5 Red Flags That a Relationship Should Not Get Serious

Getting involved with a new relationship, intimate or not, can be fraught with potential traps. Consider the situation of Nicole. She is venturing back out into the dating world after her last serious relationship ended, more with a whimper than a bang. She’s worried about who or what she may find out there, but she doesn’t want to be lonely either.

A friend introduces Nicole to Steve, a neighbor who also became single recently. It seems as though the two of them should be a good match, at least in theory. After a few dates, Nicole finds herself bothered by a few of Steve’s quirks. He’s made some comments that leave her puzzled, he rarely asks her any questions about her own life, and some of his stories sound too good to be true. On the other hand, she has fun with him, and he’s not too bad looking, either.

Values and the Health of Relationships

The quirks that are making Nicole uncomfortable make her wonder whether these are more than just oddities in Steve’s behavior. He made a few comments that caused her to question whether his worldview and hers are ever going to mesh. She’s been around the block enough to know that everyone has their issues, including herself. But should she worry about this? Maybe his pluses outweigh these minuses.

According to a 2018 study by Bastyr University’s James McDonald and colleagues (2018), Nicole might want to pay attention to the negatives. Basing their work on married heterosexual couples, the authors note the preponderance of evidence supporting alignment in basic values as an important contribution to harmonious relationships. The “interdependent value congruence” equation only works, though, when both partners value getting along and being good to each other rather than trying to seek power and domination.

Beyond these "nice-person" set of qualities, though, other values can come into play in predicting intimacy and closeness. These include compassion, humility, and positivity. These are not just personality traits, but values that represent, for lack of a better word, “character.” They translate into being sensitive to another person, being willing to admit when you’re wrong, and being optimistic.

In their study of over 1,500 U.S. adults, all of whom were in heterosexual marriages (average age 54; average length of marriage 27 years), the Bastyr U. research team demonstrated that individuals who were more focused on their partners rather than themselves indeed were more likely to show those qualities of character that predicted better relationship outcomes. People who were high on self-enhancement values (putting themselves first) were higher in positivity, but that was about it.

Overall, these findings suggest that values do play a role in relationship satisfaction, especially values that underlie an individual’s willingness to listen to their partner and put the partner's needs ahead of their own. The self-enhancing partner may be upbeat and fun, but have little true interest in the other person.

Translating Values Into Warnings

Returning to Nicole’s dilemma, let’s take a look at Steve’s “quirks.” What might she realistically want to put on her checklist for a partner she wants to become involved with?

1. Inconsistency in values.

The McDonald et al. study looked at three specific values, but clearly, there are any number of values about which couples can agree or disagree (or agree to disagree). Nicole expressed her own political views early on in their time together, so there was never any doubt about how she feels. Bothering her more than a little is the fact that Steve made a few jokes about people who hold those values, making her feel disrespected.

2. Small acts of selfishness.

Self-enhancement values can make someone fun to be with, but what if these come with behaviors that are less than gracious? Steve complained when Nicole asked if they could go to her favorite coffee shop, and when they got there, he seemed sulky and annoyed.

3. Lying about discoverable facts.

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In the age of Google, very few bits of information about people are unable to be discovered. The value of humility often includes honesty (in fact, it’s considered one of six personality traits). Nicole found out later that Steve had indeed invented a fanciful story about his background that proved not to have any basis in the truth.

4. Not asking enough questions.

At any point in a relationship, but especially early on, it’s not only polite but usual to ask questions, not just talk about oneself. Part of compassion is being interested in the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of another person. A one-sided conversation suggests that Steve is coming up short on the compassion scale.

5. Making jokes that aren’t jokes.

Nicole values a sense of humor and recognizes that her jokes don’t always land that well with her friends. But a person who values compassion and cares about others is not likely to make jokes at another person’s expense. Steve’s made a few attempts at humor that led Nicole to stop in her tracks, not just because they weren’t that funny, but because they were in bad taste. Again, thinking about the Bastyr U. study, a compassionate person knows enough to stay away from comments that a relationship partner would find offensive. Steve’s failure to do so suggests he either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about her sensibilities.

Putting Values to Use in Your Relationships

Whether in seeking a romantic relationship or just trying to find new friends, figuring out who to become close to can seem like an almost insurmountable challenge. These five warning signs can become useful guides to help you figure out your own next steps with a new person.

The bottom line in this process is that you maintain a clear position on your own values. If you see, or just sense, that a new person doesn’t respect yours, the odds are that things aren’t going to get much better. Though it’s never a good idea to rush to judgment, picking up on those vibes can help you decide how much to trust yourself on the path forward to new and fulfilling relationships.

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