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As a child you are very much at the mercy of your parents whether they love and nurture you or they don’t. They dictate how you view and interact with the world, what your expectations are and how you behave towards yourself.
An “unparented” child does not necessary refer to a child without parents; many children with two parents will have been “unparented” by one or the other or in some cases by both. This can be unintended indifference, negligence or intentional cruelty for any number of reasons that are fundamentally nothing to do with you.
It could be that your parents were not in a situation to welcome your arrival through circumstances that were not under their control. Sometimes a boy is longed for and another girl arrives or vice versa and the parents find their disappointment interferes with their perception of this child. Sometimes an extravert parent fails to connect with a more introverted child. Parents can be too focussed on their own needs, particularly if they have been poorly parented themselves and have no available Parent energy for their offspring; these parents become resentful of their children’s needs and demands.
No matter why or how you lacked parenting it will have left a gap which some survive by mirroring their parents’ poor behaviour and taking it into the next generation as poor parents themselves. It is the sensitive, mismatched and emotionally available child who will suffer the most. If this was you, you need to acknowledge your loss and set about providing a robust and supportive internal Parent for yourself. Your unskilled parent will not be able to give you what you need – more than likely they never will. It is futile and damaging as an adult to try to get redress, apologies or change from such a parent. Most such parents are damaged and dysfunctional as a result of their own needs being overlooked and it is highly unlikely that they will ever realise the damage they have caused or the skills they have failed to provide.
You will need to learn to parent yourself. This is hard work and difficult if you have had a poor role model. However, most people will have encountered good parent-wise adult as they were growing up. Maybe a teacher, a relative, a friend or a co-worker who takes or models the “good enough” parenting role. This is where one can gain self-parenting skills. No other person can heal you or compensate for what you have missed out on; only you.
Try to adopt the following self-parenting, nurturing behaviours:
When things go wrong, soothe and champion yourself. Remind yourself crises are challenges and change is part of life not a disaster.
Look after yourself physically, too: eat well, get enough sleep and don’t abuse your system with too much or too little anything – balance is key.
Make wise choices that benefit you. Keep things in perspective, use mistakes as learning opportunities and focus on the long term.
Make sure your “self-talk” is encouraging and kind.
Reward and praise yourself.
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and/or family.
Nurture yourself when you need to – when tired, disheartened, sick, lonely, or frightened.
Imagine yourself small and treat yourself accordingly. I used to imagine myself small enough to fit into the palm of my hand in order to engender protective feelings as I had no idea how to generate these, having had poor models of my own. I assumed there was something wrong with me – this is common among unparented children and their lack of self-care can lead to serious accidents – I had several whilst growing up. So beware any negative, self-harming behaviours.
You may have an in-built self-sabotage programme – many unparented children do. Don’t punish yourself for not being good enough. As an adult you need to recognise that your parent was damaged and that nothing would have or indeed, will measure up. You are your own parent now and you are most definitely good enough.
Self-parenting is an ongoing process. You will have set-backs and this is normal but the more you engage the Parent part of yourself in a positive, kind and nurturing manner the more this will become second nature. You will start to integrate these behaviours into who you are now - your adult self and you will get the loving, supportive parent you need – You!
A word of warning: If you have been physically or mentally abused please seek some professional help as this is almost always too traumatic for the wronged person to manage by themselves.
