For Gen X Relationships, It’s the Model, Not the Marriage

As the “middle child” of generations, it's not a huge surprise that Gen X has relationship challenges. Gen Xers’ formative years were rife with sweeping political, social, cultural, and financial changes. They were raised in the 1970s and '80s, a time of dramatic shifts in gender equity (e.g., greater access to higher education, the Pill, and sexual harassment protections), and watched their parents suffer through multiple economic crises. In addition, their mothers entered the full-time workforce at unprecedented rates, and their fathers faced a new reality: They could no longer reliably be the sole breadwinner.

Gen X’s parents divorced at the highest rates the country has ever seen; even if they didn’t, the fear that they might was ever present. An increasing prevalence of only one parent in the house at any time and a dearth of childcare ensured the “latchkey” approach stayed the norm throughout their childhood. Some say Gen X is the least supervised generation to date, and for most members of this generation, finding their way through the world was a highly independent endeavor.

As adults, they entered a work culture that was resistant to changing its “total commitment” model of employment, which heavily depended on having an at-home partner to handle all domestic duties. At the same time, the professional world was adapting to rapid technological advances. The internet and smartphones made work possible anywhere and gave bosses 24/7 access to employees. Rather than making work more efficient (as was promised), tech exacerbated the expectation of nonstop engagement as the price for career advancement or, often, keeping a job.

Together, this collection of sociocultural forces shaped this generation’s ideological development. At the same time, unbeknownst to Gen Xers, they also made the relationship template Gen X grew up with outdated and unworkable for their future lives.

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Old Relationship Paths Are Gone, but Where Are the New Ones?

Gen X became unwitting pioneers of uncharted relationship territory. The expansion of women’s rights and gender roles led to a generational expectation that marriage should be egalitarian—a partnership of equals where earning, household labor, and childrearing are shared. However, they found themselves living in a world where they were expected to give more than generations before them in every area of life—work, relationships, and family—while the support systems around them offered less. With virtually zero models of what a truly egalitarian marriage looks like in practice, Gen Xers found they were ill-equipped for the pressures it created.

Gen Xers are now fully in midlife. It’s no surprise that for many, life consistently feels stressful and chaotic, given that they are smack in the middle of the caregiving “sandwich” (caring for children and aging parents at the same time) and financial strain, making retirement nowhere in sight.

Gen Xers didn’t just absorb a set of cultural messages growing up—they carried these messages into their relationships without ever being told the messages themselves were the problem.

It’s Not You, It’s the Culture

One of the first things that prompted me to begin researching Gen X couples was an uncanny similarity in the way the Gen X couples, who had never met, described their experiences—even down to the language they used. While none of them were 100 percent interchangeable, the Venn diagram of their stories had significant overlap. I realized that if they were experiencing so many of the same things, then no individual person or couple could be the sole source of the problem.

Gen X relationships, and the people in them, aren’t—and never were—broken, but the model they inherited was. Our culture and society set them up to struggle. They were raised on the notion that the world was theirs for the taking. Gen X men just needed to earn money and step up their parenting game, while Gen X women needed to “do it all” so they could “have it all.” None of them were supposed to need anyone or anything, and no one taught them how to be full, equal partners. The result was burned-out women and lonely men, and relationships in desperate need of creative redesign.

Knowing this can help Gen Xers move away from self-blame and partner blame and stay connected to the bigger picture.

In midlife, with everything that Gen X is currently up against, dealing with relationship issues—especially those that are longstanding and/or for which there seems to be no solution—can feel like a slog that most simply don’t have time or energy for. While I deeply empathize with that, I can’t ignore what I know to be true as a therapist: The quality of one’s relationships will be the biggest predictor of their overall well-being in the remainder of their life.

This means it’s necessary to address relationship issues, but for Gen X, it’s critical that it be done in a way that suits their specific needs. This means dismantling the relationship blueprint they were given and forging their own paths ahead. This could mean:

• Getting divorced
• Staying together
• Opening up the marriage
• Focusing on yourself
• Something else altogether

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There is no better or worse path for a Gen X couple to follow. What’s most important is that it is intentional and designed specifically to serve the people in the relationship, and not the expectations of the culture around them. The good news for Gen X is that their rebellious spirit makes them uniquely positioned to lead the charge on revising old relationship scripts for themselves and those who come after.