Bite Your Tongue: When to Stay Quiet in Your Relationship

Contrary to most of the advice out there, it’s not always constructive to talk about your relationship. Some conversations do more harm than good. And the conversations you need to have probably aren’t happening at the times and in the ways that will help. Sometimes, it’s better to bite your tongue, or at least wait for a better opportunity.

Here’s why.

Imagine a workplace where every small problem is pored over. You spend meeting after meeting focusing on a multitude of issues that might or might not be contributing to poor performance. Managers can’t identify the signal from the noise. No one knows what the priorities are or which levers to pull. It’s just talk, talk, talk, and no action. Everyone goes 'round in circles, pointing at things and moaning. Meanwhile, things get worse, and morale drops like a stone. People start to look for new jobs elsewhere.

Why should relationships be any different? Relationships suffer when there is too much moaning and not enough gratitude. They suffer when there is insufficient focus on the day-to-day action that keeps you happy: the quality of your connection, the depth of your conversations, the regularity of your sex life.

Bank accounts, and the right time to attempt a “withdrawal”

Most conversations about the relationship start with a problem. Someone’s feelings got hurt. Someone’s feeling invalidated. But the difference between happy and unhappy couples is that, for every negative comment during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has at least five positive comments. Think of it like a bank account: you have to top up your partner’s positive feelings about you and the relationship before you attempt a “withdrawal” of focusing on a problem.

This is not a clarion call for ignoring issues or problems in a relationship. Some conversations are vital: real problems that are buried re-surface. But those conversations require emotional maturity, skill, and patience to be productive. Nine times out of ten, that won’t be the case. You’ll be too tired, too hungry, too stressed, too upset. It might be better to wait until you’re both rested and willing before you lean into a difficult chat.

Then there are also those conversations that aren’t helpful. The petty squabbles, the unnecessary blame that replaces disappointment, the picking at personality quirks. They do more harm than good.

What to do instead

1. Question your intentions and beliefs. You intend to talk about your feelings, but why? What’s to be gained? Is there really a relationship problem, or is this just an opportunity to criticise? Do you have a genuine intention to find a solution, or are you looking to moan? A lot of people tell themselves a self-deluding story: that talking about their feelings helps their partner understand them better. If your partner has upset you, especially if it’s a repeat offence, of course you’re within your rights to let them know. But make sure you’re not just taking out your general disappointment and frustration on them.
2. Give it time. Most of your feelings are temporary. Chances are, though, given a few more hours or days, your partner will reveal themselves to be the person you fell in love with rather than the one you find temporarily irritating. Some problems, even relatively small ones, are best dealt with in the here and now. If your partner repeats an action or a pattern that hurts, of course raise that with them and ask for more. But don’t fall into the trap of thinking that all your temporary big feelings signal permanent big problems.
3. Prioritise actions over talking. Take responsibility for the shift you want to see. If you’re not having enough sex, initiate more rather than moaning. If the romance needs a boost, buy your partner flowers, comment on their lovely appearance, ask them out on a date. You don’t always have to talk about your needs; you can take responsibility for meeting them. If that doesn’t get the response you want, then a conversation might be the best next step.
4. Ask for what you want. You can solve problems in the relationship without talking about them as if they’re due to a fault in your partner. Go to them with a proposed solution and ask for their help. That’s more likely to get you what you want than protesting that your partner isn’t giving you what you need. Just ask. See what happens. You might not need a conversation about it.
5. Accept that some of your needs aren’t going to be met by the relationship. For example, your partner is more of an introvert than you. That’s part of what you love about them. But it means they’re not going to want to go to as many parties as you. There might be room for compromise there, but chances are, you’re going to have to find a way to live with - and cherish - the reality of who they are, rather than wish them to be someone they’re not. Be careful about having lots of conversations about how they’re not the perfect partner you imagine in your mind. That person doesn’t exist.

Summary

Too many couples bury resentments and frustrations. Talking often helps unearth problems and moves you towards possible solutions and compromises. But all too often, it reinforces an image of the relationship as problematic and leaves you and your partner feeling angry, upset, and defensive—the opposite of a good connection.

Instead, question when and why you’re talking together about your relationship. If in doubt, bite your tongue for a few days and see if you feel the same way, and always have an eye on moving forward rather than repeating resentments, especially if those resentments are based on your partner’s personality rather than their behaviour. And don’t forget to top up the relationship bank account with positive comments and actions along the way.