But that doesn’t mean socializing needs to be put on hold indefinitely. According to psychologist Robert Waldinger, busy people “tend to think that in some unspecified future, we’ll have a ‘time surplus,’ where we’ll be able to connect with old friends.” But we know that doesn’t always happen. Instead, consider using those small sprinkles of time to your advantage, to better foster social connection.