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Key points
- You can't make friends for your kid, but you can offer comfort, guidance, and opportunities.
- Think about what your child enjoys doing that they could do with other kids to help find like-minded peers.
- Learning to recognize stop signals will help prevent your child from annoying peers.
Hearing your child talk about feeling friendless can be heartbreaking. While we can’t make friends for our kids, there’s a lot we can do to ease the way socially for them.
1. Reach First for Empathy
Some extra loving from mom or dad can ease the sting of friendship struggles. Echoing your child’s thoughts and feelings allows your child to feel heard and understood. You could say, “It sounds like you had a rough day” or “It hurt your feelings when she said that.” You could also ask, “Do you need a hug?” or suggest an outing with just the two of you.
2. Try Not to Overreact
You may be tempted to step in like an avenging angel by contacting the other kid’s parent or speaking directly to that child. Don’t. Unless your child is in danger or it’s a case of very serious bullying, it’s usually best to give kids a chance to work out disagreements on their own.
Children’s feelings can change rapidly. So, the kid your child claims to hate today could be a favorite friend next week.
3. Support Emotional Awareness
What fuels the development of children’s friendships is a growing ability to understand someone else’s perspective.
After validating your child’s feelings, you may be able to help your child imagine the other kid’s perspective by asking questions. You could say, “Why do you think he did that?”, “How do you think she was feeling?”, or “Why do you think that bothered them?” Imagining another child’s feelings could soften your child’s anger and encourage more caring responses.
4. Get More Information
Your child’s account may not be complete because it’s hard for kids to see their own role in social difficulties. For ongoing problems, it may help to get more information by talking to your child’s teacher. You could also observe your child interacting with peers on the playground, during a playdate, or while you volunteer in your child’s classroom.
5. Coach Your Child
You may be able to guide your child toward getting along better with peers. Be careful not to correct your child in front of other children. Keep the coaching private.
At a neutral time, you could try role-playing with your child, practicing friendly greetings or calm responses to teasing. You could also help your child figure out and practice self-calming strategies to use in frustrating situations, such as losing a game.
Finding books or podcasts about friendship that you can share with your child can be a useful and nonthreatening way to discuss friendship topics. For example, each episode of my weekly, 5-minute podcast, Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic, features an audio recording of a question about friendship from a kid plus a practical and thought-provoking answer.
6. Be Alert to Stop Signals
Help your child notice and respond to stop signals. If other kids are saying things like “Quit it! You’re being annoying!”, it’s important to stop as quickly as possible. Otherwise, your child is signaling, “I don’t care about your feelings!”
Stopping is difficult for some kids. Having a plan to sit on their hands or cross their arms and take a step back, or even to say, “I’m going to stop now,” can make it easier for kids to transition out of an annoying behavior.
7. Find Your Child’s People
Kids make friends by doing fun things together. What does your child like to do that they could do with other kids? Joining a new club or after-school activity could be a good way to find friends with similar interests.
8. Practice Showing Openness to Friendship
Ask your child, “How could you show someone that you’re interested in being friends with them?” A friendly greeting, sincere compliment, or small act of kindness such as sharing or helping are easy ways your child could signal liking. Plan or practice some of these.
9. Create Opportunities for Friendships to Grow
One-on-one playdates or get-togethers can be a great way to deepen casual friendships.
Often kids are reluctant to invite someone over, insisting, “I don’t know them that well!” But inviting someone over helps kids get to know each other better. If your child and the other child have had fun together once, that’s a good enough basis to get together.
When the other child arrives for the get-together, have your child offer a choice of two activities. This avoids initial awkwardness about deciding what to do.
You may also want to try inviting another family over for a family game night.
10. Focus on Being Kind Rather Than Impressive
Sometimes, kids think they need to impress others to make friends. They may brag or try to be funny. But bragging can come across as a put-down, and humor is a risky social strategy because if it’s just a bit off, it’s not funny; it’s annoying.
Instead, your child could focus on being interested in others. They could ask questions that begin with "what" or "how" to get to know other kids and try to remember the responses to show they care.
11. Model the Importance of Friendship
Let your child see you making time for friendship. When you do something kind for a friend, tell your child what you’re doing and why. When you make plans with friends, share your happy anticipation and your enjoyment afterward. If you’re nervous about reaching out to people, talk with your child about how that’s scary for you, but you’re doing it anyway.
12. Get Professional Help, If Needed
Sometimes, friendship problems require professional help. If your child is being harassed or threatened at school, enlist the help of school personnel in keeping your child safe. If your child’s social difficulties continue for weeks or months, you may want to consult a mental health professional or try a social skills group, where your child can practice getting along with others in a safe, constructive environment.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
