The Loneliness of Being Right

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I was raised in an emotionally violent family. We argued often, with little to no restraint. As a child, it seemed that arguments continued until one person finally “broke down” and cried, effectively losing the argument and making the other person the winner.

Not surprisingly, conflict early in my marriage was ineffective and painful. When arguing with my wife, I kept pushing my point of view with little regard for how my aggression was affecting her or our relationship. Given my family history, I only knew how to push harder, waiting for her to admit she was wrong and defeated. To her credit, my wife regularly stood up to me, so our arguments were mean and went on forever. Neither of us knew how to resolve conflict without winning.

There is an old saying that you should “be careful what you ask for.” One awful day, after years of frustratingly painful conflict, I finally won an argument. I finally strung together a series of irrefutable arguments, and my wife capitulated. She was devastated, and it was clear to me I had hurt her badly. I thought, “This is what winning an argument feels like? This is what I’ve been so desperately working towards all of these years?” It felt awful, and I knew something had to change.

Sadly, this approach to conflict is quite common in couples, and unfortunately, many couples are not aware that there are also healthy ways to argue that can strengthen relationships.

In intimate relationships, anger is simply an indication that the other person doesn’t like the way things are going in the relationship and would like things to be better. Conflict often goes awry when couples argue about the “facts” as if they were a couple of attorneys trying to win a case. Not surprisingly, none of this flood of information changes either’s perspective one little bit.

Conflict goes much better when each person listens as much or preferably a bit more than he or she talks, and the couple talks about their feelings like two partners trying to reach a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other.

Here are some guidelines that may help you shift from conflict that is relationship-destructive to conflict that helps build connection and closeness in your intimate relationships.

1. Be Intentional About Your Arguments

Arguments should be a way of working things out so that you can get closer. Think about how you want to feel closer to your partner and keep that in the front of your mind during the argument.

Pick a time and place where you can both be at your best. Interpersonal conflict is tricky stuff; there is no need to make it harder by arguing when you are both tired or will be interrupted. Pick a time and a place to talk where you can concentrate on each other and won’t be interrupted. I always forget that I have to say this to people, but turn off your screens.

2. Avoid Harsh Startups

Noted couple’s researcher John Gottman found that when arguments don’t start well, they are likely to go badly. If the argument gets off to a harsh start and looks like it’s going south quickly, don’t be afraid to put it on pause and come back to it another time.

Talk about yourself and what you are feeling rather than making attributions about your partner. Everyone is defensive about someone trying to criticize or correct them; it’s just not going to go well. If you don’t like the way your partner is behaving, talk about how that behavior affects you rather than telling her why her behavior is wrong.

3. Speak Responsibly

Think about the effect of your words before you speak them. Take responsibility even if the effect of your words was different from what you intended. In Jewish ethics, harmful speech is a greater sin than theft because if you steal from someone, you can make reparations, but you cannot undo the harm caused by speech.

Conflict can also be abusive, which calls for an entirely different set of responses. Abuse is not about trying to get closer to another person; abuse is speaking without regard for the effect of your words on another person or, in the extreme, even intentionally trying to hurt another person. The appropriate response to abuse is to set firm limits and, if that doesn’t work, to leave.

Using some of these tips will not only help you not dread arguing with your partner but also help you to feel more confident that facing conflict head-on will help the two of you feel closer.