How Watching Football May Help You Improve Your Relationship

What do a successful football game and a thriving romantic relationship have in common?

At first glance, it might seem like nothing. However, if you look more closely, you might be surprised to see they share several key characteristics: They both require intricate coordination between individuals, excellent timing, and focused attention, all while simultaneously being open and flexible to last-minute adjustments based on the actions of the parties involved.

Watching football—in particular, examining the fluid movements of the wide receiver—can remind us of an important lesson when it comes to relationships: learning how to respond to our partner’s actions is key.

In football, the wide receiver’s position is crucial in that he’s responsible for catching passes from the quarterback and helping move the ball down the field to score. Without a good receiver, we wouldn’t have a successful game. If we only focused on players throwing the ball, and not responding well, the game would stagnate.

For example, Jalen Hurts, the quarterback of our beloved home team, the Philadelphia Eagles, threw some amazing passes in Sunday’s game. If star receiver A.J. Brown wasn’t paying attention and completely missed the toss, then the game wouldn’t have been as successful and may have fallen apart.

Similarly, in relationships, it’s important to catch—and not fumble—what our partner throws our way to increase our chances for success.

Like a football game, a romantic relationship is an ongoing interaction involving an intricate network of initiations and responses. For the relationship to go smoothly, each needs to do their part well. Our partner can initiate and express great things, like gratitude, for example. But if it isn’t received well by us, its full effect will not be felt.

Renowned marriage expert John Gottman’s work supports this view. His research demonstrates the importance of what he calls “bids” in a marital relationship. He defines a bid as an attempt a spouse makes to establish a positive connection with their partner.

When we make bids, we are seeking things such as attention, acknowledgment, and affection. Bids come in all sorts of varieties. They can be verbal, such as a comment or a request for help. They can also be nonverbal, as with gestures and facial expressions (such as a flirty wink) or actions (e.g., a warm hug).

Gottman found that, in thriving relationships, both partners are equally skilled at making bids. In a study of 130 newlyweds, he found that the happiest couples make bids for each other’s attention throughout the day.

However, his research has demonstrated that it’s not only the bids that are important for the health and longevity of our relationship but also how partners respond and receive them.

The Science of Responding: Become a Better Receiver in Life

In the study of 130 newlyweds, the happiest couples did not merely make regular bids to each other daily, but they also responded with interest to their partners when their attention was sought.

In fact, Gottman found that the couples who remained together six years later responded positively to each other’s bids approximately 86 percent of the time, whereas those who divorced only turned toward their partners about 33 percent of the time.

The interplay of initiation and response is so essential in marital relationships that closely observing these interactions in another one of his studies helped Gottman predict with an astonishing 94 percent accuracy which couples would stay together and which would divorce.

Like a wide receiver in football, it’s important to keep our eye on the ball to catch the great throws (or “bids”) of our own personal quarterback—our romantic partner. We must be open and ready to receive at any time, turning toward our partner with our full attention rather than looking the other way and missing the toss.

While making bids is important, it’s equally important how couples respond to them. This receiving side appears to be more difficult for most people.

To help couples initiate and respond to bids better, we created an Interaction Model of Relationships, which we detail in Happy Together. The model seeks to simplify the various steps involved in successful initiation and response. It breaks down the complexity into basic steps, much like what a football coach might do. And it focuses on the character strengths as well as the actions of the individuals.

Optimize the way you interact with our partner and become a better receiver by practicing the following three steps:

• Step One: Awareness. Notice what is being offered by your partner and the personal strengths they are exhibiting. Be on the lookout for these special moments of, say, kindness being initiated. If you intentionally look for ways your partner is using their strengths and reaching out to you, you are more likely to notice them. Slowing down and practicing awareness in your daily interactions with your partner is critical to seeing their goodness.
• Step Two: Assessment. Stop to consider the effects of your partner’s actions and initiation of a specific strength, say, gratitude, on you and your relationship. For example, you may notice the appreciative words they expressed to you heightened your well-being and motivated you to cultivate your own personal strengths. In turn, it may have encouraged you to feel more engaged in your relationship.
• Step Three: Action. Respond thoughtfully and sensitively to your partner’s outward expression to you. Remember to see their bid as a positive way to connect. Don’t shut them down. Instead, give your partner your attention, acknowledgment, and affection for making an attempt to bond with you in the moment.

In today’s game of life, many of us are juggling so many balls daily. It’s only natural, of course, that we are going to drop a few that are thrown our way. However, it’s important we slow down and focus our attention on our partner, so we become more aware of all the positive plays coming our way.

If we repeatedly ignore, or no longer even notice, our partner and their playful bids, our relationship may languish and eventually fall apart.

Instead, remember to take a cue from football greats by being open, agile, and attuned to what your partner is throwing your way so you can catch more of the good stuff. When practiced regularly, these steps may help you strengthen your connection, ultimately improving your relational game.