Championing Your Inner Child

This is about meeting the needs of the Child that still exists in you. It is also about acknowledging that some of these needs will never be met and letting go of the pursuit of them.

All of us have some remaining child behaviours which when integrated into our mature adult selves are useful and life-enhancing. For example getting excited about your birthday or Christmas is child-like and will enhance your enjoyment and maybe others’ too. Mischievous jokes or pranks can also fall within the child enjoyment category as long as they are not repetitive and annoying to others. An impromptu snowball fight evokes the child in us as does a roller coaster ride or a game with our children. Also our inner Child will let us know when we are tired and have had enough. They are well worth listening to. If you find yourself constantly “pressing on” or “just getting on with it”, you are probably achieving things at the expense of your inner Child who may have your health and well-being at heart - override this inner prompting at your peril particularly if you are the child of a very driven or successful parent as it may be that internalised parental voice driving you on!

However, there are also negative effects of our inner Child. These can manifest as petulant and manipulative behaviours, used in order to get our own way. These will have been learned in childhood when they were seen to be effective but are outdated and need to be shed; they are not part of a mature adult’s repertoire. A more direct approach in order to get what you want is more in keeping with adult behaviour.

Other negative Child effects will be based on left over hurts from childhood resulting in unmet needs. It is important to address these, although this can often be hurtful, reminding us of the things we wanted as children - more attention, love and praise - which may not have been forthcoming. If we still yearn for these as adults these “left over” needs will interfere with the way we relate to others, particularly in family relationships such as marriage or parenthood. It will be possible for us to snap back into old behaviours, appropriate when we were children, but wholly inappropriate now. This can happen when others touch these remaining “sore spots” by reminding us of past issues with their present behaviour.

It is important to work out what your “sore spots” are. If you find yourself overreacting to others' behaviour then you have probably hit one. Being excessively over-emotional in reaction is a good litmus test indicating that these are past needs that were not met. If you can identify these (sometimes with professional help) and lay them to rest you will be able to respond to the “here and now” rather than the “there and then” and form real relationships with people rather than repeating patterns learned in childhood in order to try and fulfill ‘past-their sell-by-date’ needs.

So first identify these needs. If every time someone mentions splitting the bill, you find yourself becoming angry or thinking that this must mean the other person is incredibly mean then you probably have “left over” money issues which need addressing. If you find yourself at work hating the new employee whom everyone else thinks is wonderful you probably have “left over” attention needs. Once you know what your triggers are you can work on responding differently. One of the most therapeutic ways I have found to respond is to acknowledge that you didn’t get what you wanted when you were little and that that hurt (and may do still) but then to separate the past from now and to choose to respond differently. Then you were little and vulnerable and there was nothing you could do to change things. Now you are an adult and can get things you need by being open and asking for them. This is how we can lay past ghosts and go forward getting more of what we want and need in an appropriate manner.

So nurture and champion your inner Child. Lay past hurts to rest, enjoy impromptu fun, have a giggle and be “silly” now and again. Also use your inner Child to warn you when you are “pushing on” too hard or ignoring needs that you can properly fulfill as an adult - like more attention and praise or time off to just do nothing. Learn to harness your inner Child in these ways and you will lay your childhood ghosts to rest and start to flourish.