Am I Grieving?

Am I grieving?

You might be surprised how many times in my grief counseling I am asked that question. Yet it really derives from a view, sometimes supported by those in the therapeutic community, that grief is solely defined by feelings of sadness and an outpouring of tears. Even many a dictionary defines grief as “a great sadness.”

Nothing could be more wrong.

Grief is actually a reaction to a loss. This reaction can take many forms. Naturally, it can be, and often is, experienced emotionally. And even here we can experience a range of emotions—sadness, anger, yearning, guilt, gratitude, relief—to name just a few.

Grief can also affect the ways we physically feel—perhaps resulting in varied aches and pains. It can affect us cognitively, leading to a sense of disorientation, depersonalization, or confusion. Grief can influence behaviors. We may become lethargic or manic—constantly busy as we try to deflect our grief. Others may avoid or seek reminders of the loved one, now lost. Even our spirituality can be challenged or engaged as we try to understand the loss.

The point is that grief is far more than simply sadness.

It was a point that I explored with my client Sara. Sara came to me after the death of her mother—a woman she had cared for for over five years as the mother descended into dementia. Sara judged herself harshly—noting that she had not cried at her beloved mom’s funeral.

When we explored Sara’s reactions, she ashamedly responded that she felt relief that both her mother’s and her suffering were now over. In our conversations, she was able to understand that the relief and guilt she shared was, in fact, her manifestations of grief,

In other cases, it may be a reflection of grieving patterns or style. Some of us are what Terry Martin and I have called “intuitive grievers”—that is, their experience and expression of grief focus on feeling. On the other end of this continuum of reactions are instrumental; grievers who experience and express grief in more physical, cognitive, or behavioral ways.

Another client, Antonio, was an instrumental griever. Concerned about his lack of grief, he sought counseling. As we spoke, he noted that after his son—a policeman killed in the line of duty—died, he organized an annual run to raise money to support grieving families of police officers. Antonio was relieved to learn that this was a component of his grief reaction—indeed, it was just the very active way that he grieved.

Still others are resilient grievers who often bounce back quickly after a loss. Resilient grievers often experienced fewer losses—and often these losses were neither sudden nor traumatic, allowing time to say goodbye. Personal qualities also helped build resilience. These resilient grievers often had an intrinsic spirituality, however they defined it. And they tended to have good psychological health.

But there were other factors that we can learn from them that helped build and sustain their resilience. Resilient grievers believed that even in the worst situations, they could emerge even stronger. They accepted grief as a challenge and focused on positive members of the deceased.

This merely reinforces the very individual nature of grief. But be assured: If you are asking whether you are grieving, you probably are—but in your way.