Do You Sabotage Yourself?

Self-sabotage is a remarkably common behavior amongst humans. There are myriad reasons why you might sabotage yourself. Some people sabotage themselves across the board, although this is unusual. Others will ruin relationships, their study, or work, or self-sabotage their leisure or pleasure activities.

A lot of this behavior is about thinking we don't deserve to flourish in certain areas. If you had carers who always told you that you were lazy, then you may be unable to fully relax and enjoy your leisure, always thinking you need to prove how busy you are. Alternatively, you may have absorbed the message, “You’ll amount to nothing.” For some people, this acts as a spur to prove people wrong; for others, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There is a wonderful book by Claude Steiner, with whom I once had the privilege of doing a workshop, called Scripts People Live. In it, he describes how, as children, we pick certain paths to follow; these then determine our future behavior in order to reach the self-fulfilling prophecy. However, there is no reason, once we become aware of this behavior, why we cannot decide to change course and choose to be happy, successful, and fulfilled.

Effecting a change

If you’ve had poor role models or you’ve absorbed mainly negative messages about your life and possibilities, you will need to engage your nurturing parent and decommission your critical parent. If you were not well-nurtured when young, you will need to look for wider role models—maybe in a book or on television. The mother in “Our Yorkshire Family,” Amanda Owen, is nurturing and encouraging whilst not smothering her children and allowing them to be who they are. Dumbledore in Harry Potter is kind and wise and well-measured, wanting Harry to be happy and fulfilled. Speak to yourself as they speak to their charges in a kind, supportive way.

Start supporting yourself. When things don’t go well, ask yourself, “What could I have done differently?” “Should I have asked for help?” “What did I learn from this?” Don’t call yourself names or berate yourself or repeat old patterns of belittling yourself or telling yourself off.

Believe in yourself

You may also have had carers who created an “impasse” for you with mixed messages—“People like us don’t become (doctors, vets, scientists, film stars).” “Nice people don’t push themselves forward.” You need to decide that you don’t “buy into” these sentiments.

It is perfectly possible for anyone with enough support, drive, and ambition to become almost anything. The support may initially have to come from yourself, although finding a positive mentor is a good step: a favorite teacher, a supportive colleague. There are grants, scholarships, and apprenticeships for all sorts of things; you just need to ask and believe in yourself.

Equally, nice people can succeed, and there are many examples in our communities and in the public eye. Also, your definition of success could be completely different from someone else’s. I was once asked what my greatest success was, and I replied, “bringing up two relatively well-balanced, kind, useful young men,” and after that, teaching over 70 children to read and write as a Montessori teacher. For me, it wasn’t getting a book published, and it wasn’t getting my degree. You need to decide for yourself what constitutes “success.”

Learn to balance your life

You also need to decide on your own tailor-made work/life/people balance. If relationships and family are really important to you, then it may be that getting to the top of the tree at work doesn’t matter so much. Some people just want to go to work, earn money to pay for a content lifestyle, and leave it at that. Others will want to invest more time and energy in becoming the “best” at something. All will depend on what we seek and what drives us—just be careful you know who’s in the “driver's seat.”

Identifying unhelpful responses

Here follow some of the sabotaging behaviors to watch out for and cease or change:

• When offered a solution, you reply, “Yes, but….”
• You say to yourself, “If only….”
• You think, “I’ll be happy when….”
• You think, “People like me don’t become (whatever).”
• You tend to think, “It’s always been that way.”
• You blame other people, the past, the situation.

Self-Sabotage Essential Reads

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

A Hidden Form of Self-Sabotage Almost Everyone Engages In

These are just excuses. You need to approach everything that happens as a stepping stone: “What did I learn? What was useful, and what wasn’t?” It’s important to remember there is only “now” and ask yourself, “What are you waiting for?”

Learn to be proactive and not reactive. Work out what it is you want and pursue it. If you have a child or best friend or beloved pet, then learn to speak to yourself as you would to them. Self-sabotage is a learned behavior that can be changed once you are aware of it. So make a pledge to support yourself and become your own best friend and cheerleader. All good things will then follow.