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Key points
- Cutting remarks won't make people want to hear your point of view.
- Communicating clearly and effectively is more important than being right.
When feeling furious, it’s tempting to spend a lot of time and effort fuming and fantasizing about what we could say to that so-and-so to take them down!
But it’s unwise to act on such fantasies because, well, because they’re dumb.
While there’s a certain malicious satisfaction in crafting, with precise vocabulary and razor-edged prosody, the most exquisitely eviscerating remarks we can imagine, it’s just not useful (or kind) to say them aloud.
Cutting remarks, however witty, are unlikely to cause someone to admit their wrongdoing, collapse in remorse, and beg forgiveness. The harsher the criticism, the more likely people are to respond defensively, aggressively, or dismissively.
A take-them-down! approach is destructive and likely to lead to escalation. If we focus on put-downs, we act as if we need to argue our case in front of invisible judges who will decide who is right with a capital R! But such judges don’t exist. Communicating clearly and effectively is more important than being right.
Here are some ideas about how to confront a friend or family member in a healthy and productive way.
Acknowledge your own feelings.
Yes, you’re angry. But what else are you feeling? Worried? Hurt? Disappointed? When we understand our own feelings, we’re less likely to be driven blindly by them.
Find compassion for the other person.
This is so hard to do when we’re feeling upset or wronged! But seeing the other person as an imperfect but well-meaning human being rather than an enemy or oppressor puts you in a better place to deal handle the situation constructively.
Try to imagine understandable and forgivable reasons why the other person might have done whatever it is. This doesn’t make their actions acceptable, but broadening your perspective on what happened could help soften your anger and help you deliver your message in a calmer way.
Starting a confrontation by offering understanding can minimize defensiveness. You might say, “I know you didn’t mean to…”, “I get you had a lot going on…”, or “I understand you were trying to…” Such comments communicate that we know the other person has good intentions and is a good person even when they mess up.
Identify your communication goal.
Before you say anything, a crucial question to ask yourself is, what response are you hoping for from the other person? If you don’t know what you want, you’re less likely to get it.
Often, we don’t think beyond I want to give them a piece of my mind! But that doesn’t help the other person move forward in better ways.
We can’t change the past, so think about what you would like the person to do differently moving forward. No one can read your mind, so you’ll need to ask directly for what you want by saying something like, “From now on, could you please…” or “Next time we’re in that situation, I’d appreciate it if you could….”
Think carefully about whether your request is fair and doable for this particular person at this particular time. It doesn’t make sense to ask for the impossible or the unlikely.
Speak up in ways that are easy to hear.
Yelling, name-calling, accusing, blaming—all such behaviors make it less likely that the other person will want to listen to what you have to say.
Getting your message across might involve:
- Choosing the right moment
- Using “I” statements rather than “You” accusations
- Focusing on one incident, rather than everything the other person has ever done wrong
- Avoiding the words “always” and “never”
- Talking about actions rather than personality traits
- Explaining why you want what you want.
Plan what to do if the other person doesn't listen.
Wise communication makes it more likely that the other person will hear you, but there’s no guarantee that will happen.
It might help to have a Plan B, what to do if the other person isn’t receptive to your first attempt to bring up an important issue
Maybe you’ll want to repeat the message. Sometimes people need to be alerted to the importance of a message. You could say, “This is important to me. Please listen.”
Sometimes people need to hear things several times for the message to sink in. So maybe you could raise an issue first at a neutral time then later bring it up in the moment, saying, “This is what I’m talking about.”
You might also want to consider the overall relationship. In some cases, you might come to realize that the other person is doing the best they can and decide to accept or work around their imperfections because the rest of your relationship is positive. In other cases, you might decide that the best answer for you is to move and focus on other, kinder people.
