First Aid for Emotional Outbursts: How to Hit the Brakes

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They can happen suddenly, catching you off guard—that flash of anger or jealousy, an overwhelming wave of anxiety, or even a panic attack. Or, a surge of sadness, regret, or grief, or a feeling of being trapped or doomed, going from zero to 60. Your emotions control; your rational mind shuts down. You feel out of balance, consumed by tunnel vision.

Time for first aid: Steady the ship that is you. Here’s a four-step plan of action:

1. Realize your emotions have taken over.

Once your amygdala—the emotional center of your brain—fires up, your prefrontal cortex, your rational brain, goes offline. You then experience tunnel vision; your brain drifts down a rabbit hole of past facts and memories that fuel your current emotional state. Other incidents, remarks that hurt your feelings or make you angry loom large. Your anxiety brings up worst-case scenarios. Sadness, regret, or grief trigger more memories of the same. All these thoughts, feelings, and memories reinforce your current mindset.

The first step is recognizing what is happening inside you—that your rational brain is offline and the runaway horse of your mind has taken control. Letting your thoughts and feelings keep racing only fuels the emotional fire. With practice, catching it becomes easier.

2. Label what’s going on.

As soon as you realize you're heading down that road, it's time to pull on the reins of the horse. The easiest way to do this is by naming your feelings and what’s happening: I’m upset; my emotional brain has taken over; I’m falling into that old rabbit hole again.

3. Calm yourself.

Easier said than done, of course, but it’s about having first-aid skills at the ready: deep breathing, meditation, doing something mindfully—paying attention to how you slice the onion when cooking—or simply distraction such as watching a favorite TV show or listening to a favorite song. These techniques work because they pull you out of that rabbit hole of the future by bringing you back to the present.

I often recommend that clients create a list of calming techniques and place it on their refrigerator so they don’t panic when they’re already upset.

4. Once calm, circle back.

Okay, the wave has passed; your rational brain is back online. Time to circle back: What did you learn about what triggers you—maybe your partner’s critical tone or being caught off-guard by a sudden change in your work schedule?

Next, is there a real problem you need to address? Maybe you were sensitive to your partner’s voice or the schedule change because you were already in a bad mood—a perfect storm. Or, maybe not; perhaps it’s part of an ongoing pattern.

Time to solve the problem: Can you talk to your partner about their tone when they’re upset or discuss your work schedule with your supervisor? Most important, what’s the lesson from what just happened?

The key to handling emotional outbursts is addressing both sides of the coin—emotional regulation and problem-solving. Stop letting your outbursts take control of you.