"Fortunately, most people don’t spend their lives shooting off zingers aimed at hurting other people’s feelings"
Not these days.
So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now.
Verified by Psychology Today
From childhood teasing to adult put-downs, it’s no fun to be on the receiving end of an insulting comment. Try as you might to ignore the insult, part of it may stick, and you worry that there truly is something truly "wrong" with you—that you really are "stupid," "ugly," or a "jerk."
You might assume that those who insult you aren't intentionally trying to make you feel bad. You might imagine that they think they’re being funny, or believe they’re showing affection, being familiar enough to prod you with a few well-placed barbs. Insults may stem from an inadvertent snub, such as sending you an email saying you weren’t selected for something you felt you deserved—a restaurant manager, say, implies that you’re not high enough on the “A” list to merit a reservation at the height of the dinner rush.
Some insults bounce off your skin, but others can stick with you for decades. You may never forget the time your father-in-law commented negatively about your earning potential, even though years later, you comfortably contribute to the household income.
Insults can also tap into your defensive vein, sometimes to ill effect. You may decide you’re going to prove your father-in-law wrong by loudly announcing your latest pay raise at every possible occasion. This causes others—who have likely forgotten about that original insult—to perceive you as boastful and arrogant.
Fortunately, most people don’t spend their lives shooting off zingers aimed at hurting others' feelings. The tendency to make disparaging comments seems to be linked to the personality trait of narcissism. For example:
Knowing the qualities of narcissism, it’s pretty easy to see why narcissists are especially likely to hurt others with their comments. However, some regard narcissism as a cover-up for an extreme sense of vulnerability or personal inadequacy. According to this view, narcissists insult others to feel better about themselves. They might be particularly likely to make disparaging comments when they’re feeling threatened in some way, afraid their flaws will be exposed.
Korea University’s Sun Park and Northeastern University psychologist C. Randall Colvin investigated the question of whether narcissists would be more likely than others to adopt a disparaging approach toward others, whether or not they feel threatened. In their words, “Narcissistic individuals create psychological breakwaters to keep threatening information from reaching their highly favorable self-concept” (p. 335). These “psychological breakwaters” may include a protective barrier of personal putdowns toward anyone they think is better than they are.
Previous research showed that narcissists respond aggressively toward others when they feel threatened by, for example, social rejection. They also don’t like it when someone gives them a negative evaluation. In studies cited by Park and Colvin, narcissists were found to criticize the source of negative feedback. Narcissists, they propose, also like to see themselves as high on “agentic” motives of achievement and power. Conversely, people high in self-esteem but not narcissism prefer to set goals that involve getting along with others, or “communal” motives.
Most people rate themselves higher than they rate others (the “better-than-average” effect), but if the logic of Park and Colvin’s study holds true, narcissists should be especially likely to do so with regard to power and achievement. Ordinary people high in self-esteem, however, should do so with regard to how much they’re liked.
To test this, Park and Colvin recruited undergraduate students for a series of studies in which they provided ratings of a “target” (either a stranger, friend, or average student at a university). The personality ratings they made of these targets were judged to be derogatory if they were lower than the so-called “optimally adjusted” person (as determined by the ratings provided separately by mental-health professionals). In each study, people who had scored higher on measures of narcissism were more likely to downgrade their ratings of the target. By contrast, people high in self-esteem overall did not derogate the target.
As it turns out, then, narcissists like to denigrate everyone else, even if there's no direct threat to their feelings of self-importance. For them, insulting others just comes with the territory.
The conclusions, as stated by the authors, suggest that “unlike narcissistic individuals who generally evaluate other people negatively, people with high self-esteem tend to perceive others favorably. This difference implies that there are two distinct portraits of self-love” (p. 342). The self-love involved in high self-esteem doesn’t need negative comparisons with others to keep it going. The self-love of narcissism, by contrast, requires that you see others as flawed compared to you.
Narcissistic people simply look down on others, seeing themselves as superior. Whether they actually feel superior (grandiosity) or are trying to compensate for weakness (vulnerability) could not be determined by this study.
The upshot? Narcissistic people are more likely to make you feel bad about yourself. They’ll be the ones whose negative evaluation will readily turn into a verbal insult or insulting behavior. The best way to counter these feelings is to consider the source. When someone insults you, consider it a reflection of them, not you. And if you find yourself insulting people without knowing why, it’s possible that you have a narcissistic streak that you need to learn to control.
Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging. Feel free to check out my Facebook group, Fulfillment at Any Age, to discuss today's post, or to ask further questions about this posting.
Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2015.
References
Park, S. W., & Colvin, C. R. (2015). Narcissism and other‐derogation in the absence of ego threat. Journal Of Personality, 83(3), 334-345. doi:10.1111/jopy.12107
"Fortunately, most people don’t spend their lives shooting off zingers aimed at hurting other people’s feelings"
Not these days.
Narcissists are some of the worst people in existence. There's no way to get along them and since they have no empathy and
they only care about themselves, they should be avoided like
the plague.
I work around several narcissists and I completely understand where your frustration is coming from. However, most narcissist come from traumatic beginnings where they where beet down by family and or outside influences for their smarts or weight or smell or cloths. This causes a huge amount of self loathing as well as distrust in others. People with narcissistic tendencies usually just need a good kick in the pants and a friend. Luckily this is one of the few mental disorders that can turn itself around.
My point is they do have empathy buried down there somewhere but for the moment they are little more than a small child reacting to a world that calls them useless.
My experience with trying to give narcissists "a good kick in the pants" is they that reacted with acts of vengeance comparable to those of ancients Gods raining down fire. And being a friend only worked as long as they were receiving your unconditional support for what mattered to them. But good for you if you've had more positive experiences. I do believe there are degrees of narcissism where this approach might work.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and I find your comment incredibly naive and frankly, inaccurate. You cannot give a narcissist 'a kick in the pants' because they literally don't care about your opinion. A friend to them is someone who will fawn at their feet, someone who will feed their ego, someone they can manipulate to their own ends, someone they can use. They don't care about having real friends. They have no understanding of the concept of sharing, mutual kindness, support and reciprocation.
As for trauma, all of us suffer to some degree or another. That is not an excuse to inflict trauma on others. My father has traumatized and deeply hurt and changed the lives of three generations of my family. His trauma as a child is no excuse. In my experience, narcissists know exactly what they're doing. They're not trying to protect their fragile egos or self concept from the big, bad world. They are the big, bad world. They are cruel, sadistic, mean-spirited people. They simply don't care about anyone but themselves. My father still boasts about how he manipulates and uses people to get what he wants and to boost his ego. He's actually proud of his efforts. He's 77 years old. I don't know where you got the idea that narcissism is easy to cure or gets better with age. It's actually the exact opposite. It gets worse, it's rarely treatable, because to be able to treat a person with a mental condition they have to have some kind of motivation to change. A narcissistic literally sees no reason to change, because in his mind he is perfect. I'm sorry, but your comment is completely naive. I doubt you have ever come across a true narcissist, and I hope you never do.
I could have written your response, myself, the only difference being that I grew up with a mother who had many narcissistic pd traits as well as formally diagnosed borderline pd.
Narcissistic pd in particular is very "ego syntonic", meaning that the traits and behaviors of npd are not distressing to the narcissistic individual; he or she sees nothing wrong with the way they think, feel, and behave, so they do not seek treatment.
I've also read about "vulnerable" vs "invulnerable" narcissism, which I find fascinating. I believe I've met both kinds of narcissistic individuals.
The "invulnerable" ones genuinely believe that they are superior; they were raised from infancy to believe that they and their family came from superior genetic stock and therefor are much more intelligent, giving them the right to control wealth and power, and rule over other, inferior people (as in "Nazi Aryan superiority beliefs".)
But I think that most narcissistic individuals are the "vulnerable" variety, meaning that their air of superiority and grandiosity are really just masks to cover up their true feelings of inferiority.
And yes, its pretty much impossible to have a genuine, meaningful, honest dialogue with a narcissist because if you wound their ego, they're likely to target you with revenge behaviors. They can be very toxic, even dangerous individuals when they're out for revenge.
Mellor is absolutely 100% correct. I am married to one and constantly have to remind myself that HE has the problem. The older he gets - the worse he gets. It is unimaginable torture to spend your life with someone like this.
Oh how many times I have thought the exact same thing
New to all this reading all these comments, :( how do you cope? I am married for 15 years now I do believe he is a narcissus I have been to therapy for myself and I have B.P.D &PTSD . He won't go to therapy bcz well he doesn't like to be told or hear anything that may be wrong with him . It's everyone else. I mean that everyone else is the issue. I love him I feel sad for him , he has to be hurt inside , but he is hurting me and the kids. My 16 is becoming like him as well. :(
Tammie,
I can relate to what you said. I'm not married, but have had an on again/off again narc bf for 2 yrs.
