The Science of Flourishing Love

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Relationships are one of the key contributors to a flourishing life. Studies consistently find that individuals who are happily married or in a long-term committed relationship experience better health and increased longevity.

So, how do we create flourishing relationships and reap powerful well-being effects?

Many relationships are far from flourishing—and some are downright miserable. Others, while not necessarily unhealthy, may not be thriving. Instead, they feel stagnant. Many people refer to this situation as the “roommate syndrome,” where partners feel a lack of physical and emotional intimacy and feel more like cohabitants than romantic partners.

No amount of flowers, chocolate, or champagne—on Valentine’s Day or any day—is going to magically flip a switch and transform a so-so relationship into a flourishing partnership.

So, what can we do instead?

Six Research-Backed Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship

Here are six evidence-based actions we can take to strengthen our relationship—not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day:

1. Prioritize Positivity

Flourishing marriages aren’t defined by the absence of conflict, but rather by the presence of positivity— expressed through warmth, affection, and appreciation. An abundance of research shows that positivity helps couples broaden how they think and communicate. Positivity also acts as a buffer against stress and helps couples bounce back from adversity.

We must intentionally practice positivity rather than leaving positive emotions to chance. Early in a relationship, positive emotions arise naturally and abundantly. Over time, however, it’s normal for them to diminish. We can’t expect them to occur at the same frequency and intensity as they did in the beginning.

Instead, leading emotion researcher Barbara Fredrickson’s work suggests that we “prioritize positivity” by choosing activities that naturally evoke those emotions in both ourselves and our partner—and by intentionally scheduling them into our day. Fredrickson has found that the happiest people don’t just wait to feel happy; instead, they deliberately build positivity into their daily lives.

2. Express Gratitude

Gratitude can make—or break—a marriage. Leading gratitude researcher Robert Emmons defines gratitude as “an affirmation of the goodness in one's life and the recognition that the source of this goodness lies outside the self.”

Gratitude is one of the most important strengths when it comes to individual well-being, and it may be the most important positive emotion when it comes to relationships. That makes sense since everyone wants to feel appreciated.

We dedicate an entire chapter to gratitude in our book Happy Together, where we discuss how many relationships fall apart due to a lack of appreciation. Be intentional about expressing gratitude to your partner—and be specific. Acknowledge their actions, effort, or character rather than offering vague praise.

3. Be Fully Engaged—Savor Your Partner

In today’s fast-paced world, we juggle countless responsibilities. In our effort to get through the day, we often miss opportunities to connect. Many meaningful moments pass by unnoticed.

Life is made up of moments—that’s all we have. Prolific researchers Fred Bryant and Joseph Veroff (2017) wrote extensively about the powerful effect of savoring on our relationships. When we slow down and linger in a moment, we deepen our bond. Spend 15 minutes each morning or evening to take the time to focus fully on your partner with no distractions. No phones. No multitasking. Give them your full attention.

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4. Celebrate the Good News

While it’s essential to support our partner during tough times, research suggests that it may be even more important to be there during good times. Couples who actively celebrate their partner’s good news report happier and more sustainable relationships.

Good things happen on a more frequent basis (one study suggests about five times more often), yet we tend to notice the negative more easily. This means that we may be missing everyday opportunities to connect with our partner.

The next time your partner shares good news with you, don’t just brush it off. Resist the urge to respond passively. Instead, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. Ask questions and share in their joy. Enthusiastically acknowledge their effort and success.

5. Be Curious

Many couples longingly look back at the early days of their relationship, craving the deep connection they initially felt and intentionally built. Maybe it was through marathon phone calls late into the night, trying to learn everything they could about their partner. Or early-morning conversations over coffee, sharing rich details of their childhood experiences, dreams, and future goals. Curiosity was once a hallmark of their relationship.

Over time, however, couples can fall into a rut where conversations become transactional rather than interactional. This often happens because we stop asking questions and assume we know everything there is to know about our partner. Nothing could be further from the truth.

We are always growing and changing—and so are our relationships. Research suggests that curiosity can help keep the relationship spark alive. Be curious again. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and mimic what you did then. Ask questions on a regular basis to learn about your partner’s current hopes, ideas, and future goals.

6. Meaning Making

Relationships are a beautiful way to make meaning together. Marriages don’t exist in a vacuum; they are embedded in families, communities, and shared values.

As we discuss in Love in Your Golden Years, one meaningful practice is to create a marital mission statement—an intentional articulation of the values, virtues, and goals that define your relationship. Regularly revisit and refine it. Ask one another: What does our marriage stand for? What greater purpose are we serving together?

Marriages take work. No grand gesture or expensive gift will instantly make a relationship flourish. Instead, consistent intention and attention—practiced daily—are what will enable love to grow, flourish, and endure.