What to Say to a Patient Who Says "Are All Men Dogs"

“I froze up when my husband touched me; my brain does that simply because he is a man, and it tells me that men are unsafe,” my patient explained.

While they lay there, my patient’s husband asked this question: “Honey do you like dogs?”

She replied that she does.

He then said, “But do you like all dogs and, if not, how do you tell which ones are safe?”

She then reflected on how you can judge this by how a given dog responds and behaves.

What a simple, brilliant reframe of the core issue—the need to discern who is safe and who is not.

My patient had endured childhood sexual trauma, and like many survivors of childhood trauma, she had developed an instinctive freeze response during intimate moments with her loving husband. She had been taught that she was just a tool for the pleasure of others, and the healthy part of her rejected this, defending her from future vulnerability.

Their conversation got me thinking about a phrase I often hear from my female patients—that “all men are dogs.” My patient population includes a selected sample of women who have had a string of traumatic experiences with men, usually starting with a disappointing or abusive father figure and then endured in a string of unhealthy romantic relationships over the years.

Rather than dismissing the comment out of hand, what if we gave it a little thought? Specifically, what does the phrase mean, and what do our patients intend when they say it? Upon reflection, the common link is that what defines a “dog” in this context is something without a conscience who is solely focused on its own needs and self-gratification.

Are some people this way? Yes.

For example, let’s look at some core relational qualities that define narcissistic and/or sociopathic personality disorders:

• A sense of entitlement: Believing that they deserve special favors, automatic compliance, and preferential treatment.
• Exploitative behavior: Taking advantage of others to fulfill their own desires.
• Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding and sharing the feelings of others, perceiving them as weak or unimportant.
• Disregard for the rights of others: The tendency to view people as objects who do not have the same rights as they do.
• Lack of remorse, guilt, or shame: The absence of a conscience that directs a sense of morality.
• Manipulation: The active and expressed use of strategies to control and coerce others.

Even within the dog world, there are some dogs that are more like “dogs”. The work that my friend Mary Cortani does through Operation Freedom Paws to select dogs that can be trained for therapy or service bears this out. Not all dogs are a good fit. Some dogs are not interested in serving people. Some dogs will bite and lash out and attempt to dominate their handlers. Selecting the right dog to be a therapy or service dog requires discernment.

Just as some dogs are more selfish, more controlling, and more potentially unsafe than others, some people are, too.

And if you take the concept that “men are dogs” to its extreme, then you will find that there are people who use others for their own gratification without a conscience.

If all you know is relationships with men who are sociopathic or narcissistic, then you would logically come to believe that “all men are dogs.”

As someone who is married to a good man, has a kind and unselfish son, and deep friendships with scores of wonderful men, I’d be the last person to agree that “all men are dogs”. In my life, there are many men who exemplify the opposite of the statement, people who love others in a radically self-sacrificial way.

Further, this overly broad characterization does not apply to only one gender. There are many females who are pathologically selfish and totally unsafe.

So what does one look for in people who are the opposite of being "like dogs?”

You would look for the people who show restraint. You would look for people who respect your rights as much as their own. You look for the patient ones. You assess for kindness and self-control, as well as the ability to make sacrifices for the good of others.

Of course, in today’s society, dogs are elevated and revered by many as family members. So the phrase “all men are dogs” may not resonate with people who count their dogs as members of their family. Some people even want others to be more like their dogs—to “wag more, bark less.”

But the negative stereotype of men is common across my patients; it expresses a view that an entire group of people is selfish and ultimately untrustworthy. This isn’t true, but you can live your whole life and see only that story. Or you can gain the insights to connect with the kind of people—of both genders—who are worthy of trust.