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Key points
- Bragging can come across as a put-down.
- Thinking we're not good enough can prevent us from reaching out.
- Focusing on connecting rather than impressing can help build genuine friendships.
What runs through your mind when you’re about to get together with people you don’t know well?
Maybe you fuss with your appearance, trying to look your best, or fretting about something that seems imperfect. Maybe you try to come up with things to talk about that may seem interesting or entertaining. Maybe you just wonder or worry about whether they’ll like you.
All of those very common thoughts could unintentionally get in the way of building genuine friendships.
The friendship-blocking belief
The Magnet Myth of Friendship is the belief that we have to be so amazing and wonderful that we draw friends to us the way a magnet attracts metal. But that’s not how friendships work.
If you’re looking for that “wow, you’re amazing!” reaction, you’re not looking for friends; you’re looking for fans. But friendship is a relationship between equals; not one-sided admiration.
Trying to be impressive can backfire
Believing the magnet myth can lead people to do things that prevent them from making friends. For instance, they might brag to try to impress people, thinking that’s going to make people want to be friends with them. But saying or implying, “I’m better than you!” is not a good way to make friends. Bragging can come across as a put-down.
Trying to be impressive can also lead us to pretend to be someone we’re not. Or, we might think we have to hide important aspects of ourselves. This gets in the way of genuine connection.
Judging ourselves harshly can hold us back
Believing the magnet myth can also make people hold themselves back from making friends. They might think, “Oh, I’m not attractive enough or successful enough or smart enough for people to like me,” so they don’t even try to reach out to others, and they end up feeling lonely and stuck.
But there’s no giant checklist of personal qualities that determines who deserves to have friends, Friendship isn’t about whether you’re great in some way. That’s not a requirement.
Friendship has more to do with how other people feel when they’re with you than how great you are. Do you show others that you like them and enjoy their company? That’s what can help you make and keep friends.
Focusing on what we imagine people think of us makes us look in the wrong direction
Believing the magnet myth can also pull people out of the present moment. “Is he impressed by me?” “Does she like me?” “Do they think I’m weird?” If you’re constantly thinking these thoughts that means you’re distracted from the current conversation or activity.
When we’re judging ourselves, we’re not paying attention to what’s happening, in that moment, with the people around us, because our mind is elsewhere. We have to show up physically and mentally to build strong friendships.
A better and easier way to build friendships
The alternative to believing the magnet myth of friendship is to connect rather than impress. Focus more on being interested than interesting. Ask questions and get to know the other person. Look for what you have in common. Do fun things together.
Bit by bit, all of this can help you build real friendships that are based on knowing and caring about each other rather than trying to seem impressive.
