“I expected to feel lonely once Margarita died. After all, there would be times, like when we would watch television or eat that I knew I would miss her. I just did not expect that everyone—kids and friends—would desert me.” Chris, a new widower, shared these feelings about eight months after his wife Margarita died. I wasn’t surprised by his reactions; it is a reaction often shared within grief, particularly by widowers.
Yet it is not always an easy one to answer. Chris was right that there is a difference between being lonely—a feeling we often have to cope with in loss and being alone—when others seem to disappear from our life.
Here we have to think about the reasons that others may seemingly be absent. In some cases, it can be their own discomfort. They do not know what to say or what to do. They do not have the words to comfort and then seek to avoid.
In other cases, it may be difficult to fit into a world of pairs when we are no longer a couple. Sometimes it can be our discomfort—others times the discomfort of couples who may not know how—or even if—to reach out to the newly widowed person, once part of their circle.
In still other cases, one partner, often the wife, is “keepers of the kin” and “calendar creators.” By that, I mean that one of the roles they assume is sort of a social secretary—inviting the adult children to dinner and planning events with neighbors and friends. When that person dies, the role is unfulfilled and the spouse wonders why the children never visit and why friends rarely seem to socialize.
Finally, we may be giving our own message—perhaps one that says “keep away.” My uncle was like that when his wife. He seemed to lack the social skills, or telephone etiquette when others caringly called. He was not simply used to answering the phone. He would often greet calls with a response that he was falling asleep, using the bathroom, or in the middle of some task. Soon the phone ceased to ring.
In cases of a long illness, we may have been so consumed by caregiving, that other relationships fell by the wayside. We may need to "rewire" or re-establish and rebuild those connections.
If we are feeling deserted, the first thing to do is to consider why we may be coping with such experiences. Are we open to invitations? Do we ever extend them or do we passively wait for others? How do we respond to others?
We may wish to speak with friends and family—expressing our feelings and confronting our needs. They more offer insights and perhaps be more sensitive to our needs in the future.
Perhaps we can take more initiatives—inviting others and creating opportunities to socialize. Not only may these ease feeling of being alone but it gives a message that we are open to socializing.
Finally, in some cases, we may need to acknowledge that our friends may not be able to cope with our new situation. Here we may find new networks of support—perhaps in our places of worship, work, varied clubs, or even in grief groups where we may meet others who too are struggling with loss.
