Why Affairs Don't Usually Make Cheaters Happier

Very few great songs are written about affairs. Which is strange, as affairs are common: one in five married men cheat on their wives.

History is littered with dramatic examples of leaders leaving their families for younger, more exciting versions of their wives. Henry VIII, Napolean Bonaparte, King Edward VII: affair after affair by powerful men who let their libido distract them from their responsibilities to their countries and spouses.

American Presidents have had their heads turned, too—and not just the obvious ones. George Washington reminisced to Sally Fairfax about “those happy moments, the happiest in my life, which I have enjoyed in your company.” Warren Harding was a terrible president and a terrible husband. Unable to control himself (or “Jerry,” the moniker he gave his penis) when faced with a flirtatious young constituent, Harding developed a relationship with her that involved regular visits to the White House and sex in the Presidential closet.

Women have their heads turned, too, of course. Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefe, and Cleopatra are all examples of women who strayed.

And we don’t have to go far back in history to find examples of seemingly intelligent public figures buying into the lie that the grass is likely greener elsewhere. The Greek Prime Minister Andreas Papandreou was a public supporter of women’s rights, and he decriminalised adultery. However, he used his powers for his own personal advantage—to escape his 38-year marriage. After years of rumour in Greece, he divorced Margaret Chant-Papandreou to be with Dimitra Liani, 37 years his junior. In his will, he left everything to Liani and nothing to his four children with his ex-wife.

Affairs Make Us Unhappy

Some affairs lead to life-long happiness; most don’t. Fewer than 10 percent of unfaithful spouses marry their affair partner and 75 percent of those marriages fail. Of course they do; you’re simply swapping one set of frustrations and problems for a new one. No one will meet all your needs or make you endlessly happy and entertained and sexually satisfied.

Famous examples include Arnold Schwarzenegger, who “feel[s] bad about” cheating on Maria Shriver, and regrets his actions, especially for how they impacted on his family. Boris Becker’s dalliance in a broom closet cost him $27 million. Jay-Z wishes he hadn’t cheated on Beyoncé. English footballer Kyle Walker regrets his affair and betraying his “soulmate and best friend,” Annie Kilner.

It’s not just Presidents and celebrities who go crazy thinking there are better options out there. Consider Stephen Searle, who murdered his wife Anne in 2017, after he had an affair with their son's partner. One compilation of stories from men who had affairs includes tale after tale of men who regret their actions. One said, “I wish I could take it all back... My life has been pretty bad since then. The hurt is still there...it never goes away, nor does the guilt I feel." Another, who slept with his best friend’s wife, said, “It was the biggest mistake of my life. I hurt my wife and lost my best friend at the same time.”

Why We Get Tempted

We’re tempted because we’re human. Three universal biases drive us towards unhappiness and temptation:

1. Hedonic adaptation. This is a fancy way of saying we think we’re going to be happy when we meet that new partner, but any momentary boost to our well-being reverts to the norm over time.

2. Boredom. We would literally rather give ourselves an electric shock than sit in a boring room with our own thoughts. Affairs, by contrast, are exciting.

3. Negativity bias. We’re more likely to recall unhappy moments in our childhood, even if we were generally happy. And we’re more likely to ruminate on negative aspects of our life than positive ones, reinforcing the idea that “something is wrong” and we need to change it.

Long-term relationships are tough to survive, given such biases. They involve inevitable boredom and frustration. It’s hard to maintain creativity and spark when raising kids and doing the laundry. It’s difficult to find ways to feel excited about our partners when we’ve seen them every day for decades. So inevitably, we look outside our relationships for fun, excitement, something new. We tell ourselves the lie that we’ll be happy if we find that one thing our partner can’t give us.

But affairs often lead to divorce, even when they’re not admitted or discussed. The highest divorce rate—80 percent—involves marriages where there is a secret affair. And divorce is generally terrible for everyone involved. The advice from one of the U.K.’s top divorce lawyers to struggling couples? “Don’t get divorced.” That’s not just because of the cost. Divorce complicates your social life, your family life, and your financial life so much that it should only ever be the last option. About one-third of people regret going through with it.

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Avoiding Temptation

So, what should you do if you find yourself tempted by someone new?

• Consider your biases. Relationships change. Of course, it can’t be the same as it was when you first met; it shouldn’t be. Consider more objectively what they offer you now: security, a shared history, deep love and connection, perhaps. Those things are real and important and not easily replicated with someone new.
• If there are problems in your relationship, talk with your partner, ask for the changes you want, and get couples therapy before you let your head get turned too far.
• Think about what your temptation is communicating to you. Maybe you need more excitement and creativity in your life; maybe you’re feeling stale. Find other ways of getting those feelings rather than cheating. Some answers might even involve your current partner.
• Remind yourself that affairs generally lead to messy, costly divorce – and unhappy future marriages.

In short, the chances are, the relationship you’re in is just as good, if not better, than any affair. The grass isn’t likely to be greener. It’s likely to be less lush and more frayed than you initially thought. It’s usually better to tend to the garden you have, and cultivate it the best you can.

Facebook image: B-D-S Piotr Marcinski/Shutterstock