The Curse of Hyper-Independence

Source: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

One of the hallmarks of modern society, especially in Western cultures, is self-reliance. We value independence. On the whole, people don’t want to burden one another. We don’t like to be pitied.

People often associate asking for help with weakness or a loss of agency and control. It requires a lot of vulnerability to admit when we’re struggling and need a hand.

Yet, no one makes it all the way through their life without having needs. At one time or another, hardship finds all of us. Whether it’s an illness or injury, financial stress, career troubles, emotional pain, or loneliness, we all struggle. It’s what makes us human.

I’ve spent many hours in therapy considering the question, “Why is it so hard to accept help?” It took a lot of self-awareness, vulnerability, and emotional intelligence to get to the other side of that question. Having grown up as a parentified child, I had to learn how to not only identify my own needs but also get those needs met outside my family of origin. Through that process, I realized that asking for and accepting help is a sign of strength and empowerment.

Reframing the need for help and embracing support takes some practice. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:

The curse of hyper-independence

Like many trauma survivors, I learned at a young age that asking for help was risky. At best, my requests would be ignored. At worst, I was punished for having needs. Asking for support came with a cost—physically, emotionally, and mentally.

So I not only learned not to ask, but I learned to mute my needs entirely. Taking care of myself and my siblings, persevering through adversity, and not relying on others became my superpower growing up. It allowed me to survive and even thrive in an unsafe childhood home.

But as an adult, I realized that never asking for help came with its own cost: deep, meaningful relationships. That fierce independence I was so proud of started to get in the way of connection.

Accepting help is not a sign of failure

If you grew up caretaking others, accepting support for yourself can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and even unsafe. However, handling everything on your own can lead to burnout, both physically and emotionally. Humans are meant to exist in community, sharing skills and social support.

I learned to start small, leaning on my closest, safest friends for care and advice. The result? I felt more connected to them, and they to me.

Help is not transactional

I grew up with a parent who liked to keep score of people’s rights and wrongs. In our household, good deeds came with strings attached, and favors were transactional. The result was that whenever someone did something nice for me, I felt guilt and a sense of urgency that I had to somehow repay them or earn their care.

As an adult, I realized that in healthy relationships, help is not transactional. Genuine care and nurturing are not weighed and measured. Our existence as humans makes us worthy of other people’s care. For me, it’s a joy and an honor when I get to help someone I love. I’ve come to realize that my inner circle feels the same way.

There are no prizes for suffering alone

Practicing gratitude and starting with small requests can help us to reframe our attitude toward seeking support. Have the same compassion for yourself as you would for a dear friend. And remember: Our success as individuals and as communities relies on mutuality and reciprocity, a sharing of skills and strengths. Together, we’re stronger than we are alone.