Want to Deepen Your Connection and Sexual Satisfaction?

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The holiday season seems to have sprung up quicker than ever this year. One moment we were shaking the sand out of our sandals, the next we found ourselves carving the Thanksgiving turkey. And now Christmas is right around the corner. While it's a fun and festive season, it can also be a time of heightened stress for many people.

The busyness and non-stop pace can run us ragged—between decorating our homes, entertaining, attending countless work parties, and managing the hectic holiday shopping. The pressure to find the “perfect” gift for our friends and family can be downright grueling.

In fact, numerous studies from across the world indicate that the season can take a toll on mental health and lead to overspending and impulsive shopping.

One common holiday stressor for couples is overthinking about what to get their spouse or significant other. What one person thinks their partner might like isn't always the case. Sometimes we purchase a gift that we like, and we assume they will as well.

And then comes awkward silence. Have you ever excitedly handed your partner a gift, only for them to smile and politely say "thank you" without much enthusiasm?

Or perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end – baffled as to why your partner got you yet another meaningless tchotchke destined to collect dust, or a goofy festive sweater you would never wear. You may feel exasperated, wondering, “How does my spouse not know me after all these years?"

Meanwhile, your partner sees your lack of enthusiasm and appreciation and feels hurt. Gratitude is a key predictor of relationship well-being, so a moment like this can deliver an unintentional blow to the relationship.

These anecdotes highlight why gift-giving can be such a mixed bag in part because of expectations, misunderstandings, disappointment, and the ingratitude that can ensue.

While we are by no means suggesting that physical gifts are never to be given, we believe many people get swept up in the commercialization of the holidays and rampant consumerism, which can eclipse the true meaning of the season. We think there is a better way to express love for one another.

A Better Way of Gift-Giving

As human beings, we all have a deep need to be seen and understood. One of the greatest gifts we can give our romantic partner is to truly love them and see them for who they are— their authentic selves. One powerful way we can do this is by acknowledging and appreciating their inherent character strengths, the qualities that make them who they are.

Perhaps it's their intense love of learning, or their appreciation of beauty and excellence. Or maybe their adventurous spirit. Whatever it is, noticing their strengths and helping them to nurture and exercise those strengths is foundational for a thriving relationship.

Prolific researcher Todd Kashdan found that couples who help facilitate strength use in one another experience a deeper connection and greater relational and sexual satisfaction. (Discover your top five strengths, commonly referred to as your signature strengths, by taking the free VIA strengths test here.)

Source: Pexels/centre-for-ageing-better

One way couples can help each other apply their strengths is by gifting a "strengths date" voucher. As we write in Happy Together, a strengths date entails selecting one of your top strengths (e.g., zest) and one of your partner’s (e.g., love of learning) and planning a single activity that will allow each of you to put that strength into practice.

For example, you could plan a weekend biking through a historical part of your city that you never explored. By the end of the date your adventurous spirit would be sated, and your partner’s intellectual hunger would be satisfied.

Don't limit this activity to the holidays. Ideally, incorporate strengths dates into your relationship on an ongoing basis to help strengthen your connection and to keep things fresh. Novelty has been shown to boost relationship satisfaction.

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Given the myriad number of strengths and their possible combinations, the activities you could plan are endless. Take turns planning the dates—or plan them together. And remember that the key point of the activity is to have fun together, authentically connecting.

By planning and partaking in strengths dates, couples can bring their best selves to the moment and feel truly seen and understood. And as human beings, that is the most meaningful gift we can give one another — this season and throughout the year.