He pushes my buttons on purpose...and admits he does it on purpose cuz "ur so cute when ur mad". Before I met him, I had been 100% single for 15 yrs. I was fine.... family, church, nice friends, no nasty temper, no swearing beyond "well, shit" (and that wasn't real often), no raising my voice... now-- he can push me to the point of causing me to check my family history for signs of complete insanity. I find myself allowing him to get me to a point where I'm literally a raving bitch...then I feel awful. I am a Christian and I have a very hard time forgiving myself for being so nasty sometimes, even when I've apologized to him for my outbursts. He thinks I've always been this way and I tell him I used to be a calm, rational person, but that he has me on the defense all the time and won't let me be nice. He really doesn't know the real me. I liked me back then; since I met him...not so much.
He's done and said SO many hurtful things.... with absolutely no thought to how I feel. And I sometimes think I'M the crazy one for even trying to deal with him. His friends have told him I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, but they may as well talk to a wall.
He ghosted me 3 months ago... and now trying to wiggle back in. I find that I have more peace w/o him but I'm a pushover, so I guess I get what I deserve for being so stupid. The time apart was hard at 1st, but it got better.... then he's back. I actually think I deal w him cuz he's lost a lot of friends and basically I'm the only person he has. Trust me when I say I'm not bragging about that.... doormats don't have much to brag about.
As long as he gets you to blame yourself you'll feel like crap.
Work on this:
You are not responsible for his decisions and actions.
I'd get away and stay away: what he is doing is destructive to both of you. But you hae a choice: take it or not.
Dear Sherry Somebody, YOU described my on/off boyfriend & our relationship to perfection, totally, identical. I think you & I are speaking of/seeing/relating with the Same Man, I swear!
Sherry - I hope you have escaped from the narc by now. Reading your story gave me flashbacks of all the gaslighting and abuse my ex dished on me for years. And even after he ended things and cut contact he decided to stalk me online. Almost a decade we broke up he is still sending psycho emails from various addresses (I block one, he makes a new one).
If you haven't left yet I highly suggest that you do so. And to anyone else reading this that is going through the same issue, RUN. I wish I had listened to my instincts that something was terribly wrong. But they don't teach us about mental/verbal abuse in school nor signs of narcissists to watch out for...
ESCAPE NOW. Even if you don't feel like you can, you will look back on this in the future and wonder "What the heck did I ever see in that person?? That was the worst relationship of my life!!!"
Yes. My dad fits alot of these templates of narcissism too. That guy actually got pleasure making children and other people feel afraid and bad about themselves. He cannot sustain a relationship with anyone. And also, I really think he will never get any better, because he thinks he's a genius and the rest of the world is the problem. It wasn't fun growing up in the chaos around him.
Mellor wrote:I grew up with a narcissistic father and I find your comment incredibly naive and frankly, inaccurate. You cannot give a narcissist 'a kick in the pants' because they literally don't care about your opinion. A friend to them is someone who will fawn at their feet, someone who will feed their ego, someone they can manipulate to their own ends, someone they can use. They don't care about having real friends. They have no understanding of the concept of sharing, mutual kindness, support and reciprocation.
As for trauma, all of us suffer to some degree or another. That is not an excuse to inflict trauma on others. My father has traumatized and deeply hurt and changed the lives of three generations of my family. His trauma as a child is no excuse. In my experience, narcissists know exactly what they're doing. They're not trying to protect their fragile egos or self concept from the big, bad world. They are the big, bad world. They are cruel, sadistic, mean-spirited people. They simply don't care about anyone but themselves. My father still boasts about how he manipulates and uses people to get what he wants and to boost his ego. He's actually proud of his efforts. He's 77 years old. I don't know where you got the idea that narcissism is easy to cure or gets better with age. It's actually the exact opposite. It gets worse, it's rarely treatable, because to be able to treat a person with a mental condition they have to have some kind of motivation to change. A narcissistic literally sees no reason to change, because in his mind he is perfect. I'm sorry, but your comment is completely naive. I doubt you have ever come across a true narcissist, and I hope you never do.
