Grief
What to Expect From Your Grieving Friend This Holiday Season
Spoiler alert: Nothing.
Posted December 2, 2025 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Key points
- Grievers might want the holidays to look totally different, but they might also not want anything to change.
- Follow your friend's lead, and stay flexible.
- It doesn't necessarily get easier with time.
- The most important thing you can do is be present and not have any set expectations.
With Thanksgiving in the rearview mirror, we're officially in Holiday Season, a time that brings not only tinsel, sugary concoctions, and endless other varieties of good cheer, but also – for many of us – anxiety, overwhelm, and even a bit of dread.
It’s not only grievers who might be entering this season with trepidation. A quick sampling of holiday headlines shows the misgivings about the winter holidays are widespread. Articles promising “Tips for Coping With the Holidays,” and “Advice on How to Survive the Holiday Season” are as ubiquitous as recipes for making the perfect egg nog and timetables for how long to roast a turkey. Whatever happened to”Joy to the World”?
But even though ambivalence might be par for the course, I don’t think anyone would argue the fact that this time of year is particularly complicated for grievers.
There are as many nuances to the emotional cocktail grievers might be feeling as there are grievers – which is to say all grief is unique, and it’s impossible to predict exactly what your grieving friend will want or need this holiday season. (It’s also not a guarantee that we can predict how we’ll feel if we’re the one grieving, which I wrote about here.) The good news is there are many ways to support your friend and show up in a meaningful way nonetheless.
For starters, understand that your friend might need to break with tradition.
The year after my daughter died, the very idea of the holidays made my stomach churn. The only way through was to make the holidays look so unrecognizable that the presence of her absence wouldn’t be the only thing that was different. That meant that the first year after she died, we didn’t host Thanksgiving as we’d done every year prior. The next year we moved from a sit-down meal in the living room to a buffet in the kitchen.
Chucking tradition can look small, too. My sister always made the turkey stuffing. Now that she’s gone, I don’t want anyone else to bring stuffing. I’d prefer to forego it altogether than be confronted with this particular reminder that she’s gone. My guests understand that things won’t look like they used to, and they go with the flow.
At the same time, don’t assume your friend will want a single detail to look different.
Grievers might already be feeling like their world is upside down and may well find comfort in a holiday that looks as they expect it to – something to be counted on when all else is in free fall.
Be ready to step in on their behalf, and stay flexible.
They may not want to be in charge of dessert this year, even though that’s their regular assignment. They may show up late, leave early, or not show up at all. So what can you do? Make sure they know it’s okay to change their mind at the last minute. Offer to take their kids on a special holiday outing. Bring the holiday feast to them.
But, again, don’t make any assumptions. Grief is often lonely and isolating, feelings that can intensify over the holidays. Assuming that your friend won’t want to go to the company party or be on dessert duty might make the isolation a tinge worse. Follow your friend’s lead.
Consider ditching the holidays altogether.
Invite your friend on a getaway. Go on a roadtrip. Spend the whole day at the movies – anything that helps your friend not have to deal with the holidays at all. Sometimes escape is the best way through (in the short-term, anyway). Needless to say, this approach depends on your relationship with the griever, as well as what is feasible for you.
Suggest a special ritual in honor of your friend’s loved one.
Maybe you volunteer in their memory. Maybe you share memories while perusing photos. Maybe you do a special candle-lighting ceremony. Maybe you prepare their favorite meal together. It’s not as much about what you do, as it is about creating time and space to honor your friend’s loss.
Don’t expect it to get easier with time.
Year two or three can be surprisingly tough for grievers as the rest of the world returns to normal programming. When the support that’s there in the first year fades and perhaps the shock begins to wear off, the holidays can feel like a horrible reminder for grievers of how much time has passed without their person. The texture may be different but the pain is just as powerful.
In the end, the only way to know what to expect is by continuing to show up for your friend and take their cues. You can’t go wrong by checking in, acknowledging whatever they’re feeling, and staying flexible. The holidays, after all, are about giving, and the best thing you can give the grievers you care about is your time and presence.
