Discomfort Is Good for You

Being uncomfortable with ourselves is one of our inbuilt early warning systems. Sometimes it’s as simple as feeling guilty because we have behaved badly or done something we know isn’t right and serves as a useful reminder. However, we can experience discomfort when we go against others’ expectations of ourselves or break a pattern of behaviour. If you have taken the role of the “nice” or “reliable” or “compliant” person in your family or in certain relationships, then if you step outside this role others will not like it and you will feel uncomfortable. Often you will feel uncomfortable to the point where you step back into the role. The more manipulative people around you will deliberately indicate in manner or speech that you have let them down in order that you do feel discomfort. What you have actually done is to choose your preferences over theirs and this sort of discomfort is good; a timely reminder not to discount yourself.

It is not always the best path to choose what you want over what others want. As parents, we often sacrifice our desires in the care of our children, and this is wise. If we are in certain jobs we may have to do things we don’t like and when you take on certain roles you know that is part of the job. Before you take a job you need to make sure it sits well with your values although, admittedly, we are sometimes not in a financial position to be choosy. What I say to my clients is “Does this make sense for you?” Sometimes it makes sense to take a certain job or behave in a certain way for the bigger picture—your financial security or the welfare of your children—but sometimes it does not.

Ignoring your own values and needs is bad for your health and can lead to serious illness. In The Body Says No, Gabor Maté explains how we become ill when we subsume our needs for those of others. He suggests that when faced with a choice of feeling guilt or resentment that we should always choose guilt. We can live with guilt, which is a socially constructed feeling, but resentment is corrosive and damaging. Sally Brampton says, “Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Resentment is anger turned inward when we have gone against what we want, need, or what makes sense for us.

Your boundaries are the limits that you set, both within and without, for how you are to be treated and regarded. I often say treat yourself how you expect others to treat you. If you disregard your needs, others will too. If you constantly do things you don’t want to or regard as unfair, others will expect this of you. Boundaries get better the more you use them. Work out what your limits are. Your boundaries will be different with different people. Some people require obvious and rigid boundaries—think teenagers! Others less so—think trusted friend. You need to think about what is right and works for you, regardless of others’ opinions. Then test out your criteria and adjust as you find what works and what doesn’t. Practice saying “No, I can’t do that.” Without any qualifying statement … no “because,” or “at the moment”—just, "No, I can’t do that.” You are not required to justify yourself to others. You need to “walk the walk” and behave to others as you wish to be behaved to. If you don’t like being questioned when you’ve said no, don’t do it to others. If you don’t like your wishes being subsumed, don’t do it to others. Live your beliefs and boundaries and they become you.

Boundaries are uniquely individual. I cannot choose yours and you cannot choose mine. Our boundaries must be a projection of who we are and in this way carry no judgment value—you cannot step inside another person and judge what they choose. You need to stick by your boundaries (once you have decided what they are) and live with the discomfort caused by others’ expectations as they adjust to the “new” you. This sort of discomfort is good—enjoy the guilt and let go of the resentment! Stick to your beliefs and you will find that others respect and like you for it. What’s more to the point, you will be happier and healthier and you will like yourself.