When Siblings Need to Care for Elderly Parents

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As the American population ages, more adult children are stepping up to care—both financially and physically—for their aging parents. If you’re an only child, the burden on you is clear; if you have siblings, the responsibility can be shared, but it’s not without its challenges. Here are some of the most common ones:

You disagree on tasks and priorities.

Dad really needs to be in a nursing facility, or shouldn’t be driving, or no, he just needs someone to come in for a few hours a day, or no, he can get around town all right. Mom needs to be assessed for possible surgery, or needs help preparing meals, or no, her health issue is not a problem until it’s a problem, or she seems to manage her meals well enough.

Each of you is looking at the same reality through different lenses. Where one sees a crisis in the making, another may see a minor problem that requires only periodic monitoring.

The responsibility and workload are uneven.

One sibling takes on most of the heavy lifting, whether because they live nearby, have the necessary skills, or simply because their personality includes a strong sense of over-responsibility. However, even for the latter, there is a risk that this imbalance will, at best, lead to burnout or, more likely, cause occasional outbursts of resentment, which can create guilt or defensiveness in the others, but often results in no real change.

Old sibling rivalries and emotional wounds resurface.

The feeling that your sister was always the golden child, your brother was the slacker, or old wounds around unfairness, jealousy, and favorites all come rushing back now. You’re transported back to being a ten-year-old, digging up past resentments, coloring what you see and need.

But you’re not 10 years old. Here’s how to navigate these developmental challenges:

Seek advice from medical professionals.

Instead of stressing over what mom or dad might need, leave the problems to the professionals—the doctors and geriatric specialists. Not only do they have the expertise to assess what is necessary, but, as outsiders, they aren’t viewing the situation through emotional eyes.

And if you do, don’t hesitate to get a second opinion or go with your parent to the doctor’s appointment to ask the hard questions and leave with clear information.

Divide tasks and delegate responsibility.

Your brother, who lives three states away, can’t provide physical help, but he might be able to gather information from doctors, set appointments, or help with finances. Alternatively, your sister can drive your mom to her appointments since she’s available during the day when you’re at work.

By being clear about who is doing what, you not only avoid tripping over each other, but also avoid confusing your parents.

Build in respite.

The heavy-lifters need a break. Here, your faraway brother also comes and stays with your parents for a week while you go off on vacation. Your sister not only helps with the appointments but also offers to swap with you and have your mom stay with her for a month so you can have your house to yourself.

Consider family therapy.

If these suggestions aren’t working and childhood wounds are blocking your progress, consider meeting with a therapist. Often, just one or two sessions can remove the barriers, and teletherapy makes it easy to include your brother who lives three states away.

Just like divorced couples with children face the challenge of now doing what they couldn’t do when married—namely, communicating and working together as a team—so too are you as siblings. You need to set aside those old wounds or resolve past resentments so you can support your parents effectively.

What do you need to make this work?