I dont have parents with this disorder but i worked with several of them and you are right they are basically evil people who picture themselves perfect and if you dont agree they torture you . Whoever wrote they are traumatized obviously never met a real narsicist or they fell for the act, the face these people put jn order to make decent people feel bad for them :s ...its a lie cause they have no feelings beyond thinking they are perfect and evryone else ia crap
Spot on.
'a kick in the pants' - yeah, right!! The Anonymous person who posted that may be a narcissist. It is widely recognized, I've found based on just a few 100 hours of research on this subject, that narcissists are nearly impossible to change, for the reasons you states, and as you also stated, they get worse with age. So when Anonymous says what (s)he said, (s)he obviously isn't terribly familiar with the material - yet is posing as one who does.... hmmm.
"They're not trying to protect their fragile egos or self concept from the big, bad world. They are the big, bad world." -- nice quote, mate.
You are right on point here! Narcissists don't change and a lot of them get worse with age. My mother is a narcissist and at 70 is as bad now as she ever was. And my father is an abusive enabler. Neither has an ounce of compassion for anyone and they only care about getting their own needs met and their own egos stroked. Which is why I avoid them like the plague. They will never admit they did anything wrong, treated anyone badly who didn't deserve it, and never, ever apologize. I don't ever expect to get acknowledgement of their mistreatment, let alone an apology so long as they are alive. People who have genuinely spent any extended length of time with a true narcissist and suffered at their hands would never excuse their behaviour.
Anonymous wrote:I work around several narcissists and I completely understand where your frustration is coming from. However, most narcissist come from traumatic beginnings where they where beet down by family and or outside influences for their smarts or weight or smell or cloths. This causes a huge amount of self loathing as well as distrust in others. People with narcissistic tendencies usually just need a good kick in the pants and a friend. Luckily this is one of the few mental disorders that can turn itself around.
My point is they do have empathy buried down there somewhere but for the moment they are little more than a small child reacting to a world that calls them useless.
What evidence is there that narcissists 'turn themselves around'? It's incredibly rare for them to seek help because they believe they're perfect and everyone else is at fault.
Being 'a friend' to a narcissist means being their supply and is incredibly dangerous since the people they target tend to be kind and sympathetic and therefore open to being manipulated.
To be honest, I can't help wondering if you're just trolling, since the main hallmark of a narcissist is their complete lack of empathy, which is in direct contradiction to what you stated above.
To anyone reading this who believes they are in a relationship with a narcissist, I strongly advise you to ignore the comment about them 'just needing a good friend' and get as far away from them as possible, whilst you still have (some of) your sanity intact. Trust me: your health, happiness and very existence depend on it.
@"workaround several"
Virtually all the assertions you made are the opposite of true narcissistic personality disorder.
In particular, NPD is a very ego-syntonic condition, which means that a person with NPD is rarely if ever distressed by their own thoughts, feelings or behaviors and sees no reason to change anything about their own self. It's rare for someone with NPD to seek therapy.
And if you dare suggest to someone with NPD that their behaviors often hurt you and others, and they might benefit from therapy, be prepared for an explosion of narcissistic rage!
I'd just done something nice for my ex-husband, which he wouldn't really acknowledge. The next time I saw him he gave me a 'heads up' that my friend who'd taken care of my dog, didn't really seem to like doing it. (He met her once.) My dad had recently died so my ex-husband asked how I felt? I said, sad for myself, happy for my Dad being in a better place, and simply exhausted. No! That's not what he meant! How did I think the service had gone? Were there as many people as I'd expected? He thought that there would have been more. Hey! Am I a grieving daughter or a party planner? Next, he mentioned that an old neighbor had gotten double the value when he sold his home, compared to what our house was valued when my ex--husband had bought me out. After that he asked me about a brother-in-law I'm very fond of who has terminal cancer. And then, he asked me about my brother who had recently lost his job. At this point, I should have walked away. Instead, thoroughly irritated, I commented on his lack of gratitude for the favor I'd done him. Ehhh, basically he threw me out. Talk about a lose/lose situation. What should I have done?
Hi Lilly,
My suggestion is for you to try utilizing a strategy called "Medium Chill". It's a way for you to be more self protective around your ex and around other mean, difficult, personality-disordered people.
It's about being less responsive to him, aka being deliberately sort of boring and not sharing anything personal or significant with him. Instead, be emotionally neutral or dull and uninteresting; don't respond much to the things he says to you.
If you Google "Medium Chill, Borderline PD" you should see several sources.
