Self-Help
Driving in Circles and Yearning to Be
There are practical ways to honor what you yearn for and be more fully present.
Posted November 3, 2025 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- ACT identifies six yearnings that shape belonging, meaning, growth, and presence.
- Pausing assumptions—asking “Are you sure?”—reopens empathy and connection.
- A daily “What do I yearn for now?” check aligns choices with values.
Last week I was in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina at the Art of Living Retreat Center, training therapists in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). They came from over 30 different states—Wisconsin, Ohio, Illinois, Minnesota, Florida, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Oregon, Washington—I’d sit down at dinner, and join a conversation in which a therapist was sharing how she used her therapy training on the mules she raises back in Oklahoma.
“Mules don’t forget,” she said. “So you need to be very careful with how you approach them.”
At another table, a therapist who works with incarcerated clients told me about her three cats, and how she uses what she knows about trauma when the older ones gang up on the little one.
Regardless of where you come from, or what you face on a daily basis, most of us have a genuine concern for others and a longing to be cared for. In my book Wise Effort, I write about the six core human yearnings identified by ACT founder Steven Hayes:
1. Connect with others. We yearn for belonging and understanding; for meaningful relationships, intimacy, and inclusion; to be part of the group. However, our ability to meet this yearning is often thwarted by another thing we humans have: a mind that layers on thoughts, categories, and stories that disconnect us. Which is linked to our second yearning.
2. Make sense of things. We yearn to understand ourselves and our context—to have our thoughts align with our experience.
On the first day of the training, I asked five therapists to line up at the front of the room and then asked the audience, Just by looking at these five people and knowing nothing about them:
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Who would you want to watch your dog?
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Who would you want to be your therapist?
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Who are you afraid might not like you?
You can do this while walking about. Notice how quickly your mind makes assumptions.
Then I went down the line of therapists we made assumptions about and asked them a few questions about themselves to share out loud:
- When was the last time you cried?
- Tell me about your first best friend.
- What do you do when you need a break?
Our assumptions shifted. That therapist who works in the jail? Getting to know her, she’s the one I’d want to watch my dog.
3. Feel deeply. We yearn for emotional depth and the freedom to express the full range of human emotions.
While we were at the retreat center, a group of big guys rolled in with T-shirts that barely stretched across their broad backs reading, STATE TROOPER. They were on another retreat to learn the SKY method of breathing. I remembered my interview with psychologist Emma Seppälä of Stanford, who has been researching this method for stress. Waiting in line to fill my tea mug, I started a conversation with one of these big guys. He told me that when he was younger, in his twenties, nothing bothered him. He could tend to a car on the side of the road and sleep at night. But now he’s had kids, and seen more—and he’s struggling.
“Last week I pulled a woman out of her car, she was dying. I can’t seem to shake the memory. I guess that’s why we’re here—to learn how to hold it all,” he said.
Later that day, inspired by the trooper, I had therapists pull out a piece of paper and finish this line from the poem by Mary Oliver:
“Somebody once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that…”
Try it for yourself. What is your box full of darkness teaching you?
Which brings us to the next three yearnings. Humans yearn to:
4. Have purpose. We yearn to feel like our life matters and to have a sense of chosen purpose and values.
5. Develop competence. We yearn for growth—to learn new skills, achieve goals, and build mastery.
6. Be oriented. We yearn to ground ourselves in the here and now, to be present in our lives.
On the last day, I hopped in a van that circled the grounds, shuttling people from their rooms to the meditation and dining halls. Underdressed for the fall weather, I was grateful for the ride and thanked the driver. He smiled at me and said, “Are you kidding? Thank you. I have the best job in the world! I drive in circles, talking to good people.”
I looked out the window at the fall leaves and the blue mountains, then back at my driver with his thick North Carolina accent, and I got exactly what he meant. He was just like me.
“We have a lot in common,” I said. “I drive in the circles of people’s lives. And I have the best job in the world too.”
Wise Effort Practice for the Week
Catch an assumption. As you move through your day, notice the instant story your mind tells about someone. Ask yourself, Are you sure? Then, remember that they are more like you than your mind thinks.
Meet Your Yearning. Ask yourself, What do I yearn for right now? To connect? Make sense of things? Feel? Have purpose? Grow? Be oriented? How can I meet this yearning?
May you keep circling life with good people and wise effort.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
