One Simple Question That Will Improve Your Relationship

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“Stop trying to fix everything and just listen to me!” In over 40 years of working with couples in psychotherapy, I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard some version of this complaint from a couple. In heterosexual relationships, the person voicing this complaint is often a woman because women are socialized from an early age to be attentive to the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. Men’s childhood experiences are more likely to emphasize competition and achievement, and they are socialized to feel responsible for their partner’s satisfaction in life. As a result, these men often perceive women as “too needy” or “impossible to please.” Trying to fix whatever issue their partner brings up is not only their way of attempting to meet their responsibility as a man, but also an effective way of lowering the emotional temperature in the relationship to soothe their own distress. They are often puzzled and frustrated because in their mind, they are listening, and the man can prove it by repeating exactly what she just said. For the purposes of this post, I’ll refer to the person starting the conversation as the “initiator” and the other person as the “responder.”

Many therapists mistakenly recommend that men put aside their instinct to “fix” their partner’s distress and learn how to be better listeners. The problem with this advice is that while listening is undoubtedly essential in intimate relationships, there are times when we don’t just want our partner to listen but to help us solve a problem.

A surprisingly simple technique is to interrupt at the very start and ask this simple question: “How can I be most helpful? Is this something you want my help fixing, or is this one of those times you would just like me to listen?” This may feel awkward for a while, but you will be surprised at how many times it will prevent arguments.

The problem for responders is that their best guess about whether their partner wants them to help solve a problem or just wants them to listen is that their best guess is often wrong. I’m a psychotherapist, which means I’ve spent decades learning how to listen to people and understand what they need, and I get it wrong at least half the time. For responders, asking this question is a win-win. If your partner says she wants you to listen, you can relax. You don’t have to try to figure out how to help her be less upset; you can just relax and listen (more on that later). On the other hand, if they do want your help with something, again, you can relax. You got this. You’ve spent a lifetime learning how to solve problems, so this is playing right into your strong suit.

Most people initiating this kind of conversation with a loved one have not thought through what kind of response would be most helpful. They know they are bothered by something, and their instinct is to talk about it with someone they trust. Having the responder ask them at the beginning what kind of response would be most helpful can help the initiator think through what kind of help they seek. The odds of any couple having a mutually satisfying interaction go up significantly if the initiator takes the time to figure out what would be most helpful, and the responder takes the time to ask.

On the surface, listening seems simple—something everyone knows how to do and does every day without thinking. At the same time, we are aware of subtleties in listening because we think of some people as “good listeners” or “easy to talk to.” Feeling truly heard happens only when we also work to listen between the lines, which involves hearing the emotions underlying the content. Imagine how frustrating it would be to talk with someone who parroted back everything you said. Research suggests that only about 20 percent of what we understand from others comes from what they say, so when we just listen to the content, we are missing about 80 percent of what someone is trying to tell us. For example, imagine your partner talking to you about a new job she’s applying for. She is talking about feeling insecure about whether she can get the job, and being too scared to let herself get excited and risk disappointment. You hear the content of what your partner is saying, but also notice a sense of excitement about her; her eyes are wide open, she speaks rapidly, leaning forward, and despite how hard she tries to convince herself otherwise, she does sound excited. You might say to your partner, “You know it’s funny, you are talking about being scared and unsure of yourself, but I keep getting the sense that you are excited too.” You’ll probably find your partner will feel truly heard in a much deeper way that encourages her to explore the feelings of excitement that she has been reluctant to let herself feel. It is also likely that listening in this way will help the two of you feel much closer to each other.

Excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. Lasting Impact Press.