If he finds you "dull, boring and unresponsive" he will be more likely to leave you alone, which is a good thing!
Anonymous A, thank you. I may have tried your strategy in small ways and from time to time, but it hadn't occurred to me to use this strategy for each and every interaction with him. I think that's an excellent plan. Thank you for pointing this out.
Lily
You stated, "Luckily this is one of the few mental disorders that can turn itself around." This is not consistent with the current thinking on what personality disorders are and how they are in fact the exact opposite of this, intransigent, stable across life, and resistant to treatment. You might wish to read a bit of the articles in PT, and papers in peer reviewed literature.
Anonymous wrote:I work around several narcissists and I completely understand where your frustration is coming from. However, most narcissist come from traumatic beginnings where they where beet down by family and or outside influences for their smarts or weight or smell or cloths. This causes a huge amount of self loathing as well as distrust in others. People with narcissistic tendencies usually just need a good kick in the pants and a friend. Luckily this is one of the few mental disorders that can turn itself around.
My point is they do have empathy buried down there somewhere but for the moment they are little more than a small child reacting to a world that calls them useless.
You're not describing a personality disorder, you're describing being a garden variety jerk. Yes, garden variety jerks can be turned around, and might indeed change as a result of "a kick in the pants and a friend", but with NPD, it's not like that.
Wrong they never change and can not be saved.
I passionately disagree with the childhood trauma nonsense. The N's I know (I was also married to one) had their kiesters kissed by their parents & their siblings were forced to do so too. They simply expect the rest of the world to do likewise.
I was raised by a narcissistic father. They do NOT get better with age, but rather worse. No amount of extending the olive branch makes them a more empathetic person. No contact is the best way to live with a narcissistic parent.
If you truly believe what you say, you are not working with a bunch of people high on the narcissist scale. True narcissists cannot be dealt with and are the most hurtful people in the world.
No you just throw a Narc out of your life
I totally agree with you; they have no real empathy and if they show any its fake, they dont have real feelings either instead they use other peoples goodness to manipulate them. Run the other direction fast when you come into contact with a narcissist before they ruinyour life
I discovered my family has been narcissistically abusing me my entire life. I am 50 years old and am just now learning my life was stolen from me and replaced with the perpetual toxic shame syndrome that my families negative slights and incessant toxic shame dumping created for me. I still can’t believe that they simply are incapable of compassion or empathy. run like hell!
Motivations of specific adults can be highly varied. Thus suggesting that anyone being abusive as described is narcistic is too simplistic. Some folks actually seem to derive pleasure from injuring others......
According to Dr. Robert Hare's Psychopathy Checklist, psychopathy is more or less the combination of both narcissistic pd traits and antisocial pd traits, the combo being exponentially worse, more toxic and destructive than either disorder alone.
Psychopaths tend to be sadistic.
NPDs, ASPDs and Psychopaths lack the quality of affective empathy, meaning that although they can easily read and accurately interpret the emotions of others, they genuinely do not care and will be indifferent to your pain and suffering, or worse, actually enjoy it; the ones who enjoy watching others suffer (and/or making them suffer) are the sadists.
Psychopaths have no inclination to comfort you unless by appearing to care about your feelings, it provides them some advantage towards manipulating you or conning you for their own benefit. Psychopaths are good at faking concern and caring.
So, yes, some narcissists and pretty much all the antisocials and psychopaths lack affective empathy and tend to be sadistic, which is very much the same way that a cat regards and treats a mouse, making these individuals pretty much the same thing as intra-species predators, according to Hare.
I completely agree with you. Either the study was characterized so simplistically that it made the study appear invalid, or the study was really so rudimentary that it made a post hoc fallacy in its conclusion. There could be a number of alternatives that were not presented or, seemingly, considered. I would have to read the study to know if it is the writer's characterization or the study itself. And, honestly, I don't have enough concern for the subject to go researching and reading scholarly journals on the matter.
I appreciate the writer's choice of subject and her desire to present a range of perspectives. I hoped to draw some value from this article, but there were so many grammatical errors that, at key times, I could not understand what the writer was expressing. Also, her characterization of the study was more baffling than explanatory; as it was explained, the study seems useless in its inability to provide a substantive foundation for a theory. The study's conclusion was a colossal leap of fallacy if the findings were as reported here.
There must be a whole platoon of "Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling Police" here at PT.
So please relax, the rest of us have been able to understand this article and other PT articles just fine in spite of any minor grammatical errors.
