The Silent Toll: A Peaceful Relationship Isn’t Always Ideal

Many of us crave deep connection and intimacy with our partner. That’s not surprising since loving relationships don’t just feel good—they are good for us. When things are going well, we reap many protective psychological and physical benefits.

However, when we are in a relationship that doesn’t provide support—or when we lack a partner, especially as we age—research suggests it can wreak havoc on our health. The kicker is that even relationships that aren’t necessarily seen as “bad” may have negative effects.

A recent study published in the Journal of Sichuan University explored the link between the quality of a marital or partner relationship and the rate at which multiple chronic conditions accumulate in middle-aged and older adults. The researchers analyzed data from the English Longitudinal Study of Aging (ELSA), a representative cohort of people aged 50 and older living in England. A total of 7,943 participants were included in the analysis.

Participants were asked if they had a spouse or partner. If they answered yes, they proceeded to a series of questions measuring the level of support and strain in their relationship. Questions measuring support included “How much does your spouse/partner really understand the way you feel about things?” and “How much can you rely on your spouse/partner if you have a serious problem?” To measure strain, participants were asked, “How much does your spouse/partner criticize you?” and “How much do they get on your nerves?”

They rated their answers on a 1-to-4 scale with 1 meaning “a lot” and 4 “not at all.” Relationships were first classified as high or low in support and high or low in strain. They were then categorized into four types: “supportive (high support, low strain), ambivalent (high support, high strain), indifferent (low support, low strain), and aversive (low support, high strain).

The researchers measured how quickly participants accumulated chronic conditions over time by using data collected across multiple waves of the study. Participants were also asked if they had been diagnosed by a doctor with a chronic disease or an emotional or mental disorder. Those who answered yes were excluded from the study to avoid confounding the baseline outcome.

Compared with those in supportive relationships, all other relationship types—as well as having no partner—were associated with faster rates of accumulating chronic conditions over time.

In fact, those without a partner showed the fastest accumulation rate, followed by those in indifferent and aversive relationships. Those in ambivalent relationships showed a weaker connection.

Gender and age differences played a role. Overall, women appeared to be more sensitive to the effects of support and strain in a relationship. Additionally, chronic disease accumulation was quicker in the elderly compared to younger participants.

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The findings suggest that a lack of active support can have important implications for health—even in relationships that don’t necessarily appear stressful. It’s not simply the obviously unhealthy relationships characterized by considerable strain or conflict that matter.

In fact, relationships that outwardly appear calm but lack meaningful support may carry inherent risks. Those in indifferent relationships—low support but also low strain—had the second-fastest disease accumulation rate.

In other words, the absence of conflict in a relationship may not be enough to offer protective health benefits. A “good” marriage or relationship can’t simply be defined as one in which partners simply don’t fight. Rather, a healthy partnership involves not only the relative absence of negativity but also the presence of strong, reliable emotional support.

Interestingly, even a relationship with considerable strain fared better than those characterized by low support. The ambivalent group—high support and high strain—showed the smallest disadvantage compared with the ideal supportive group. That suggests that having a partner who sometimes may annoy you or get on your nerves but is also always there for you when needed may be better for your health than being in a relationship that offers little support.

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And simply being partnered was not automatically protective. While people without partners experienced the fastest accumulation of chronic conditions, relationship quality mattered as well. People in low-support relationships also accumulated chronic conditions more quickly than those in supportive relationships. Additionally, greater attention should be given to women, who appeared particularly sensitive to these effects.

Ultimately, these findings suggest that when it comes to our relationships and health, simply avoiding conflict is not enough. Developing thriving relationships where we feel loved, understood, seen, and supported is key. Knowing our partner always has our back and can be relied on in good times as well as in bad may benefit our emotional and physical health as we age.