How to Stop Worrying About Things You Can’t Control

Worry is a frequent companion for anyone who lives with anxiety. I define it as the quiet form of anxiety that shows up as repetitive thoughts, “what if” scenarios, and mental rehearsals of the “worst case” outcomes.

As much as we wish the solution to worry were simple, the commands to “Just stop worrying. Let it go. Calm down” just don't work. That’s not because you are weak or broken, but because worry is more than just a thought. Worry is its own emotional and physiological response to fear.

Worry Has a Purpose (Even When It Hurts)

Worry is not your enemy. It exists because you care about your health, your loved ones, your work, and your future.

At its best, worry:

• Keeps your attention on what matters
• Helps you prioritize
• Motivates you to prepare or take action

The trouble comes when your worry attaches to things you cannot actually influence, such as other people’s choices, unpredictable events, or imagined disasters. In those moments, worry has nowhere useful to go. It loops, escalates, and starts to feel like it is running you. To get a handle on it, follow these steps.

Step 1: Ask Three Core Questions

When you feel caught in worry, pause and ask yourself:

What am I really afraid of? Go one layer deeper. Is it fear of failure, loss, rejection, being unprepared, or disappointing someone? Naming the fear gives it edges. Fuzzy fear is paralyzing; specific fear is workable.

Where do I have control to impact the outcome? This is the heart of it. You cannot control other people’s decisions, the past, or random events. But you can control your choices, your preparation, your boundaries, and how you respond.

Is worrying about this taking away from your life and happiness? Notice the cost. Are you losing sleep, snapping at people you care about, or struggling to focus? Worry that relentlessly pulls you away from your values and well-being is worry that needs to be redirected.

Step 2: Recognize Worry as It Happens

You cannot work with what you do not see. Start by simply noticing: “I am worrying right now.” Pay attention to:

• The thoughts that repeat
• The situations that trigger them
• The physical sensations that show up in your body

This is not about judging yourself. It is about building awareness so that worry becomes something you observe and work with, rather than something that silently drives you.

Step 3: Identify What Your Worry Is Really About

Worry is rarely only about the surface situation. You might be worrying about:

• A loved one traveling, but underneath is the fear of losing them
• A comment from a colleague, but underneath is the fear of being seen as incompetent
• A medical test, but underneath is the fear of your life changing in ways you cannot handle

If it is hard to decode this alone, therapy can be especially helpful here. Once you can reliably interpret what your worry is signaling, it feels less like an enemy and more like information. You gain a clearer sense of what matters most to you.

Step 4: Sort Through What You Can and Cannot Control

Here, the classic Serenity Prayer offers a powerful framework: acceptance of what you cannot change, courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Make two mental or written lists.

What I cannot control: Other people’s feelings, behaviors, and choices, random events, the past, and outcomes that depend on many factors beyond you.

What I can control: How you communicate, prepare, set boundaries, care for your body, seek support, and respond to whatever happens next.

If your worry is mostly about items in the “cannot control” column, your work is to gently shift your energy and attention back to your own choices. When it is about things you can influence, your work is to translate worry into concrete steps.

Step 5: Determine Your Next Action

Ask yourself: “Given what I now understand, what is one constructive thing I can do?”

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Examples:

• If you are worried about a presentation, you might practice, ask for feedback, or prepare answers to likely questions.
• If you are worried about a relationship, you might plan a calm conversation, clarify your needs, or set a boundary.
• If you are worried about your health, you might schedule an appointment, follow through on recommendations, or adjust one daily habit.

The key is to focus on actions that address the real driver of your worry, not just the most convenient or familiar thing to do.

Step 6: Take Action and Expect Some Discomfort

The moment you move from thinking to doing, your worry may briefly spike. This does not mean you are doing the wrong thing. It often means your body is mobilizing energy for action.

You might feel resistance, avoidance, or sudden confusion — that “I will deal with this later” urge. When you can see these as part of the worry process, not as stop signs, you are less likely to get derailed.

Worry rarely quiets down before you act. It usually settles as you engage with what matters.

Working With Worry, Not Against It

You do not need to wage war on your worry or shame yourself for having it. The goal is not to become a person who never worries. It is to become a person who knows what to do with worry when it shows up.

Worry’s impact on your life ultimately comes down to how you think about it and what you do with it. When you stop fighting your worry and start listening to it, and when you thoughtfully redirect it toward what you can control, you reclaim your strength, your courage, and your capacity to build a deeply meaningful life, even in the presence of uncertainty.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.