Grieving After a Suicide

During my college years, I worked summers at a family camp in the Sierras for alumni of the University of California. A month into my first summer, I was running on a mountain road, stepped on a sharp rock, and broke a small bone in my foot. It was the first and only time I’ve broken a bone, and I was miserable. I was sent home to recuperate, and couldn't wait to heal and return.

A soft-spoken man, who I’ll call Simon, was hired to fill in for me temporarily. He made the most of his one-month opportunity by falling in love with a pretty, dark-haired staffer I’ll call Kathy. A few years later, they married.

I wasn't close to Simon or Kathy, and wasn’t invited to their wedding. Nevertheless, when our paths crossed several months later, they thanked me for bringing them together.

“After all,” Kathy said, “if you hadn't hurt your foot, Simon and I might not have met.”

Since they were happy and in love, it seemed okay for me to take a little of the credit.

Soon after that, I lost track of Simon and Kathy. Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, I held onto the belief that they were still together, still happy, and this made me happy, too.

Years later, I learned by chance the real story. They divorced long ago after having a daughter. More recently, Simon killed himself.

For weeks after hearing this, I reviewed my role in their misfortune. If only I hadn't broken my foot, I thought. Simon might be alive today. Kathy might not be a widow. A little girl might not be growing up with the pain of her father’s suicide.

It’s easy to say that there was little reason for me to think this way. After all, I barely knew Simon or Kathy. I didn't make them fall in love, or out of love, or cause anything that followed. Still, I felt guilty.

The experience helped me better understand the feelings of people who have lost a loved one to suicide. The self-recriminations—on top of the grief—can be overwhelming. The only thing that really helps is talking with someone who's been there, who knows and cares and isn't afraid to say that beating yourself up—as natural as that might seem—accomplishes nothing.

I wish it was as easy for people to heal from grief as from a broken bone. I also wish, sometimes, that it was as easy to get rid of guilt as it is to assume it.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.