Have You Ever Received a Gift You Didn't Like?

Has this ever happened to you?

Your spouse gives you a gift, and they’re brimming with excitement as they urge you to open the present. You rip off the wrapping paper and are presented with something you didn’t exactly want. It’s not that you despise the gift necessarily, it’s just that you don’t find it particularly interesting or useful. In fact, it’s something you’d never choose in a million years.

However, you don’t want them to feel bad. So you smile politely and kindly accept the gift. The following year something similar unfolds: you’re given another gift that you are lukewarm about. Once again, you feign a smile, pretending to like the gift.

You don’t tell them how you feel or what you’re really thinking: Why on earth would you even think I’d want that? Don’t you know by now what I like? Sheesh!

Instead, once again you keep your true feelings to yourself.

While this behavior may seem harmless – after all it’s better than unleashing all your frustration at them for not knowing what you really want – it’s not an ideal way to interact with your partner for a myriad of reasons.

This habitual way of responding can lead to a monotonous routine of receiving things that you don’t want, and you having to fake it year after year. Who wants to keep this charade going?

More importantly, this inauthenticity can undermine your relationship. It can prevent you and your partner from getting to know one another on a deeper level and understanding what each of you truly value.

Just ask Suzie, an avid dark chocolate lover, who continued to give James dark chocolates as an after-dinner treat thinking he enjoyed them as much as she. Since he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, he would kindly accept them and put them in his pocket. This exchange continued until Suzie discovered mounds of chocolates stowed in James’ drawers, jacket pocket and elsewhere.

When she confronted him, he finally came clean that capping off his meal with dark chocolate wasn’t really his thing. He realized that had he responded differently, he might have stopped the charade years ago and perhaps received something that he had preferred after dinner: peppermint bark candy.

The Science of Receiving

Receiving a gift is like getting a rare gemstone; any way you look at it, you see beauty refracted. (Proverbs 17:8)

John D. Rockefeller Jr. is said to have quipped that “gracious acceptance is an art — an art which most never bother to cultivate.” He goes on to say that we all focus on learning how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.

We couldn’t agree more. We think receiving is much harder and something that doesn’t garner nearly as much attention. It follows that it’s only natural that most people haven’t practiced the science and art of receiving as much, a topic we have written about here.

And now, throw into the mix receiving gifts that we didn’t even want in the first place, and the matter gets even more complicated.

Studies suggest that gift recipients are more appreciative of gifts they specifically requested than those that are unsolicited. However, gift givers don’t seem to always realize that and often give things they think their partners will like based on their own likes, as Suzie demonstrated above.

So how on earth are gift responders supposed to respond when their partner completely misses the mark? It may seem like there are only two ways: politely yet passively accepting or rudely refusing.

We suggest a third way, which is a more thoughtful three-step approach and takes some practice. It is based on the Interaction Model of Relationships that we developed and discuss in detail in Happy Together, and is comprised of the following three steps:

• Awareness – Notice the special moments of kindness or thoughtfulness being initiated by your partner in giving you a gift.
• Assessment – Stop to consider the intended effects of your partner’s expression of kindness on you and the relationship. Understand their intentions were good, despite being ineffective.
• Action – Behave in such a way that it continues the spirit of the initiation. Express appreciation for the thoughtful intention behind your partner’s actions, rather than the outcome. Then calmly come clean that while you appreciate your partner’s intention, in the future you would prefer something different.

So how might this work in practice?

In James’s case of receiving something he didn’t want, he might have noticed Suzie was being thoughtful by gifting him dark chocolates after meals. Assessing the situation, he would have realized that Suzie, an avid dark chocolate lover, wanted to share kindness with James by regularly gifting him with this delicious treat.

But she lacked specific information about James not sharing the same taste in after dinner desserts. He could have come clean about it. He could have thanked her for her thoughtfulness and then suggested in the future Suzie give him peppermint bark, something he particularly enjoys after meals.

Be a Better Gift Receiver

This three-step process demonstrates that it doesn’t matter what we may have received and whether we liked the gift. We can always be gracious and appreciative for our partner’s thoughtfulness. However, remember that being appreciative isn’t equated with being inauthentic.

And while honesty is key, being tactful with the timing of the delivery is also key for thriving relationships — i.e., not blurting “I hate this gift!” in the moment but calmly and sensitively explaining later what you’d like in the future.

In brief, be a better gift receiver this holiday season and throughout the year by remembering to focus on the giver, not the gift or the benefit to yourself; reflect on your partner’s good character (e.g. thoughtfulness or kindness); and respond to your partner’s warm intention, not the outcome, all while being authentic with your true feelings about the gift at an appropriate time.

Practicing the Interaction Model may help you become a better communicator and receiver. You will learn how to better express your needs and desires, and improve your chances of receiving what you want, all while showing appreciation for your partner.

In turn, you and your partner will feel understood and cared for, ultimately forging a stronger connection. And that in itself might be the best gift we can all receive from one another.