This Will Be a Short Post Because I’m Depressed

My brother must have heard the flat tone in my voice this past week because he invited me up to his house for a pancake brunch yesterday morning (Sunday). It was nice to see him and my sister-in-law and he’s a better cook than I am. By far.

I had a Zoom session with my psychiatrist, Dr. Lev, on Monday and admitted to her I was struggling. I told her I bought a light therapy box, and in the same breath, I said I guess it didn’t work because I don’t have seasonal affective disorder. She didn’t want to raise the dosage of any of my current antidepressants, so she started me on a micro-dose of a thyroid medication as an adjunct to the antidepressant. First I’ve heard of this, but I trust her implicitly. I have to take it on an empty stomach, so I usually take it at about 2 or 3 a.m., when I first get up, so I can have my coffee. I’ve been struggling with insomnia for close to two years. I don’t even try to go back to sleep anymore.

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Every month I meet with other women from the entrepreneur program I was a part of in 2018, before I had my stroke. Right now, we’re meeting over Zoom. We support each other in our respective businesses, give each other feedback and generally have a good time. I look forward to getting together with these women who have become my friends. I knew I was in trouble this past Saturday when I couldn’t wait for the meeting to end so I could burrow back under the covers.

To add to the tough time I was going through, I received a warning from my manager at work regarding my performance. I’m not meeting my numbers, but I know for a fact that neither are my co-workers. I haven’t met my numbers since I started working full-time since coming back from my stroke so I don’t really know why he is choosing this month in particular to issue this warning. Part of the reason, he cites, is the time I take off to attend my medical appointments. I want to ask him how I’m supposed to choose between my health – which admittedly the second half of this year has been a struggle – and my job? I don’t even want to know his answer.

The thing is, typically when I start to feel depressed, I feel fear because I know how quickly things can go downhill. I believe that’s why Dr. Lev prescribed the medication. Right now, I just feel depressed and flat. That is frightening.