The 5 Ways We Lean On Others (Or Don’t)

Here’s an important principle for living gratefully—the principle of nourishing reliance.

Nourishing reliance is a simple but radical idea: not just admitting we need other people but delighting in that need, seeing it as meaningful, beneficial, and even essential to fulfilling our deepest potential as human beings.

Research shows that grateful people are more likely to seek out support from others, while relying on others in turn creates more opportunities for gratitude. Gratitude deepens when we embrace our shared reliance.

Confession time: I wrestle with applying this principle in my personal life. I’m the guy who hates asking for directions when I’m lost. If leaning on others feels tough for you, know this: We’re fellow travelers on the same road.

Five Ways of Engaging With People

When it comes to leaning (or not leaning) on others, we tend to fall into one of five patterns: four that hold us back and one that helps us thrive.

1. Hyper-Independence: The “I-need-no-one” approach. You avoid depending on anyone, and you have few meaningful relationships. Even some social butterflies practice hyper-independence. You might be gregarious and friendly with everyone, keeping relationships pleasant but shallow. Vulnerability terrifies you. Asking for help feels impossible.

2. Caretakerism: You’re great at giving, terrible at receiving. You form meaningful relationships by helping others—teaching, mentoring, counseling—but bristle at the thought of being cared for yourself.

3. Toxic Dependence: Relying on someone who manipulates or harms you. Enough said—this is not the kind of dependence that leads to flourishing.

4. Stigmatized Dependence: You do rely on others, but you feel ashamed of it. Maybe you’ve internalized the idea that needing people equals weakness. Instead of leaning in, you hide your needs or apologize for them. Consider the possibility that what needs to change is not relying less on others but how you think about your dependence on others.

None of the above is a healthy way of relating to others. Here’s what I recommend instead:

5. Nourishing Reliance: The sweet spot. This is the joy of leaning on others in ways that strengthen both you and others. Instead of eroding your identity, it enriches it. Instead of shame, it produces gratitude. Nourishing reliance deepens relationships, allows you to flourish, and—perhaps surprisingly—gives others the gift of mattering. It’s less about the current state of your relationships—whether you have a partner or close friends—and more about how you think and feel about depending on others.

If you feel stuck in a toxic dependency with someone, you might want to talk to a trusted friend or therapist to explore whether it’s healthy to step away from the relationship or change the way you engage with this person.

But even then, the answer is not to retreat to hyper-independence. The path forward is to seek out alternative relationships that are life-giving, mutual, and nourishing.

If you practice hyper-independence, caretakerism, or stigmatized dependence, shifting to nourishing reliance requires a mindset change. A good starting point is to ask yourself: Why do I hold back from leaning on others?

1. Is it a fear of owing others favors?

2. Do you view relying on others as a sign of your weakness?

3. Does your commitment to autonomy make dependence feel like a threat?

4. Do you fear bothering others?

5. Are you cynical of others’ motives—worried that leaning on others makes you susceptible to manipulation?

These concerns point to hidden assumptions about ourselves and others—assumptions worth questioning. What if leaning on others isn’t a weakness at all, but a quiet courage? Maybe we need to rethink our distrust of others—what if some people really do want to help without expecting anything in return, simply because they care?

And maybe, at the deepest level, being human means to need and to be needed by others.

The Cost of Saying No

Let’s make this concrete. Imagine you’re moving to a new home. A co-worker—perhaps someone you don’t know very well, but who seems genuinely nice—offers to spend an entire Saturday afternoon helping you with the move.

You politely decline. After all, you hired movers, and you don’t want to trouble them.

But what if your co-worker’s offer wasn’t just about boxes and furniture? What if it was an invitation to friendship, a way of saying, “I’d like to get to know you better”? By saying no, you didn’t just turn down help—you may have missed an opportunity for the start of a meaningful connection.

Now imagine you said yes. You’d not only gain help, but also an opportunity for gratitude, companionship—maybe even friendship. More than that, you’d give your co-worker the profound gift of mattering and maybe even the chance to experience gratitude.

How so? As a gratitude researcher, I’ve read the written entries of hundreds of people who described what they were grateful for. I was struck by the response of a parent who described how intensely grateful they felt when their adult child accepted their offer to help with an important task. This might sound weird. The parent was helping the child. Why did the parent feel grateful?

But it makes sense when you consider that mattering—the feeling of being valued by others and of adding value to their lives—is a fundamental human need, and people feel grateful when this need is met. By allowing others to help us, we’re enabling them to add value to our lives. We’re actually giving them the gift of mattering.

Practicing Nourishing Reliance

Putting this principle into action requires a bit of courage. It means assuming, at least at first, that most people genuinely want to help us without a hidden agenda. Yes, some people will disappoint us. But starting with trust opens the door for growth, connection, and gratitude.

Here are a few ways to practice nourishing reliance:

1. Ask for all kinds of help: Some of us are ok asking for help, but only of a certain type. The help we ask for could be practical (e.g., a ride to the airport), emotional (e.g., sharing a struggle), or informational (e.g., seeking advice). Which comes easiest for you, and where can you lean in more?

2. Accept help even if you don’t think you need it: When someone offers help, don’t be too quick to decline. They may not just want to assist—they may genuinely care about you or want to get to know you better. Saying yes could be the beginning of a deeper connection. Give others the chance to bless you.

3. Accept influence from loved ones: Relationship researcher John Gottman found something striking in mixed-gender marriages: Husbands who were open to their wives’ influence—especially during disagreements—were less likely to divorce. Accepting influence from your loved ones doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It means demonstrating an openness to being influenced. It’s communicating that their opinions matter. And, in intimate relationships, four of the best words you can say are: You have a point.

4. Thank meaningfully: Don’t just say “thank you.” Tell others exactly how they have made a difference in your life. Each time you do so, you’re not only deepening your experience of gratitude, you’re letting them know they’ve truly added value to your life.

The Wisdom of Needing and Being Needed

To be human is to need and to be needed. When we embrace this truth, dependence stops feeling like a flaw and starts feeling like a gift.

At its heart, nourishing reliance isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom. It’s the courage to let others in, the humility to accept care, and the gratitude that flourishes when we realize we were never meant to go it alone.

This post is part of a mini-series on seven principles for living gratefully: the principles of (a) gifts, (b) abundance, (c) precarious goodness, (d) prioritizing goodness, (e) promoting goodness, (f) nourishing reliance, and (g) goodwillism. A version of this post appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.