From Fantasy to Reality: The Top 6 Ways That People Cheat on Their Partners

President Jimmy Carter's confession that he had "lust in his heart" and essentially had committed adultery rocked the political world of the late 1970s and almost cost him the election. However, mental if not actual infidelity happens to almost everyone in almost every relationship at some point in time. With the availability of porn on the internet, many people can even take their fantasies closer to reality than was true in the past (Parker & Wampler, 2003). The Kinsey Institute reports that 20-25% of men and 10-15% of women engaged in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. Infidelity, in turn, is the single most cited cause of divorce in over 150 cultures.

It's highly doubtful that relationship experts will ever be able to answer with any kind of finality the question of who will cheat and why. There are just too many variants ranging from personality to type of relationship to cultural attitudes. Models of infidelity cite factors such as "perpetual problems" to "disillusionment" to poor communication, personality impulsivity, sexual dissatisfaction, habituation, deficit in executive functions, lack of empathy, boredom, and unmet emotional needs (Allen et al., 2008; Bravo & White Lumpkin, 2010). There just isn't one simple answer.

Sorting out all these factors, family therapist Dennis Bagarozzi (2008) suggests that we look at different types of infidelity to figure out what leads people to stray. Each of these situations has its own unique contributors and each needs to be dealt with in a different manner. I've recommended possible solutions to go with each type. Obviously, these are just first steps, but I hope they will give you practical advice if this situation applies to you.

1. Brief encounters. One-night stands or affairs that last for a few short weeks typically involve some sort of disinhibition through alcohol or other drugs, occur with strangers, take place far from home, are unlikely to be discovered, and occur with the agreement by both partners that the affair will be of limited duration.

Possible solutions: The partners in brief encounters seem to be seeking novelty, adventure, and relief from loneliness. They think at the time that the affair won't have a permanent effect on their long-term relationship. But the affair can create inner turmoil that eventually does impact the relationship quality. Therefore, although these seem "harmless," they can become the beginning of the end of an otherwise good relationship. Recognizing the dangers is an important first step to changing your behavior if you're involved in one of these scenarios.

2. Periodic sexual encounters. Unlike the one-night stand, a periodic encounter is

premeditated, persistent, and chronic. People who have these types of affairs don't want to develop deep emotional bonds, but they are looking for fulfillment of a sexual need. They may be trying to satisfy specific desires that they can't fulfill with their long-term opposite-sex partner and therefore seek homosexual liaisons, for example. Or they may be in an otherwise good relationship that lacks sexual zing. For some people, however, these affairs may reflect personality factors such as impulsiveness and a need for stimulation.

Possible solutions: If you're the impulsive type, you're best approach is to lessen the chances of cheating by lessening the factors that make you more impulsive such as taking drugs or alcohol. If the brief encounters reflect unmet sexual needs, the partners can benefit from sex therapy which addresses the many complex contributors to sexual orientation and changes in desire and arousal patterns.

3. Instrumental or utilitarian. Want a promotion? You might decide to sleep with a higher-up to get it. Using the affair for financial, professional, or material gain reflects less on the primary relationship than on the cheater's wish to get ahead. An instrumental affair might, however, be used to punish the partner or to evoke jealousy.

Possible solutions: There are significant risks attached to this type of affair both at work and at home. Work relationships built on sex can backfire in no time and you'll be out of a job entirely. You need to decide not to take this route, even if you fear you might be risking your ability to get a promotion. If you're the boss, you should know better! A sexual harrassment claim will quite possibly land you on the street or worse. In the other cases, using sex to taunt or retaliate against a partner can escalate into dissolution of the relationship. If you're in one of these situations, you need to recognize the dangers and do what you can to try to repair your primary relationship.

4. Short-term affairs triggered by life circumstances. Having to assume adult responsibilities, dealing with changes related to aging, loss of a job, and drastic changes in financial status can all trigger a desire for self-validation through an affair. People who enter into these affairs are trying to exert a sense of control because they can't control what's happening to them in the other realms of their lives.

Possible solutions: Using sex to help cope with life stress will create its own stresses. If you're in this situation, you need to find better ways to boost your self-esteem and coping skills than by acting them out in this high-risk and hurtful manner. The stresses of life transitions are best handled by a combination of practical steps toward change, positive reframing, and seeking social (but not sexual) support.

5.Affairs triggered by unconscious conflicts. People with paraphilic disorders who can't satisfy their sexual desires in their primary relationship may seek out partners who will meet these needs. Psychoanalysts believe that paraphilic behaviors represent compulsive behaviors designed to alleviate intense "psychic pain," anxiety, and unhappiness rather than sexual desire per se. In other cases, unconscious conflicts may drive sexual liaisons that don't have a paraphilic component to them but still lead to problematic liaisons. Both types of affairs have a compulsive component to them, which means that the individual can't resist their inner urges.

Possible solutions: Having a paraphilia in and of itself isn't seen by sex experts as a reason to seek counseling. However,when people with sexual compulsions are so driven that they are unable to carry out their daily activities or feel distressed, these can be symptoms of a psychological disorder. Treatment can focus on reducing the urges by focusing on these conflicts. More cognitively-oriented therapy can also help people identify the thoughts associated with these urges and changing their patterns of acting upon them.

6.

Complex and enduring relationships. An enduring affair may last for years. Those that precede divorce are seen as unlike the first five types because they actually are the precursor to another long-term relationship. Other enduring affairs, however, don't end in marital partner shuffling. These take place outside a long-term marriage such as one that was non-voluntary (an arranged marriage), or one that has become emotionally or sexually unsatisfying. In this "tripod affair," the offended spouse unconsciously agrees to go along with the situation. With changes in the economy making it more difficult financially for couples either to obtain a divorce or to live separately, it's likely that these tripod affairs will become more prevalent.

6.

Possible solutions: Couples who are having an affair that precedes divorce and subsequent remarriage may in fact have found "true love." The victim in this case, namely the spouse who is being left, would almost certainly benefit from counseling to help cope with his or her feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and low self-worth. In longer-term affairs where the spouse gives his or her unconscious assent, it's possible that the status quo will eventually have serious negative consequences as well, requiring counseling aimed at similar goals.

To sum up: Infidelity cuts to the very core of our needs for trust. If you've been betrayed, you may never be able to forgive, but you may still be able to salvage the relationship.If you're the partner who's been carrying out the affair, you may be able to regain this trust but it will require making a firm commitment to stop the cheating. With luck, you'll be able to remove the lust both from your behavior and from your heart.

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Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. 2011

References:

Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Williams, T., Melton, J., & Clements, M. L. (2008). Premarital precursors of marital infidelity. Family Process, 47(2), 243-259. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2008.00251.x

Bagarozzi, D. r. (2008). Understanding and treating marital infidelity: A multidimensional model. American Journal of Family Therapy, 36(1), 1-17. doi:10.1080/01926180601186900:

Bravo, I. M., & White Lumpkin, P. (2010). The complex case of marital infidelity: An explanatory model of contributory processes to facilitate psychotherapy. American Journal of Family Therapy, 38(5), 421-432. doi:10.1080/01926187.2010.522491

Parker, T. S., & Wampler, K. S. (2003). How bad is it? Perceptions of the relationship impact of different types of Internet sexual activities. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 25(4), 415-429. doi:10.1023/A:1027360703099