Why Do People Lie, Cheat, and Steal?

Years ago, I provided grief counseling to a woman I’ll call Cassie. Her husband of 10 years had passed away from a sudden heart attack, and she felt devastated. Left with two young children to raise alone, she thought this was the worst that could happen. One day, she called frantically requesting an emergency therapy session. Cassie had just received the most shocking news of her life. Her husband (I’ll call him Bob) was not legally married to her. In fact, he was married to two other women in two different states.

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Bob’s first wife lived in Utah, and they had two children. He never divorced her. His second wife lived in Texas, again never divorced, and Cassie, his third wife, lived in California. As a traveling salesman, Bob maintained three marriages in three separate states for over a decade. Of course, the stress of keeping the tangled spiderweb of lies probably led to his early death. It left Cassie’s life in ruins.

Why Do People Lie?

As Cassie investigated her husband’s history, she discovered even more lies and manipulations that had kept her in the dark for a decade. When she was home with young children in diapers, he left for two weeks to care for his “aging grandmother” in another country. Cassie later learned that Bob took wife number one on a European trip to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Nearly everything she thought she knew about her husband was a lie. “My life is a bad movie,” Cassie cried. “Why do people lie like that? How could he do that so well for so long?”

Dr. Delroy L. Paulhus and Dr. Kevin M. Williams developed a personality theory of three distinct but overlapping traits that explain certain negative behaviors. They called it the Dark Triad: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy (Paulhus & Williams, 2002). Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment and have fantasies of arrogant greatness. Machiavellians employ cunning, deception, and manipulation to achieve their goals. Psychopaths impulsively take what they want without remorse or empathy.

As Cassie began to unlock the mystery of her husband’s character, she discovered that he had a long-standing deception pattern dating back to his childhood. She uncovered a staggering number of people he had deceived. He lied on his résumé. He lied about his family, claiming his parents were dead. His parents had no idea he was a bigamist. They had a relationship with his first and only legal wife. Cassie could not find an authentic relationship in her husband’s history. No one really knew him.

Inside the Brain of a Machiavellian

Research indicates that Machiavellians' brains function differently. These individuals exhibit increased activation of brain regions associated with emotion generation, including the amygdala and insula. They also possess enhanced emotional memory and heightened awareness of shifting situations, which allows them to adjust their behavior quickly (Deak, A. et al., 2017). Their brains appear wired to adapt like chameleons to different environments.

How Could He Do That?

Cassie had trouble understanding how the man she loved, the father of her children, could do something so harmful to his family. “He always brought home thoughtful gifts from his trips. He remembered all our important anniversaries and birthdays. He seemed to care so much. How could he do that?” Cassie asked.

Machiavellians comprise about 4 to 5 percent of the global population (Jaffé et al., 2019). They lack empathy for others and harbor a cynical perspective on human nature. They look for ways to manipulate and exploit because they view others as doing the same. Many have alexithymia, which translates to “no words for emotions.” They struggle to recognize and name their own emotions and those of others. It’s challenging for them to distinguish between bodily sensations and feelings. They are also more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, with difficulty experiencing pleasure and joy (Goerlich, 2018).

Cassie described Bob as often sad and stressed. She said he blamed it on his job, being away from his family, and living so much of his life on the road. Now, with renewed understanding, she saw Bob as someone who never felt safe, connected, or loved. Much of his life was a deceitful chess game. He may have gotten some pleasure from successfully playing a devious game, but the stress of it likely shortened his life.

Dark Triad Essential Reads

The 3 Types of Darkness in Dark Personalities

Could Something Be Worse Than the Dark Triad? Yes

While most of us lie daily—“I’m fine,” “you look great,” “I’ll be right over”—it doesn’t make us feel good. Lying lowers self-esteem and harms our health. A study at the University of Notre Dame found that participants' health improved when they stopped telling both major and minor lies (Kelly, A. et al., 2012). Despite prevailing cynicism, honesty appears to be the best policy for a happy and healthy life.

How to Recover From Deceitful Betrayal

After Cassie completed her exhaustive research into her husband’s lies, she had to determine what to tell her children. Both were under the age of 8 when Bob died. What should she tell them about their father? Her private hell could not stay private. She had to tell her family and friends and endure the public humiliation and legal nightmare of being married to a bigamist. How could she protect her children?

One of the best ways to help our children recover from a terrible experience is to tell them the truth and provide them with the coping skills to manage reality. Her children loved the dad they knew. She and her children had a healthy capacity for love and attachment, which helps us cope with loss. Bob’s Machiavellian scheming and lies had inflicted serious harm. Yet Cassie and her children could rebuild their lives on a sturdier foundation of truth and love.

I explained to Cassie how family secrets create anxiety (Meiting, L. et al., 2020). Children sense something is off. Things don’t quite make sense. Dishonesty creates an undercurrent of confusion, distrust, and fear. For that reason, I advised Cassie to explain, in an age-appropriate manner, that their daddy had lied to them and had another family. Bob’s lies didn’t need to be carried on to the next generation. It would harm Cassie’s health if she could not be honest with her children.

Cassie’s parents and friends provided a circle of trust and safety around her and her children. These loving attachments held them through their grief and helped them recover. Telling her children a simplified version of the truth gave them a gift. She treated them with respect and showed them they could handle the truth. The whole family could now speak freely and support each other. They learned how lies can ruin relationships, even beyond the grave. They also learned how honesty can point the way to a happier, healthier future.