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Productivity

Fixing the Productivity Mindset

Cultivating awareness in the "full catastrophe" of parenting and life.

Like many of us in Western culture, I’m a consummate “doer.” I tend to define myself by my productivity. My ability to take on the world. To get things done. This is accompanied by a subtle feeling of shame if I don’t do enough. In all of my roles: Counselor. Social Worker. Writer. Hospital Chaplain. Wife and Mom.

Rest and inactivity had no place in my world. My mind had conjured them into bookends to shore up a perceived sense of laziness. Idleness, I had thought, should be filled with goals, pursuits, and a fervor of activity. Until a life-changing accident upended the way I saw everything.

I could no longer define myself by those “shoulds” when I was confined to a hospital bed in our living room for three months. Or when my life felt burdened by pain and more surgeries in the subsequent days. The challenging behaviors of my adopted son, alongside my own suffering, felt insurmountable. Crippled by both physical and emotional pain, my goals had to become small. The necessity of my circumstances narrowed the focus of my world to the present moment.

In time, what felt overwhelming became bearable, doable, and often enjoyable! As I learned to slow down and readjust my mind’s eye to focus on the fullness in the existing moment, healing took place. It just happened—outside the realm of my determination.

In his book Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness[i], Jon Kabat-Zinn describes the “productive” attitude as often antithetical to the work of healing. While there were things I could do to rush my healing process, most of the experience was left to the wisdom of my body to heal itself.

A bonus benefit of awareness became the discovery that the same principles apply to the parenting of my adopted children. In healing the traumas of their pasts.

An advantage of cultivating awareness is the ability to see things not as we would like them to be, but to perceive things as they are. Trying to force conditions to meet my goals became exhausting and stressful. Both in my own healing and in the parenting of my children who had each spent two years in orphanages prior to their adoptions.

The physical pain I had learned to abide with accompanied the emerging awareness that the traumas of my children’s pasts could not easily be wished away. Healing was different than curing. Hurt may not magically disappear, but I could now sit with them in their angst.

There are Seven Attitudinal Factors that Kabat-Zinn teaches in his mindfulness classes which have been life-changing for me and my family.

Non-Judging: As an impartial witness to our experiences, we become aware of the constant stream of thought which tends to ascribe feelings of “good or bad.” As I noticed the feelings that arose from my experiences tethered to these judgments, I began to examine them more closely. When I stopped ascribing the value of “bad” to discomfort and “good” to happiness, I released myself from the stress of feeling the need to change my circumstances.

Patience: When we cultivate an openness to the fullness of each moment, we realize things often unfold in their own time. I can wait, and discomfort will subside. I don’t have to fill up my moments with thinking and more activity to make them rich. Life is full enough as it unfolds.

Beginner’s Mind: Find extraordinary in the ordinary. Be willing to see everything for the first time. No moment is the same as any other. I learned that sometimes my experience was my own worst enemy, and my “knowledge” could be a trap, keeping me from discovering what could be gained in each new moment. Beginner’s mind allows us to see more clearly, not cluttered by intrusive thoughts and opinions.

Trust: Yoga is a good example of what it means to listen to your body, and to trust its wisdom and guidance. In the same way, I learned to honor and trust my feelings and intuitions. To be curious about them, and to follow that curiosity.

Non-striving: Try less and be more. I had to back off of striving for results and learn to focus on seeing/accepting things as they are. Moment by moment. As I learned to stay present, I began to see how things fall into place.

Acceptance: Even though difficult emotions arise, they can be looked at through a lens of curiosity and nurturance to see each invitation to learning and seeing more clearly. I know that change is inevitable, there is great value in taking each moment as it comes and focusing on the present.

Letting Go: As I pay attention to my inner experiences, I notice there are things my mind wants to hold on to. I observe my mind grasping and pushing away, and let go of judging thoughts that don’t serve me well. I release these thoughts and feelings from my grasp. I refuse to beat myself up for not getting the results I want, in the time I want them.

It’s not always easy. I still find myself wishing I could erase the years of profound neglect my son suffered in his orphanage. The unexplainable, aching emptiness my teenage daughter sometimes feels. Or the gnawing back pain I wake up with every morning. These are aspects of life’s full catastrophe. But I can greet each moment with my full awareness, with the intention to be present for my children in all of their challenges.

Chris Prange-Morgan
The benefit of awareness is the ability to see things not as we want them to be, but to accept them as they are.
Source: Chris Prange-Morgan

There is freedom in receptivity and acceptance. They create the right conditions to forge new and better ways ahead.

I’ve appreciated the ease in letting go. As I learn to listen to my body with its own innate wisdom, I am challenged to listen to the immensity of my children’s experiences—no matter how difficult they may be. That’s the gift of this “way of being” in these turbulent times. To relinquish control of the outcome, but to be present for the unfolding.

References

[i] Kabat-Zinn, Jon PhD. Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness. Bantam Books. 2013.

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