Are Sleepovers Dangerous?

Many major media outlets—as well as lots of other information sources for parents—have been covering the dangers of kids having sleepovers, with reports from parents and experts who describe sleepovers as “dangerous,” “harmful,” “unhealthy,” and even “traumatic.”

I think of sleepovers as inherently beneficial for kids, but I also respect these concerns. Here’s a quick summary of some of the benefits and concerns, and some recommendations for parents as they consider saying yes to a sleepover.

Sleepover Benefits

1. Social development. Sleepovers provide opportunities for children to learn about social interactions in more relaxed, informal, and meaningful ways than most kids experience in their busy daily lives.
2. Ample time for unstructured play. There’s strong evidence that "unstructured play...is a fundamental necessity for children to thrive physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially.”
3. Friendship-building. Friendships get a chance to deepen and develop in the longer, unstructured hours of a sleepover.
4. Fun. A sleepover can be a lot of fun. Critics are right that unsupervised nighttime activities feel different than the supervised daytime activities kids’ lives are full of. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
5. Creativity. Ample time for thinking about what’s next is an essential part of any creative process, and too often missing from kids’ lives today.
6. Independence. By sleeping at a friend’s house, your child is gaining independence. Also, by learning more about how other families live, your child is gaining information about how they want to live their life when the time comes to establish their own household.
7. Expanding the world. Sleepovers are a great way for your child to experience other ways of being, thereby making their own world bigger. When you say “no” to all sleepovers, you’re restricting your child’s knowledge and understanding, and tacitly telling them that other people aren’t to be trusted.
8. Life lesson. Hosting a sleepover gives you a chance to help your child learn how to be a gracious host and learn about the pleasures of generosity.

Sleepover Concerns

1. Sexual abuse. In reviewing the coverage of sleepovers, sexual abuse seems to be the biggest worry by far, and the concern leading most frequently to recommendations to prohibit sleepovers altogether. The reasoning seems to be that when your child is in another family’s home, you can’t protect them from being abused by an adult or another child, including visiting friends and relatives.
2. Social media bullying. Kids can take advantage of opportunities to watch private activities like other kids getting undressed and share photos or reports via social media.
3. Bullying. Whenever there are more than two kids in a gathering, there’s a chance that one of the children will be targeted for rejection or bullying.
4. Nighttime misbehavior. When kids get together and have lots of free time in the dark, who knows what mischief they’ll get up to? They might raid the pantry or the alcohol cupboard, they might harass siblings, maybe they’ll make a great mess or leave the water running.
5. Family privacy. Cultures vary in their openness to strangers spending time in their home. Also, some parents worry that their home is inadequate in some way—maybe it’s too small or messy or noisy—and they don’t want their child to be judged or ridiculed.
6. Insufficient sleep. You can pretty well guarantee your child won’t get a full night’s sleep if they host or attend a sleepover.
7. Inconvenience. Hosting a sleepover brings an added burden of activity and responsibility that busy parents may not want to take on.

Sleepover Solutions

1. Age/maturity. I take the sexual abuse concerns seriously, but rather than prohibiting sleepovers, I recommend that parents teach their kids to respect the privacy of each person’s private parts, including their own. If you feel your child is too susceptible to peer or adult pressure, perhaps they’re not mature enough yet for a sleepover. And perhaps it’s time for you to help them get there.
2. Available rescue contact. If your child is attending a sleepover, they should have a way to contact you if they have any concerns. They need to know that you are available to pick them up and take them home if they want that for any reason.
3. Adult supervision. Whether your child is hosting or attending a sleepover, they need responsible adult supervision. Someone trustworthy needs to be paying attention to what’s going on with the kids, without being intrusive.
4. Number of kids. The fewer the kids, the easier the sleepover is to manage and keep safe. I don’t think I’d be happy with more than four kids (including the host) at a sleepover.
5. Single sex. It’s probably easier to keep kids safe from unwanted sexual activity if you keep sleepovers to single sex. It’s a judgment call, obviously, and judgment is your job as a parent.
6. Social media restrictions. It strikes me as asking for trouble if kids have access to social media during a sleepover. They need to be able to reach out to their parents if they want to say goodnight or ask to be taken home, but otherwise, I think the host parents should probably be responsible for holding all electronic devices during the sleepover.
7. Planning for your convenience. You want to host sleepovers at low-stress times, considering health, activities, professional obligations, etc. Ideally, you’re in a good space for welcoming other children into your home and including them in your family life in one way or another.

There’s an enormous diversity across children and families, and you’re responsible for figuring out what’s best for you and your child. In general, though, I think that for most kids, sleepovers have more benefits than drawbacks, as long as they’re well supervised.