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Grief

Should We Celebrate Funerals?

Understanding that funerals can celebrate life—but they also must mourn a death.

One of the recent trends in the funeral industry is to rebrand funerals as a “celebration of life.” The thought is to move away from the notion that funerals should be sad events—and that rather than focusing only on the death, a funeral should highlight the contributions and legacies left by the deceased. Funerals, such adherents assert, should be uplifting—even celebratory.

There is nothing wrong with highlighting the legacies of the deceased. Funerals do offer opportunities to share memories and recount events from the life of the deceased. In some cultures, funerals are viewed as homecomings—spiritual events where mourners see the funeral as a rite of passage to the afterlife. That, too, is legitimate, as funerals offer an occasion to address the ways that mourners' spiritual beliefs offer comfort—reminding mourners of the ways their spirituality speaks to their loss.

Yet while these themes have a legitimate role in a funeral, it is equally important—perhaps even more important—to acknowledge and mourn a death. The problem is that if the only focus of the funeral is on celebrating this life—or an entry into a next life—we deny and disenfranchise the legitimate grief that mourners experience. Someone loved has died. Whatever comfort offered by the nature of the life and legacies of the deceased—or the beliefs of an afterlife, however defined—does not change that in funerals, mourners gather to say goodbye to someone we loved.

One of the more current and popular models of grief is called the “Dual-Process Model of Grief” proposed by two researchers from the Netherlands—Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. This model suggests that grieving individuals need to oscillate (or move between) two distinct processes of mourning. One of the processes is dealing with the grief associated with loss. The other is adjusting to a life now changed by the loss. Stroebe and Schut note that focusing solely on mourning can lead to prolonged or chronic grief. Yet a focus only on adjusting to one's new life can deny or delay grief.

Drawing from this model, one can see that funerals too have a dual process—both to mourn a death and celebrate a life lived. To only celebrate a life leads to a denial of death and a disenfranchisement of grief.

I recall one funeral where the presiding clergyman actually admonished the mourners for crying—emphasizing that the deceased was going home to a better place. And as the service ended, he reminded the deceased’s young son of that fact. The boy simply and wisely responded, “I know Pastor, but I miss him here."

Yet, on the other hand, to simply and solely focus on the death leads to a funeral devoid of hope and the legacies left unacknowledged. It can only depress.

The most effective funerals acknowledge that dual process. We need to mourn and celebrate both this life and whatever one believes follows—whether an afterlife, reincarnation, or simply the memories and legacies left by a life now ended.

Both of my parents’ funerals followed that dual process. We mourned and celebrated. After the funeral service, we reconvened at a local restaurant. We shared stories and memories—crying and laughing mixed together. We acknowledged the gifts they left their children—faith, resilience, and the joy of family even as we mourned their passing. It was the funeral that I would hope to have.

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