It’s Time to Stop Arguing With Yourself

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A woman complains about hostile treatment at work. In response, she is told that the problem lies with her—that she has a chip on her shoulder and gets offended too easily.

She worries that this is true—that her complaints are not real, but only reflect her own shortcomings. “I just turn it inwards: Is it me, is it my fault? I lie awake at night thinking, is it actually a problem with me here?”

This quote, from feminist scholar Sara Ahmed’s 2021 book Complaint!, illustrates the concept of “internalized invalidation” or, less formally, “self-gaslighting.”

External invalidation, which comes from other people, can take many forms. The people invalidating you may say that you’re too sensitive, dramatic, attention-seeking. You’re misinterpreting, misunderstanding, reading in problems that don’t exist. You’re playing the race card, playing the gender card, making it all about your disability.

These are all different ways of saying the same thing: Your perception is wrong, and therefore your concerns do not matter.

Internalized invalidation, or self-gaslighting, happens when you’ve heard these dismissals over and over from others, and begin applying them to your own perceptions and concerns. Internally, it feels like arguing with yourself:

“I’m upset.” But I shouldn’t be upset. Yes, someone made a comment to me that I perceived as dismissive, but they probably didn’t mean it that way. I’m being too sensitive.

“I feel disrespected.” How silly. A little blow to my ego is not a real problem. I just need to get over it.

After this self-argument, rather than trying to resolve your problem, you may smile and pretend everything is fine. Over time, smiling and pretending everything is fine wears you down, and your problems persist.

How to Stop Gaslighting Yourself

Try the following steps to stop arguing with yourself and start taking your own perceptions and concerns seriously.

1. Recognize that you’re self-gaslighting. When you hear those two battling voices in your head—one saying “I feel upset” and the other saying “Stop feeling that way”—notice that you are invalidating your own feelings.
2. Take a moment to experience your emotions without judging or analyzing them. Is there tightness in your body or a shift in your breathing? Are you sad, angry, or distressed? Focus entirely on your emotions without thinking about why you feel that way or whether you should feel that way. This will help you disrupt the chain of thoughts that lead you to question your version of what happened. Your feelings are real regardless of what happened.
3. Remind yourself that your needs and concerns are valid. If self-gaslighting is a recurring pattern for you, it’s also helpful to remind yourself that you are aware of the pattern and are actively working to break it.
4. Seek outside perspective. Talking to a friend or trusted advisor can provide enough distance for you to see the problem (and your reaction to it) more clearly. If you can’t find someone to talk to, imagine what you would say to a friend in this situation—you may be kinder to your friend than to yourself.

It’s hard enough when others dismiss your needs and concerns, instead of validating and supporting you. Doing it to yourself can make you doubt your grip on reality.

Look out for moments of internalized invalidation, when you’re telling yourself that your perceptions must be wrong or that you should ignore negative feelings. In these moments, stop. Take a breath. Remember that your feelings and needs matter.