How to Tell If You Can Trust a Friend

Trust helps build close relationships, but it can also lead to betrayal.

Source: congerdesign/Pixabay

Trust is an important ingredient in any friendship. But there are many aspects to trust.

How we want to be able to trust friends

We definitely want friends to keep our private information private. If we confide in them about what we think about other people, or stressful events in our lives, or embarrassing things we did, or our hopes, fears, or self-doubts, we want to know that they will hold those carefully and not turn around and blab about them to others.

Beyond keeping our secrets, we also want to trust that our friends will be kind to us, that they’ll be honest with us, that they accept us as we are and want the best for us, that they’re always on our side… We want to trust that our friends care about us and will support us when we need it.

That’s a long list of things we want from a friend. It’s a good list, but here’s the problem: we’re all human. It’s very likely that someday, somehow a friend will let you down. Maybe they’ll say something that hurts your feelings or do something that upsets you. They probably won’t do it on purpose, but it will sting.

And, on the flip side, you’re likely to make a mistake and disappoint your friend at some point, too.

When trust is betrayed

It’s important to recognize that there are different degrees of breaking trust. Some just lead us to feel a bit disappointed or annoyed. Those are easier to get past.

Working through disappointments and misunderstandings is part of building a strong friendship. When they happen, the two of you can talk things out, ask for what you want from now on, or just decide to forgive each other and move on. And maybe getting through that friendship rough spot will help you understand each other a bit better.

But sometimes a friend might break your trust in a way that makes you feel betrayed because they did something that hurt you deeply and makes you doubt that they care about you. That could mean the end of that friendship. That’s sad, but maybe it will help you learn something about relationships and also about yourself and what you are or aren’t willing to accept.

When expectations don’t match the relationship

Sometimes, what might seem like a betrayal of trust is actually a misunderstanding about the level of closeness in a particular friendship. Not all friendships are the “I’ll drop everything and come over at 2 a.m. if you need me!” type. And that’s OK.

If you find yourself often disappointed in friends, you may want to consider whether your expectations don’t match the relationship. With less intimate relationships, look for smaller forms of trust. For instance, can you trust them to be enjoyable company when you’re together? Can you trust them to be interested when you talk about what’s going on in your life? Can you trust them to show up (most of the time) if you make plans together?

Keep in mind that a friend can be unreliable in certain ways yet still be a good friend. You might have a friend who always runs late, no matter how often you explain that you don’t like that. That’s probably more about their poor sense of time or overly hectic life than a reflection of how they feel about you. Another friend might be bad at responding to texts but still genuinely care about you. Still another friend might be great company for going out on a Saturday night, but not so good about talking about feelings and relationships.

Giving the gift of trust

Does the fact that no friend is perfect mean you should never trust anyone? Definitely not. Keeping your distance guarantees shallow relationships.

It takes courage to trust someone, especially if you’ve been burned before, but it’s the only way to build a close friendship. Giving someone the gift of your trust doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You can do it little by little, so you can figure out who you can trust and how.

Test the waters of trust

There’s no sign that guarantees a friend will be trustworthy. Someone who’s usually kind is more likely to be trustworthy than someone who often does mean things, but mostly we just need to figure things out, bit by bit over time.

Maybe you’ll share something about you, and your friend will respond by sharing something about them.

Maybe you’ll have a problem and your friend will help, and then your friend will have a problem and you’ll help.

Maybe you’ll have a conflict or misunderstanding and work through it together in a way that makes you both feel closer.

As you spend time together, you’ll get to know each other better, and maybe genuine trust will grow between you.