Hmm, let's see. Someone makes an honest critique of the article, first making positive statements, then providing articulate statements about where the article needed improvement, citing both expression and clarity, not just "grammar," "spelling," and "punctuation." You, then, feel so strongly that you post a comment that speaks for "the rest of us" as if everyone thinks just like you do. I mean, why wouldn't they want to have your brand of superior thinking, right? If they don't think as you do, something must be wrong with them. Given the subject of the article and how much you "know," as your posts highlight, it is clear that we have prima facie evidence of a textbook case. Thank you, grand wise one, for presenting yourself. It always helps to have an actual model of the behavior about which we are reading. I hope you have received your daily "supply."
Great example of DARVO on your part, KK.
It was pointed out that your attack of the author's minor spelling, grammar or punctuation errors is very petty and mean-spirited. I agree.
And your response was to attack and accuse the person who confronted your pettiness of being a narcissist. That is a classic, even textbook example of DARVO.
Evidently, every other individuals who posted a comment on the article DID understand the author's intent in spite of any minor grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors, so your argument doesn't hold water.
I also find it illogical that you wrote that the grammatical errors in the article caused you to not understand the point that the author wanted to make, yet you still disagree with it. Very "Alice in Wonderland" of you, in my opinion. ("I don't understand what the author meant, but I disagree with the author." Cue the "cuckoo clock" sound effects now, please.)
To quote a famous TV and film character known for espousing logic, I find your illogical point of view "...Fascinating."
(Bonus points for every spelling, grammar, or punctuation error you find!)
I was friends for twenty years with a narcissist. She hid it, but it was always strange to listen to her telling herself, "I have no friends," when I was right there in front of her face being her friend. She finally decided to break up with me, and for some reason, I found the seven hours of her attempts to mentally and verbally abuse me while finding passive aggressive ways to keep me around because she told me "I can't tell what you are feeling," but she knew, I think, this visit was not only me allowing her to do her thing to me, but it would be the first and the last time she did it to me, and I have to admit, I played a bit with her. I grew up in a family of narcissist women, somehow, it missed me, though I know I tend narcissist, myself, but they never attacked with such direct ferocity as my old friend. But, I did still play with her mental illness to make sure I was seeing what I was seeing, and for that karma immediately returned the favor.
I found the entire situation instructive and took nothing personally because as I told her, "I know what is happening." The very next week, karma found the third hidden narcissist in my life, and thank heavens, she came at me after eleven months of a strange acquaintance rather than 240 months. What seemed to set her off? Even after everything my little family has gone through, me and my kid are still happy. Truly happy. Yet she kept trying to bring me down the very same way my old friend had. I didn't play with her, I already knew one doesn't play with those with mental illness, to be hit by this twice in a week's time was a huge lesson to be kind to these folk, and leave them with a "Have a great rest of the day!"
At any rate, all three of the hidden narcissists are gone from my life (the first one was my child's First Grade teacher, and I won't go into that story, here). Since I grew up with them, I did tend to attract them, but not anymore. Nope. Not anymore.
Were they really "hidden" or was your ability to recognize them hindered by your close association with others like them? I'm saying this because I think that at 64 I've finally realized that I've consistently chosen to associate with many people who have narcissistic tendencies.
I agree that we subconsciously choose people who are narcissists, rather than the narcs hiding their behaviour. I think healthy people will never stand for the way that narcs strive to treat others, and thus, any liaison between them will be short-lived and never really get off the ground.
Those people who do entertain narcissists will nearly always have had narc family members so the association with dysfunctional behaviour and love is already conditioned into them.
I also think that those who stick around narcissists tend to be overly empathic and can sense their insecurity and actually feel sorry for them. Narcs are aware of this, though, and will use that fact to hook someone in even further.
isaac wrote:I agree that we subconsciously choose people who are narcissists, rather than the narcs hiding their behaviour. I think healthy people will never stand for the way that narcs strive to treat others, and thus, any liaison between them will be short-lived and never really get off the ground.
Those people who do entertain narcissists will nearly always have had narc family members so the association with dysfunctional behaviour and love is already conditioned into them.
I also think that those who stick around narcissists tend to be overly empathic and can sense their insecurity and actually feel sorry for them. Narcs are aware of this, though, and will use that fact to hook someone in even further.
What twaddle.......
