The Problem of Mom-Shaming

Source: Photo courtesy of Sydney Sims (Unsplash)

I was recently on a crowded flight home from California, and holiday travel was busy, congested and chaotic. I counted three different occasions of children having tantrums—two while at security checkpoints and one on the plane.

I couldn't help notice several people in line commenting. "Can't that mom get a handle on her child?" one woman uttered. "That kid needs some discipline" whispered another person, as if to suggest that these miserable holiday travel circumstances should somehow be navigated with grace and ease.

To her credit, the mother of the toddler throwing a fit in the security line kept her cool despite the sweat on her brow and her reddened face. I knew how she felt, as a mom who has raised a challenging child and was constantly peppered with comments from well-intentioned friends and family who thought they somehow were in possession of the secret sauce of perfect parenthood.

Reframing the "Perfect Mother" Narrative

I might have been one of those judgmental folks twenty five years ago, before embarking on our complex adoption journey. Today I'm much more understanding, because I get it on a personal level. Parenting is complicated in all its forms. Raising children is hard, and every child and family situation is extremely nuanced and unique. There is no perfection, and judgment certainly isn't helpful.

In his article Reimaging Shame, Author Jan Bonhoeffer MD states "At its core, shame is a signal, often tied to our need for connection. It arises when we feel we’ve fallen short of our own or others’ expectations, and it thrives in secrecy. But shame doesn’t just tell us where we feel inadequate—it also hints at what we care most about."^₁ The role of motherhood is as intimate and delicate as it is exceedingly bold, creative, and challenging, so it goes without saying that any attack on a mother who appears to come up short is laden with shame, and shame is disempowering. The last thing women need is more disempowerment.

Rethinking Empowerment

It's important to acknowledge that the organic parenting villages^₂ of the past no longer exist in the ways they used to—when we had a thriving middle class and societal structures that promoted interdependence over rugged individualism, and when a competitive, hustle culture had not yet became the norm. While many families are fortunate enough to find their tribes in these times, many parents now remain stuck in survival mode, kept underground by feelings of blame and shame from the judgment of others.

The internet has certainly made it easier for people to connect with one another in some ways, but it also has made it easier for folks to hurl judgment and accusations without regard for deeper understanding of folks' unique circumstances. These [implicit or explicit] messages can be easily internalized, exacerbating the isolation and shame felt by many parents who are doing the best they can, with the resources they have. It can be hard to feel safe when being judged or attacked, especially when parenting challenging children.

Systemic issues (such as limited access to resources) are a problem for a lot of families. Many of us have to tirelessly advocate for our kids with educational institutions with limited funding. It's fatiguing to argue with insurance companies while juggling other competing work or family responsibilities, not to mention the emotional toll of mounting concern and worry for the welfare of or children.

Despite what people may believe, help is not always forthcoming. Depression is not uncommon in parents of children with special needs, and this can directly relate back to the internalized feelings of shame experienced over time.

Curiosity: The Antidote to Judgment and Shame

I remember a conversation with a good friend years ago who was the son of first generation immigrants who came to the United States and struggled to raise their large family. He looked at me squarely and said, "People like to say, 'I understand,' but you really can't understand what it's like unless you're living my situation. It's really okay to say 'I don't understand. Please tell me what it's like for you.' That opens the door to a true relationship and real connection."

The most important thing struggling mothers need is compassion, and the best place to begin is to develop an attitude of curiosity about their circumstances. Asking "What's it like for you?" can yield a rich and fascinating discussion, facilitating important learning and mutual growth. It's amazing how much we can grow when we open ourselves up to learning about circumstances that are different than our own.

Parenting Essential Reads

Why Kids Lie, and How to Respond

Why Parenting Scripts Don't Work (and What to Try Instead)

It's helpful to note that your parenting experience is generally not the most appropriate place to start from (because each individual's situation is unique) and it's better to refrain from unsolicited parenting advice. Assumptions are generally not helpful when people are in crisis mode. They can place people in the uncomfortable position of feeling the need to prove or defend their situation, which can exacerbate feelings of shame and insecurity—and that's not helpful.

Compassionate Connection

It takes a huge amount of courage to admit that we can't fix or change everything we don't like or don't agree with. It takes even more bravery to be able to sit with the uncomfortable truths that life presents, to be okay with uncertainty, and to befriend the unknowing.

Life is a dialectical process of discovery, and parenthood is no exception. It's an infinite game of complex problem-solving and whack-a mole! Many families are facing the reality of increasing financial burdens, housing issues, and medical costs. Some people are dealing with food insecurity or health challenges. Kids' behavioral, learning, and emotional needs can take their toll on all systems, including educational, social, and family systems.

Like a fragile, balancing house of cards, the reality of our hustle-culture and the scarcity of resources prohibits many people from being the kind of parents they would really like to be. The least we can do is suspend our tendency to judge one another, replace it with a mindset of compassionate curiosity, and resolve to do a better job empowering the other women in our lives through intentional action or advocacy.

Whoever coined the phrase, "Everyone you meet is facing an invisible battle. Be kind," was accurate. Kindness is a balm for the soul. The key to empowering struggling parents is to remain open and supportive, driven by curiosity to understand the depth of folks' circumstances. Most parents are doing the best they can with what they have. And that's true for everyone.