Struggling to Get Over a Breakup?

Breakups can be torture.

You’d had good times and big plans. Binge-watching while snuggling. Friday night dinners with other couples. You traveled together and planned to travel more. You planned your future home and perhaps even marriage and kids. Your couplehood was central to your life and your identity.

You never wanted to know how to get over a breakup, but as time went on, it became clear that this relationship wasn’t suitable long term. And now it’s over. Ouch.

And even though it's over, you may still find yourself struggling to move on. What's going on? you might wonder. Why can't I get over it?

Source: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

You might not be remembering the negative parts of the relationship well enough...

The surprising truth of getting over your ex just might boil down to harnessing the negatives of the relationship for the positive.

Breakups are one of the few times in life when focusing on the negative is a good thing. That is to say, when those “highlight reels” of all the good times, all the exciting plans, and all the nostalgia creep in, they need a reality check.

That reality check is recalling all the reasons that the relationship wasn’t right for you.

Every relationship has them; what is your list of all the negative aspects of the relationship? The challenges and disappointments?

Source: Aye Ogunseinde / Unsplash

Think about all the reasons, and then write down your list.

Your list becomes a tangible reference for you when you fall into the highlight reel. It's the negative aspects of your relationship that can be your go-to for combating the understandable, although ill-directed, “maybe we could get back together” fantasy.

Everyone’s list is different. Aim to think about the reasons you might have had for breaking up. To help, here are some common categories:

• You had different life goals or values.
• You kept fighting, and couldn’t resolve your differences.
• You didn’t feel understood, or otherwise didn’t feel you got the emotional support you needed.
• You were incompatible (be specific as to why).
• Your ex was abusive, mentally unstable, suffering from addiction, or any combination thereof.

After you’ve written down your personal list about why you broke up with your ex, choose the most impactful reason. What is it?

That one main reason will be your negative focus to combat any wishful thinking about getting back together. By focusing on why you broke up, you’ll have a tool to counterbalance any longings to return to this now-past relationship.

Breaking up takes time, and involves a period of grief. Reminding yourself why you broke up can help you work through the breakup rather than remain stuck in wishful thinking about what could have been.

Rather than being a source of pain, the negatives aspects of life with your ex can help you remember how your relationship wasn't good enough for you.

Staying focused on what you need in a relationship helps you avoid the wish traps of healing, and move through the pain of a break up more smoothly. This mindset also helps you focus on the future, paving the way for more positive interactions with others down the line.

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A version of this post was also published on Dr. Clark's blog.