The Transformative Power of Self-Compassion

You may think you know everything you need to know about self-compassion, but after reading this post, you may decide to rethink your understanding. For example, you might be surprised to learn that over 4,000 journal articles have been published on self-compassion in the last 20 years. This groundbreaking work has been spearheaded by pioneering psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D. (2023).

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What is self-compassion?

Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as “being supportive to oneself when experiencing suffering or pain... be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges” (2023, p.1).

We all suffer in our lives. Suffering is part of the human condition. And self-compassion begins with kindness for ourselves, honoring our own humanity, imperfections, and showing genuine concern for our own distress. A growing body of research links self-compassion with interpersonal well-being and connections with others. For example, self-compassion has been linked to increased willingness to help others, improved perspective-taking, empathy, and social connection (Lathren et al., 2020; Neff, 2022).

What self-compassion is not

If you think self-compassion is weak, self-indulgent, or lacks interest in others, an abundance of evidence says these myths are simply untrue. Self-compassion is about caring for ourselves with kindness, but not simply about ourselves. Research shows that people who are compassionate towards themselves tend to be more supportive, kind, and giving toward others (Shapiro, 2022).

For many of us, self-compassion can feel awkward, difficult, and elusive. Perhaps we know self-compassion can be important, but maybe we somehow don’t feel qualified to support ourselves in this way. Yet self-kindness can help us live more fully and mindfully with greater peace of mind and compassion toward others.

There are six key components to self-compassion that either add to it or take away from it (Neff, 2023):

Increasing: (1) self-kindness, (2) common humanity (as humans, we make mistakes, feel unease, and suffer with life challenges), and (3) mindfulness (empowers us with more balanced awareness and can help us be more present to our moment-by-moment experiences).

Reducing: (1) self-judgement, (2) isolation (feeling that we are the only ones who make mistakes or are less than perfect), and (3) over-identification with our difficulties (thinking that our mistakes define who we are and our self-worth).

Importantly, self-compassion goes beyond simply not criticizing ourselves. It involves true caring and concern for ourselves and our experience of distress. Thus, we might practice sharing kind words with ourselves as we would with a family member or dear friend. For example: “Yes, this is difficult. How can I be kinder to myself in this moment?” Or gently clasping our hands along with saying kind words, such as, “Dear one, yes, this is hard. May I be kind to myself.”

According to mindfulness and compassion researcher Shauna Shapiro, Ph.D. (2017), “What you practice grows stronger.” With practice, gently building the muscle of mindful self-compassion can help to rewire your brain toward self-kindness as a habitual life skill (Shapiro, 2022; 2017).

Thus, as we learn and practice holding ourselves more gently and with kindness, those brain pathways will strengthen, building habits of greater self-kindness and self-compassion. According to Dr. Shapiro, all of us can create transformative change, and kindness is the key (2017). To that end, Shapiro reminds us that mindfulness is not simply about attention; rather, mindfulness is about “kind attention.”

If you’d like to learn more about strengthening your self-compassion, there are many resources available. Some of those resources are listed in the reference section of this article.

It’s no secret that we all experience suffering, vulnerability, unease, and difficult times in our lives. It’s never too late to take better care of yourself, to build your self-compassion habits, and to practice greater kindness. Strategies to build self-compassion can be studied and learned.

What are your next steps to cultivate compassion for yourself and others?

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.

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