Diagnose and Ditch: How Misused Labels Are Hurting Our Relationships

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I’ve noticed a growing trend in conversations about relationships—one that feels less like self-awareness and more like a convenient escape hatch. Instead of working through conflict, people are slapping a label on someone—“narcissist,” “toxic,” “emotionally unavailable”—and using that as justification to cut ties. Ghosting has been repackaged as self-care, and difficult conversations are being bypassed in favor of psychological jargon.

At first glance, this seems like a sign of progress. We’re more educated about mental health than ever, right? But in reality, it’s creating a dangerous shortcut—one that lets us avoid accountability for our own relational patterns. When we misdiagnose others in order to exit a relationship, we deprive ourselves of an essential part of human connection: the reps. The work. The messy, uncomfortable, but necessary experiences that help us grow.

The irony? By overusing these labels to disconnect, we’re fueling the very loneliness we claim to be protecting ourselves from. It’s easier to diagnose and discard than to lean into the discomfort of honest conversations, the kind that require ownership, curiosity, and the willingness to hear another perspective. Yes, this means inviting vulnerability, but that’s exactly what deep, lasting relationships demand.

And let’s talk about one of the most overused labels: narcissist. The reality is that true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is rare, affecting only about 1% of the population. Yet, the term has become shorthand for anyone who is emotionally immature, self-centered, or struggles with communication. While some people may exhibit narcissistic traits, that doesn’t mean they meet the criteria for a clinical diagnosis. Misusing this label allows us to bypass the complexity of human relationships and, more importantly, our own role in them.

I often hear clients say, I’m tired of surface-level relationships and acquaintances, I want something deeper. But depth doesn’t happen by default; it requires practice. The only way to build trust and connection is by showing up, engaging, and allowing space for both ourselves and others to be seen. Taking ownership in relationships isn’t just a skill, it’s a sign of emotional maturity. And yet, maturity and emotional intelligence have become traits people want to claim without actually doing the work to develop them.

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How Do We Break This Cycle?

If we want to cultivate deeper, more fulfilling relationships, we need to move away from labeling and avoidance and start practicing real connection. Here’s how:

1. Pause Before You Label

Before calling someone “toxic” or “narcissistic,” ask yourself: Am I using this term accurately, or am I avoiding discomfort? Instead of assigning a label, describe the specific behavior that bothers you and how it affects you. This helps you process the situation with clarity rather than shutting the door prematurely. When we isolate ourselves or blame others to remove our own accountability, we risk not only distancing ourselves from the problem but also from personal growth.

2. Lean Into Difficult Conversations

Discomfort is a prerequisite for depth. Instead of ghosting or cutting someone off immediately, try having an honest conversation. Use statements like, “I feel [emotion] when [behavior happens], and I want to understand where you’re coming from.” Creating space for dialogue doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship—and in some cases, you shouldn’t—but it does allow both people to be heard. It also gives you the opportunity to learn about your own patterns and the role you typically play in relationships.

3. Practice Ownership

Ask yourself: What’s my role in this dynamic? Relationships are rarely one-sided, and avoiding this question keeps us from growing. Whether it’s your communication style, conflict resolution skills, or emotional availability, recognizing your part can help you build stronger relational habits moving forward.

4. Strengthen Your Emotional Resilience

Not every disagreement or challenging relationship means someone is “bad” for you. Learning to tolerate emotional discomfort, rather than immediately distancing yourself builds resilience. Processing these interactions with someone you trust can help, but the goal isn’t to seek affirmation or have them take your side. Instead, seek a neutral perspective that broadens your understanding and helps you determine the next step, whether that’s having a conversation, adjusting your expectations, or setting a boundary.

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5. Redefine Boundaries vs. Avoidance

Healthy boundaries protect your well-being; they aren’t a tool for avoiding difficult emotions. If you find yourself frequently cutting people off instead of setting clear expectations or communicating your needs, ask yourself: Am I truly enforcing a boundary, or am I retreating from discomfort?

6. Commit to the "Reps" of Relationship Growth

Like any skill, emotional intelligence and vulnerability require practice. Challenge yourself to stay engaged in relationships long enough to work through challenges instead of walking away at the first sign of difficulty. Deep, fulfilling connections don’t happen by default—they’re built through consistency, effort, and the ability to navigate discomfort.

There are, of course, times when walking away from a relationship is necessary. But if we want to build meaningful, lasting connections, we have to ask ourselves: Am I leaving because this is truly unhealthy, or am I avoiding something? Relationships are built through consistent effort, discomfort, and growth—not through neatly packaged labels and exits.

Be mindful of the expectations you place on others. If you find yourself extending grace to yourself but not offering the same to those around you, take a step back. True connection isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, doing the work, and allowing space for growth, both in yourself and others.