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Valentines 365

Energy, Focus and Forgiveness for Sustaining Love

Huna, the ancient Hawaiian discipline of energy, consciousness and healing, teaches principles that people can use to keep their relationships healthy and thriving.

In Huna, we believe everything at its deepest root is energy (Mana). In the first level of Huna we teach that the ability to build up, maintain and flow energy is based on integrity and purity of thought.

For couples seeking to sustain their love, this means making an ongoing commitment to nurturing their relationship while maintaining the unique identities that drew them together in the first place.

Real passion, caring and good bedroom juju come with being in tune with what your partner wants, not just focusing on what you want. This means paying attention to what romance means to your partner.

It's not enough to try to ignite passion with a box of chocolates or a handful of flowers periodically on Valentine's Day or an anniversary. Sustaining a loving relationship is about creating special moments every day so you stay connected. Here are some tips on how to do this:

Show appreciation - In western thinking we tend to have a critical focus. We forget the positive and focus on negative. Instead, switch it. Instead of schooling your mate, focus on showing appreciation. Tell your loved one how much you appreciate all the things he or she does for you. Make a list and remind your mate often how much this means to you.

Don't forget little things because you have little ones - Couples who have kids often get caught up in the school days routine. These routines are so centered on the child we forget to do things for each other. But remembering to do small things for each other solidifies the relationship. Every morning I get my wife's coffee set up for her so all she has to do is press a button. Find out the things that bring your mate joy and make these daily signs of your love.

Make time for each other every day - Whether or not you have kids, it is important to make take time to connect with each other every day. At a dinner share your favorite moment that you had together in the relationship. Share thanks for little things you do for each other that make the day go easier. This reinforces your love and keeps it deepening with time.

Complete the circuit of forgiveness - It's very common that, even after an apology, two people will be dragged back into something from the past. In Western thinking, when you say "I'm sorry", it's often a one-sided conversation. As you're apologizing the other person is having their own internal dialogue, with thoughts like: "Yeah, right, she'll do the same thing again next week" or "Sorry? You're going to be sorry." Very few people follow up with a statement such as "apology accepted." The Hawaiian process of forgiveness is called Ho'oponopono which means to make something doubly right - right with others and yourself. Try saying "I forgive you, please forgive me." This automatically requires participation from the other person and completes an energetic connection.

So remember, carve out time for romance every day, not just on special occasions. Focus on what brings your partner joy, and remember to do the little things for each other. Show your appreciation daily and, when you disagree, practice completing the circle of forgiveness. Put these ideas into practice and see what a difference it can make.


Matthew B. James, MA, Ph.D., is President of Kona University and its training and seminar division The Empowerment Partnership, where he serves as a master trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), a practical behavioral technology for helping people achieve their desired results in life. His new book, The Foundation of Huna: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times, details forgiveness and meditation techniques used in Hawaii for hundreds of years. He carries on the lineage of one of the last practicing kahuna of mental health and wellbeing. To reach Dr. James, please e-mail him at

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