A person with high self esteem and confidence makes me feel inferior so I must equalize the situation with an insult. How about inventing a new meaning for 'narcissist', great word and makes me look intellectual. WoW. let's all jump on that bandwagon.
Narcissism is healthy, if one feels abused it is their problem not someone else's, deal with it rather than throw insults back.
He who calls another an narcissist proves himself to be a narcissist QED
Anonymous wrote:I agree that we subconsciously choose people who are narcissists, rather than the narcs hiding their behaviour. I think healthy people will never stand for the way that narcs strive to treat others, and thus, any liaison between them will be short-lived and never really get off the ground.
Those people who do entertain narcissists will nearly always have had narc family members so the association with dysfunctional behaviour and love is already conditioned into them.
I also think that those who stick around narcissists tend to be overly empathic and can sense their insecurity and actually feel sorry for them. Narcs are aware of this, though, and will use that fact to hook someone in even further.What twaddle.......
A person with high self esteem and confidence makes me feel inferior so I must equalize the situation with an insult. How about inventing a new meaning for 'narcissist', great word and makes me look intellectual. WoW. let's all jump on that bandwagon.
Narcissism is healthy, if one feels abused it is their problem not someone else's, deal with it rather than throw insults back.
He who calls another an narcissist proves himself to be a narcissist QED
Sorry, but you're wrong. Completely wrong. Narcissists DON'T have high self-esteem or confidence in spades - quite the reverse. They have a superiority complex which they deploy to mask their manifold deep-rooted insecurities and low self esteem.
As for the word 'narcissist' - it's used to describe someone with a specific type of personality. It's not intended to be either 'insulting' or flattering - it's just a descriptor like, say, calling someone an 'introvert'.
Yes: when a person is injured, whether by a narcissist or otherwise, it is that person's responsibility to deal with the injury.
There are two ways of dealing with it, though; one unhealthy, and one healthy:
1. Unhealthy: blame oneself for the injury, even though the injury was inflicted by someone else.
2. Refuse to take responsibility for others' injurious decisions and actions by instead putting the responsibility for causing the injury where it belongs:
On the person who decided to inflict the injury.
Oh, yes, I've encountered your rationale in real life. The usual response from the person inflicting the injury is, "You're too sensitive."
"My" sensitivity is not the issue; the issue is the abuse to which adversely effect "my" "sensitivity".
Getting the victim of the abuse to blame themselves for the abuser's decisions and actions is classic irresponsibility. And how these individuals operate: every consequence of their decisions and actions is the fault of the person suffering the consequences of those decisions and actions.
That dynamic is especially prominent in child sexual abuse instances: the child feels it is the fault not of the pedophile, but rather of the child. That's exactly as the pedophile wants it. That is exactly how the irresponsible want it. That is exactly how the narcissist wants it.
If it is constant, then it is probable that diagnosis of "narcissist" is correct.
I'm sorry, I don't know when you posted your comment. Hopefully it wasn't back in 2010 ☺)
I, too, tend to attract these people, especially men, who have all the ccharacteristics of narcissisn. Married 2, then totally single for 15 years....until I met another barnacle I'm trying to scrape off. It's not easy; they suck you in little by little. I should've seen it much sooner than I did. It doesn't help that I'm an empath to the nth degree. I'm not saying that to make me look good; it's not a blessing, but rather a curse sometimes.
Sherry
I , like Mellor, grew up with (or rather under) a narcissist and due to several exacerbating factors I came to believe that what was happen was normal and that I was the one with the problem.
jack wrote:I , like Mellor, grew up with (or rather under) a narcissist and due to several exacerbating factors I came to believe that what was happen was normal and that I was the one with the problem.
This is what happened to me. Were you able to overcome it? If so, how? It is a constant struggle for me.
Another piece of abused English :(
Nothing to do with abuse at all. Read the story of Narcissus.
People loving themselves and if you can't love yourself you stand no chance of being able to love anyone else. Moreover it strengthens you mentally to allow us to cope with life. For example:-
The "Greatest Love of All". The song was recorded by the American recording artist for her debut album, self-titled Whitney Houston, which was released in February 1985, by Arista Records.
Linda Creed wrote the lyrics in the midst of her struggle with breast cancer. The words describe her feelings about coping with great challenges that one must face in life, being strong during those challenges whether you succeed or fail, and passing that strength on to children to carry with them into their adult lives. Creed eventually succumbed to the disease in April 1986 at the age of 37;
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