Self-Help
What Does It Really Mean to "Work on Yourself?"
Practical steps to improve your mental health.
Posted May 9, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
We’ve all heard someone say, “I just want to work on myself right now.”
Often, it’s said when stress, dissatisfaction, or the realization of long-ignored well-being begins to weigh heavily. But what does that really mean, and where do you begin? Self-improvement can feel overwhelming, especially when the steps to take are unclear or the concept itself feels vague.
Understanding the Call to "Work on Yourself"
The desire to work on yourself usually stems from a deeper sense that something’s not right—burnout, disconnection, or a lingering awareness that you're not showing up as your best self. And while therapy, self-help books, or even a vacation might help, real change comes from establishing a deeper, more intentional relationship with yourself.
This kind of work requires you to get honest about where you are and what needs attention. It means acknowledging the areas in your life that feel out of alignment and choosing to engage with them, not out of guilt, but with curiosity and care.
The Relationship Analogy: Improving Your Relationship with You
Think of this as similar to improving a close relationship. If you and a friend or partner are trying to grow together, you make time for one another. You talk honestly. You define shared goals. And most importantly, you commit to showing up consistently.
The same is true in your relationship with yourself. If the goals are unclear or you’re not invested in the process, growth will feel scattered or even unattainable. But when you’re willing to be alone with yourself, reflect more deeply, and show up regularly, real and lasting change can happen. Unity and clarity matter here just as they do in any partnership.
Where to Start: Small Steps with Big Impact
Start with Awareness
Begin by simply noticing. Are you feeling overwhelmed, reactive, numb, or disconnected? What’s draining you right now? What patterns keep repeating?
The Feel Wheel is a fantastic resource to help you identify your feelings and notice patterns.
Think of this as collecting data on yourself, not with judgment, but with curiosity. This could look like going on a walk without a podcast or playlist and seeing what thoughts arise. For many, quiet moments can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to constant stimulation. But over time, these pauses help you build resilience, self-soothe, and understand how your current environment is impacting your thoughts and emotions.
Even repetitive, mundane moments—brushing your teeth, waiting in line, walking to your car—can be invitations to check in. Start using these moments as mini reset points: opportunities to breathe, reconnect, and tune into how you’re really doing.
Set Boundaries with Yourself
Boundaries aren’t just something you set with other people. Learning to set boundaries with yourself, especially around energy, time, and attention, is essential to mental wellness.
Start small. Choose one area you'd like to improve, and create a daily, manageable goal. This might be reading for ten minutes instead of scrolling, or taking two minutes in the morning to ground yourself before checking your phone. The goal isn’t rigidity. It’s a commitment to honoring your worth and starting to shift how you prioritize your own needs.
Practice Mindfulness in Real Life
Mindfulness doesn’t have to mean long meditation sessions. You can practice presence while doing everyday activities: walking, washing dishes, breathing at a red light. These brief pauses give your nervous system a break and help disrupt the loop of overthinking or self-doubt. They also help you become more intentional in how you respond, rather than react, to what life brings.
Notice and Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. Often, the brain tries to fill in emotional gaps by assuming blame or fixating on perceived shortcomings. But these thoughts are rarely accurate and even less often, helpful.
When you catch yourself spiraling into negative self-talk, pause and ask: Would I say this to someone I love?
Start practicing fairness in your internal dialogue. You deserve that.
Redefine Self-Care
True self-care isn't about indulgence, it’s about intentional recovery. It’s how you nourish your mind, body, and soul in ways that are meaningful to you.
I often suggest keeping a list of go-to practices for different energy levels and emotional states. This allows you to meet yourself where you are, without pressure to perform or “do it right.” Self-care can be as simple as stepping outside, calling a friend, journaling, or listening to what your mind or body is craving.
Reach Out—and Be Clear
Just like you’d lean on someone in a tough season, working on yourself often requires support. Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, or simply talking with a trusted friend, connection is key.
So is clarity—people can’t meet needs they don’t know about. Don’t assume others should “just know.” Communicate. It helps you feel seen and gives others the opportunity to show up.
Working on Yourself Is a Relationship, Not a Project
This work isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. You will have good days and hard ones. You’ll make progress and then feel like you’re back at the beginning. But the real success is in choosing to come back to yourself, again and again.
The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for everything else in your life. Prioritize it. Nurture it. Be consistent, even if it’s in small ways.
Because when you begin to show up for yourself with the same intention, grace, and honesty you’d offer a loved one, things start to shift—not just in your mental health, but in how you experience the world.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
