Just Do It: Sex Can Be Vital in a Long-Term Relationship

What are the secrets to having a good, long-term relationship that’ll last, even after kids? Communication, trust and respect are key. But having sex regularly may be as important.

Sex is great. It’s good for you, too. Research suggests that having sex regularly increases your affection for your partner. This makes sense; sex is often a communication of love, attraction, desire, and connection. On a purely physical level, sex releases endorphins and oxytocin that help us bond. It’s not just about intimacy and connection, though; sometimes it's just fun or impulsive.

But let’s get real: When the body gets flabbier and looser, and the responsibilities of work and family life pile up, you may be less likely to want to tear your clothes off your partner than you were in those early days (and nights). And sometimes life gets in the way for a bit, and once that big work project has finished, you’ll get back to it. That’s perfectly normal. But many couples live in sexless relationships. According to one study, 15% of couples hadn’t had sex during the previous year, and slightly fewer hadn’t had it for five years.

Is this a problem? For a small minority, no. Some couples seem to find a way to remain satisfied, to varying degrees, with other ways of showing physical affection, like hugs, holding hands, and kissing. But for the others, sexless relationships are a problem. One study of the “involuntary celibate” found frequently reported feelings of frustration, depression, and rejection. People cope without sex: They masturbate, find other outlets for their energies, and focus on their partner’s other qualities. Strictly speaking, no one needs sex. But do you want to cope in your relationship, or thrive?

Even if you’re not in a sexless relationship, you may not be getting as much as you want. The average couple over 40 has sex only two or three times a month; those with kids have it even less frequently. You don’t need to be doing it every night, of course, but research suggests that somewhat regular sex is crucial to happiness. Relationship satisfaction improves progressively when couples go from having no sex to having sex once a week. One study showed that having sex once a week rather than once a month gave a jolt of happiness equivalent to having an extra $50,000 in the bank. That’s a lot of happiness (and a lot of fun).

The big sex lie

The lie often told about sex in relationships is that it’s always about love and connection and intimacy. It’s not. Sometimes, you go to an expensive restaurant with your partner, take your time, and drink the bottle of wine from the bottom end of the list. But other nights, you share a pizza from the bottom of the freezer. Sex is no different. Sometimes, it’s relationship fuel; it gets you both through the week. And you don’t always need to be “in the mood.” Sex doesn’t have to be novel and exciting every time; in a long-term relationship, it probably won't be. If you’re waiting for desire to kick in at the end of a long day of work after having finally put the kids to bed, you’ll be waiting a long while. Chances are, even if you aren’t completely up for it when you start, you’ll have fun and be glad you bothered by the end. Within a relationship, both partners, within reason, sometimes do things they don't really want to do. It could be dinner with the in-laws; going to a partner's after-work team drinks meetup; and, yes, sometimes sex. No one should have non-consensual sex, but partners may decide to consent to sex even when their heart’s not completely in it (at least at the start).

All that said, don’t make the desire to have sex harder than it needs to be. Think twice before, say, sharing a toothbrush, leaving the toilet door open, or talking too much about your digestion; in other words, maintain a little mystery, along with time alone and separate hobbies and interests that you can bring back to the relationship.

If you’re one of the 5 to 15% of men over 40 who suffers from erectile dysfunction, consider that more than 8 out of 10 such men get improved erections via medication. If you’re a couple struggling to enjoy sex, or have very different levels of sexual desire while getting along well in all other respects, consider getting some help from a good therapist. You owe it to the relationship, and your partner, to explore solutions. Sometimes the problems are physical and you need an appointment with a GP—don’t worry; they’ve seen it all before—and other times, the issues are more psychological in nature.

The bottom line

Sex matters. Don’t pretend it doesn’t. If you’re not having as much sex as you want, talk to your partner about it. Don’t ignore it; it won't magically get better when you’re less busy at work, or when the kids start school, or whatever else you are telling yourself.